♱Recommended song: 2AM By SZA♱
New York was just how I had left it.
The streets were as busy as ever.
And everyone lining them seemed to be off to their next destination.
The excited buzz that I used to adore, didn't feel the same.
Instead, it felt... annoying.
Annoying that people were excited and happy when I couldn't bring myself to be.
All I could think about was our conversation.
Noa and I's conversation—the one we had before I left.
It played on a loop in my head, and I even found myself wishing that I had said something different.
I laughed slightly to myself, as if anything different would've changed her mind.
I mean, clearly, it wouldn't have.
She had her mind made up the moment she began the conversation.
I honestly don't even know why I tried.
Seriously, why did I put myself out there?
In the moment it felt like I was fighting for her.
But what if she wasn't there to be fought for to begin with?
What we had was clearly gone the moment she made her final decision.
And what made it hurt worse was that I didn't get a say in it.
That she could just snap her fingers and send me away—and there I'd go.
It made me feel powerless.
It made me yearn for the control I used to have.
I mean, I used to be the one sending people away.
An empty sigh escaped my lips as I entered the familiar apartment building, forcing a smile to the concierge who held the door open for me.
I glanced around the shiny lobby, imagining what life would've looked like for me and Noa here.
How our visits would've gone...
Would she stay for long periods at a time? Or maybe she'd fly in every other week.
I could see us walking the streets of New York, looking for our next adventure as we walked hand in hand.
Or maybe even making dinner in my kitchen—me hovering over the stove while Noa set the table.
Our nights would be filled with the most beautiful lovemaking before we'd grab some of the leftovers we had made and sat down to watch a movie.
I blinked the burning tears away, hating how well I could see our lives colliding together.
And I wanted it all—the good times and the bad times.
Like dreading going back to my apartment after she had left to head back to New Orleans.
Or the lonely nights when the only piece of her I could get would be through the phone.
Even the bad times sounded appealing right now—they sounded better than no times at all.
I clenched my jaw, hoping to push my sadness away as the elevator shot up to my level.
It just all feels like such a waste of time and energy—I seriously shouldn't have gotten my feelings involved.
Not with it all ending up like this.
My brows furrowed upon the elevator doors sliding open, noticing the suited men standing at my front door.
For a second, it made my heart shoot up in my chest, realizing Noa might be here.
But when one of them said, "We're here for your protection, Ms. Spade."
I knew they were only sent by her to keep watch over me.
It made my blood boil—hating that she still cared about me after what she just pulled.
She doesn't get to act protective and caring when she just sent me away.
When she just ended us.
I walked past the men, pressing my key fob to the door to unlock it and push it open.
And as the door shut behind me—I felt myself stop dead in my tracks.
Everything was exactly how I left it—the throw blankets folded over the couch, my portfolio spread out on my dining room table, and the smell of vanilla still lingering in the air.
It was almost as if I had never left.
Like these past few months had never happened.
And it made me want to scream—all the memories were seemingly just that.
Memories.
I tried to blink back the tears suddenly growing in my eyes, but when they only managed to get thicker—I lost it all over again.
Crumbling down to the floor as my tears burned down my cheeks.
It felt like it was going to get better there for a moment.
It felt like life really would be fine again.
But then it's like I got one giant slap to the face—realizing I didn't want it to get better.
Suddenly, I wanted to scream and cry until she finally came back—until her men finally told her how badly I was doing without her.
I froze slightly at the sudden idea that popped into my head.
Those men out there report to her...
I smiled slightly, wiping my tears as I stood up from the cold floors.
I'm not going to leave my apartment until further notice—then we'll see what she has to say.
I mean, she'll have no other choice but to come back.
And so that's what I did, I ticked away time in my large apartment—watching every sunrise and sunset, stretching out on my balcony, and even binge-watching Netflix shows and movies.
But after a week had passed, and there was still no sign of her, I began to doubt my amazing plan—knowing that her men definitely talked to her daily.
Knowing that she knew exactly what I was doing at this very moment.
Yet, she has willingly not left New Orleans to come and check on me.
I sighed, pausing the Kung-Fu Panda movie as I stood from my couch.
Maybe I should just give up.
Maybe there's no use in trying.
I instantly looked over to the door when a few knocks coated the silent air of my apartment.
And even the idea of Noa standing on the other side of that door managed to make electricity jolt through my entire body.
Maybe my plan did work.
I smiled slightly, walking toward the door before pulling it open.
But almost as soon as the door was open, my excitement crashed back down like a huge wave.
"Finally, I've been trying you nonstop for the past week," Lana said as she entered my apartment.
I closed the door, feeling my face crumble into a stoic look as I turned around to face her.
"What have you been doing? I heard you got in last Monday," Lana said, clearly not happy with my absence.
I shrugged, "Just taking time to myself."
Lana laughed, "Okay, well, let's take time for yourself at the upcoming Dolce show," she said, easily shooting a sudden realization through me.
"What's today's date?" I frantically asked her.
I swear time felt nonexistent in this apartment.
"It's the twenty-third," Lana said completely unamused.
I felt my brows raise, "Then that means—"
"The Dolce show is in four days?" Lana sarcastically cut me off as she slid her phone from her pocket, "I know, we need to get your measurements and get you prepped for the show."
I couldn't help but let out an annoyed sigh, not feeling entirely excited to jump back into the world of modeling.
I'd rather be in Noa's world instead.
"Can you go get dressed so we can head into the office?" Lana said as she typed on her phone—forcing me to walk off toward my room to get dressed in a standard black outfit.
Upon getting dressed, I made sure to weigh myself—knowing I didn't want to be caught off guard at the office.
But when the scale revealed I had lost a little over ten pounds—I felt proud of myself, knowing how hard it was for me to lose weight in the first place.
As I exited into my living room, Lana stood from the couch with a smile—easily surprising me when she pulled me into a hug.
"I'm sorry, I just realized that I forgot to greet you first," she said as I hesitantly hugged her back.
It was something that seemed to happen often for us—juggling a friendship and a professional relationship.
Lana was so work-oriented that it was always her first instinct to take the work route with me.
I smiled slightly, "It's okay Lana bear," I said as we pulled out of the hug.
Lana pursed her lips slightly, "You seem... different? Is everything okay?" she asked, clearly recognizing the broken pieces that Noa left in her wake.
I nodded, "Yeah-yeah, I'm all good. Just been hard adjusting back," I said, and it technically didn't feel like a lie.
It's definitely been a hard adjustment.
Lana smiled slightly, "Well there's an event for a new restaurant opening tonight—maybe that would help you adjust back?" she questioned, knowing how much I loved to go out.
I felt something in me automatically shoot down her invitation.
But I fought against it, knowing that I officially had to move on—it had been a week of trying to get Noa's attention and I fell short.
Again.
So now it's time to officially let it go—to fall back into my old lifestyle.
"I'd love to go," I said, smiling slightly.
Lana clapped happily, "Yay, I miss going out with you!" she said, pulling me into another brief hug.
I laughed to myself, "Oh, I know you missed me," I joked as she pulled back from me.
Lana laughed as well, "Oh totally—the ladies did too," she said, nudging me playfully, and I already knew tonight would be somewhat eventful.
At least Noa would get to hear about my numerous hookups.