When I dream at night, I usually dream of him.
But I'm changing that tonight.
I don't wanna think of him.
It's been a few nights where I've felt lonely but I'm not allowing that right now.
It's been a few nights where I've realized how much has gone sour.
And that I have no one at all anymore.
When mere months ago.
I had it all.
But, no, do not dwell, I say.
But when night comes, it always comes out to play.
And in my head a rhyme is the game.
The past are what's supposed to be at bay.
And the trick is to keep those feelings shut.
Though, a part of the game is to not keep it tucked and let it out too.
I don't let it out.
It doesn't work, it stays in, the game doesn't win.
~~~~~~
I wake up with a sigh escaping and a smile on my face.
Is it forced?
I don't know.
Don't ask me...
Smile continues.
But don't fucking ask me!!!
Ignore that.
My abruptness is normal now.
Don't take notice.
Ugh
I groan despite my attempt at positivity, closing my eyes as a yawn is forced out with the rub of my eyes.
I'm now suddenly in a dull mood.
I walk out my room, taking a corner with another rub at my eyes from the help of the side of my sleeve. Gray sweater is what I wore to sleep in tonight but now in the morning and entering the bathroom, I critice the choice of my wear.
Whatever.
It was just to sleep in.
Let's get on with the day.
Washing my face with a cold splash, at view my face in the tiny mirror but I don't stare at it for too long.
Another splash on my face, the routine continuing as it cups my hands and quickly washes over my face like a waterfall, I spit and squint my eyes with each cup formed in my fingers and released onto my face.
Bending down to reach the water and then recover by standing up, this time when I stand up, though I had accepted to do another splash, I simply stop.
Stop and catch myself in the mirror.
Saddened by the sight, I force myself to stare, keep contact and notice all my flaws on my wet face.
The way the tips of my damp hairs stick to my forehead and curl around my ears.
The way my gray eyes shine like I'm about to cry - embarrassing.
The way I see how my pores are noticeable on my cheeks despite me shining, looking smooth as if the sun was hitting my wet face.
Wet ass---!!!
I sigh.
Let it escape in despair.
Angry by my thoughts and disappointed in my look.
The way I look so sad. My pale face with no touch of sun and it looks as if my face is squished with small little zits circling my nose
Others can't notice them, but I can.
I squint at them but stay still.
What's wrong with me?
How come I see no beauty?
I bet if it wasn't me, I would see my skinny face, the way my cheeks puff out and my jawline reaches forward connecting perfectly to create the oval face I have. My eyes are shining and reflecting. My eyes compliment the gray sink and white walls around me. How though I look sad, I still manage to look hopelessly beautiful.
Pale skin with tinted checks.
Hair up in a bun.
Showing off my collarbone even with the baggy big sweater underneath.
Cozy in my gray sweater that keeps me warm.
Is it possible to look pretty when you feel ugly?
That's why I always avoid looking at myself in the mirror because then a good moment automatically turns bad.
Oh that's how I look
Wipe that smile off your face
Are the thoughts in my head, thoughts that come at the sight of me.
Maybe I should stop
Look away
No! Keep staring
And just look, appreciate all this.
Look at the way your eyebrows form above your eyes, eyes that aren't symmetrical to the other one, eyebrows that aren't even and neither are combed. Look at the way your nose slopes up slightly. Cheeks hold scars from the past.
Lips thin. Chin dimpled. Chubby cheeks. On skinny face.
Huh?
Maybe I'm not so ugly.
I think as I stare a bit longer and realize that even through the flaws, I'm not so bad. My droopy eyes grow lighter at the thought and I can stare with a different spirit than before.
Eyes flickering to my hair, my small forehead, my collarbone and puffy gray sweater I'm wearing, to the frame of this mirror. A smile spreads on my face ever so slowly.
Thin lips even thinner as a pair of white teeth show and I don't let them bite down and hide again beneath my mouth. I simply let them out with this smile.
Why not love self?
It's hard.
It's very hard.
But I'm gonna continue staring.
My smile hides in embarrassment before exhaling and becoming a small chuckle.
It's okay.
I'm on the right path.
A soft smile on my lips now, I can stare with some peace despite some cringes occurring now and then before it's time to look away and start my day.