I tried to let them pass by me but I just couldn't...
~~~~
He said those words, I couldn't believe them, they weren't true, they just weren't, how could he? just how could- not me, why me? how me? what? why? - just huh, whatttt?
~~~~~
He kissed me, that usual soft touch that made my insides fold and melt, fluttering in warmth with my eyes closing in pleasure with a hum lisping out of my closed mouth.
His head squished against mine, he looked into my eyes as mine opened and my wonder was filled full in my pupil as I watched his eyes look straight through me.
It's been days since I've seen him and I miss him so much, my heart is thumping in my chest, so excited, exasperated. I missed him so much.
I don't know how I handled such a while gone away from him.
It seems to me he's thinking the same thing and that just makes me melt further and my heart pump deeper as it sinks into my chest. All my blood is flowing inwardly around me up to my now tinted red cheeks in which his two firm hands hold tight.
He's amazing.
I declare: decided.
He's amazing.
And no hesitation about it.
I smile more.
This whole past week I've been at school, and it was the last week of school until the New Year and Christmas break.
Oh, and all that week I didn't see him and now my heart is beating and thumping in my chest so vibrantly, it's scary, but I'm here now on my bed with him sitting beside me, looking straight at me, straight through me.
This week was just finals, nothing important and now I get two whole weeks off, so close to the holidays, I can almost taste it, and Andrew might just be my holiday. I giggle at the thought as I pull him closer sheepishly. His grin spreading, though he doesn't know the cause of my chuckle, he rides right alongside it as I pull his shirt towards me as an invitation and throw myself into a seductive kiss of his that causes my fluttering giggles to turn into hot mess pants. My body is bubbling as it vibrants with all its different colors, fear and happiness, it's crazy how those things go hand in hand. The glow around my bed, my room fills us up as our lips part in sync, our kisses form like one and our close proximity feeling natural.
I hum out a gasp of air once we separate.
Smiling as I open my eyes to the sight of his, I'm even more at ease.
His twinkling eyes curve upward as his mischief smile forms, the bubbling of my stomach continuing, rising up my ribcage but getting trapped, not letting this feverish feeling take over me as I let my eyesight fill and be the main conductor here, distracting me from my body's response.
I watch as Andrew's sitted body rises from the bed, his frame standing above the bed, no longer at my arm's length, I watch in suspicion and intrigue to what's next.
Eyes glued to his, green- brown eyes that entice me, brown circling around his pupil, outlining his dark eyes, sending me under with shivers despite the warm glow my room recently had always been able to make and contain, I watch as he circles the bed until he's at the opposite side of where he started. I sit still in the same spot, in the middle of the expansive bed.
Suspicious of his intentions, my eyebrows raised in question though I smirk along.
I watch as his tall structured body, shirt casually on his muscular chest, pulling at the right places, loose to make his soft sides show, he's tall, lean, sporty and perfect, though I have no idea how he keeps in shape, he's not bulky or too skinny, he's just right. God, I might sound crazy right now.
So, I stop this awaiting anticipation, zapping away this nonsense game he's begun and with one swift move, get on my knees, face him fully and pull his shirt harshly until his whole body slams onto the bed just as before. His chuckle doesn't faze me and my pull doesn't faze him as he collides onto the bed with such ease it's as though he did it himself.
His body plopping onto the bed, opposite side from where he had started and I'm giggling at his casual laid out position facing me with a seductive smirk, playful.
My head falling with a laugh following, his presence watching me, the glow of the winter sprinkling our surroundings as the light shines in my room and the dark afternoon peeks its way through the curtains, I ignore his effect on me with a quick snap back.
Surprising him with the switch of energy as I stare deep into his eyes, the roles switch as he questions me with a raised eyebrow,- intrigued, as he should. I smile proudly with the effect and a laugh falls right back out despite my efforts.
Covering it back up with the plan I had in mind, snapping back towards him with my smile and shaking head still visible on me, my focus stays on Andrew as he minds his own business with a smile, my laugh echoing for him that he doesn't realize my next movement. My fast movement pulling his lied position into mine and we both collide with our lips. The fluttering of our laughs evaporated as quick as they came and I gulped down this feverish gitters in the bottom of my stomach, tickling and making me ache, making me smile more. Sucked in by his soft skin and lips pulling and parting and staying intact as if it was his only hope of breath, it was my only hope of breath, it was ours.
Sinking further down into this world, my eyes closed with no tension as my eyebrows eased and I was completely his, for this moment, we were one.
A simple kiss that suddenly felt more powerful than any other act made, a soft kiss that was passionate with simply our chins touching and us both lying down on this comfy bed, close together, oh god, so close. I just- I didn't know how to describe it. I didn't have to, I let that part go and we were left in this perfect position.
As we broke apart, eyes staring into the other, silent as the moment ended, followed with our only other source of hope- our eyes, and then, his eyes crinkled at the sides, so soft but I could feel it, I could see it that mine did the same, my smile formed uncontrollably and our bursts of nervous happy giggles exploded the golden air, dusty sparking golden rays my room felt like. I was in paradise.
Laughing, smiling, teeth showing, hiding, licking lips, clashing teeth nervously but comfortably, maybe my nervous ways was just a seductive tick I had formed because I wasn't nervous, just a bit jittery is all.
My smile still on my face, focused down towards the bed underneath me as my thoughts flowed and Andrew's voice brought me back.
"Come on," he said, zapping me back to him, my eyes locked back onto his and all there was was his face. Brown eyes, brown hair, rosy skin, beautiful medium lips to perfect size that I could just swallow them up, I got distracted for a moment, damn, look back up Nina, back up!
Andrew scouching away, my eyes back onto his didn't happen quick enough for his body swooshes out of it's slick lied position, his knees bending along with his scouches until he reaches the edge of the bed where the sheets curve around the bed frame, pink and light pink, brown and green, the colors mix together creating a beautiful bed sheet for me with it's trees and flowers formed onto this masterpiece.
I smile as I see his seated position, eyes at his hips before looking into those eyes. His head turned to look behind him, finding me. His eyes crinkle along with his smile.
I feel amazing with him.
With no hesitation, I scouche up to his side, knees bending with my movement, bed sheets wrinkling underneath me doesn't bother me, my only destination is him, his glowing eyes that grow more into view the closer and closer I get to him until I'm right beside him, face right beside me, an amused grin on those gorgeous plump pink lips as he watches me with such adoration, I waste no time to sit at the edge along with him. Beautiful face, beautiful eyes, lips and aura, before anything can happen, I pull him into a kiss, hands pulling at the base of his neck as my lips connect to his, his response reluctantly giving in with no problem. My fingers caressing the back of his head of hair, his brown hair growing in between my fingers, pulling tighter as the kiss grows more passionate.
Lips entwined and tangled as we never disconnect, pulling his head to deepen towards mine as he shadows over me, tall even as we sit. I feel squished and involved in his touch, me dominate as he obeys, feeling his smile as he licks my lips and then I disconnect.
I small smile pecking at my lips, amused and smirking up at him, I can see that smirk in his eyes too.
Scrunching up my nose to his expression, eyes squinting, I raise my chin higher, trying to get at an even height, he can see this and tries the same as me, raising his head with ease.
Pouting at his little tease, I laugh, sitting normally when my continuous tries don't work.
"Andrew," I whine, my face pouting in a funny glare.
"Nina," he cooes, his nose scrunching too, nose tickling mine as he looks down at me.
I suddenly feel my heart racing, anticipating the next moment, still stubborn with a glare but an excited smile still coming out.
He kisses me, pulling my lips to face his as it cups my lips perfectly, my lips swollen and parting with his, pink against pink.
He's perfect, so perfect.
I don't even hear his mumbles of soft moans as it mixes with my own.
Now him in domonice, I don't even mind that he's a little taller than me.
I smile into the kiss as we then disconnect with my eyes closed and my smile fully out.
I feel glowed up along with him.
"Nina," his whisper voice comes into view and my closed mouth smile grows.
"Hmm?" I hum out, waiting for what it is he wants to say.
Eyes still closed, taking in still his recent kiss,- beautiful kiss-
Silence follows as then his warm hand grazes the tip of my chin, guiding it to face up and my eyes open in curiosity. Spotting his vibrant green eyes that circle around the pupil and the brown entices the rest of the beautiful eye, I'm hypnotized.
Another heart melting response from my part as my heart stays swallowed in my throat and my eyes ease even more.
"Hmm?" I question once more with a little tease to it now, raising my head higher as I rub against him softly, like a cat.
He giggles.
"Oh, Nina," he awes and it makes me swoon but another kisses forms and the moment is transformed and I'm in trance.
This moment is everything to me before I look up back at him with a disconnected kiss and a smile at my lips.
His gaze looking straight down at me, both of us comfy at the edge of the bed, room warm and warmer beside him, I laugh and my submissive awed eyes leave as I become again dominant as before. But I'm still melting inside as I give him another peck on the lips before leaving his with a smirk on mine.
"Oh, Nina," he awes, making me smile more, looking into those doe eyes of his, intense and powerful eyes of his.
"What?" I pout underneath his strong demeanor.
He chuckles lightly with a smile on my lips before he kisses me again and creeps his fingers along my sides before tickling me sweetly.
A burst of surprised giggles escaping.
Looking down on me with an adoring look in his eyes, I wonder what it's for and find myself lost in those orbs of his.
The echoes of my laughs dimming, the light of this room continuing, I hear his proud and soft voice come through to me.
"I love you Nina," he tells me, his eyes so soft I barely even catch the words.
A whisper so soft that it didn't flow correctly, didn't comprehend fully.
"What?" I manage to ask as my heart suddenly feels heavy and my breathing grows more staggered suddenly, what did he say?
"I love you,"
I heard it this time, I heard it.
The awe in my eyes vanish as they widen and I suddenly can't feel anything in my body yet can feel it all, everything moving slowly and precisely.
"What?" My voice comes out as a shriek as my close proximity leaves with a quick slide of my butt and I'm standing up off the bed and away from his warm embrace that I imagine is cold now.
"What?" He questions looking up at me with his confused eyes, looking straight through me.
"What, no, don't give me that look," I command as my finger points at him, "What did you just say?" As I grow panicked and I feel taller as I look down at his seating position on the edge of my bed and the room suddenly feels cold and I can't feel my legs and my heart is beating loudly and my eyes are almost out of their sockets.
"I-,"
"No!" I interrupt with a loud zap of my voice, strong and scared, my heart feeling as though it's skipping beats as it booms faster and faster, "How dare you?!" I scream.
"What?" He looks up at me confused as his eyebrows scrunched down and my frustration grows along with my eyebrows rising in anger.
"How dare you say those words?!" I explain with another fierce angry blow of the words.
"What? 'I love you'?" He questions, growing irritated himself as he looks up at me.
My heart sinks at the sound of those words, my body tensing up and I feel as though everything's stuck in me though I force a breath out.
"Ya! How- how can you?- what?- just, what? ugh, huh? just what, I-" my eyebrows raised and knit, falling as I ramble, angry and confused, wanting to pace but I stand still, my arms bouncing beside me along with my rant, "How, how, how-" I can't say the words.
"What? 'How can I love you'?" he asks, his voice peeping its way through my fuss and puss that blows away the light and everything around is now grey and dark like the winter night.
I look to him in astonishment, shocked and disgusted
"Ya!" I spit to his question, "how- how- how, can you love me, just - what, why?"
Silence follows and as I look down at his figure, I can see he's more relaxed, astonished really as his scrunched up eyebrows ease down, looking at me as if he realizes what's going on, it's like he sees right through my anger and this pisses me off more. My momentarily peaceful gaze I got from his peaceful gaze zaps away again and I turn away with a huff.
His soft voice buts in,"How can I not love you?" He questions and his question seems sincere that my bulging eyes lessen and my heartbeat skips and it sinks down deeper, a tear blurring my vision but as I look down at him it vanishes and my anger comes hard again.
"How dare you!" I scream.
"How dare I what?"
"How dare you love me?"
"I love you, I love you, I love you, and I'll say it again, I love you Nina Had-"
"No! No," I stop him before he can finish those words as another fierce fire comes to him and my cry for help is seen in my blurry eyes but the ego wins over and I can't stop screaming,"How can you love me? I'm awful, I'm disgusting, you can't love me, you shouldn't love me, you deserve more, not me? How can you love me?"
"Oh, Nina," his sweet voice swoops in.
"No, you can't love me, you're crazy, I don't deserve your love," I interrupt with my quick zap, dismissing his feelings, dismissing mine.
"Nina, yes you do, you deserve everything,"
"No! How can you love me?"
"I love you because of you, your smile, because you're strong, and you're different. I love you through your fears and struggles, I love you because you don't hide. You try and you care, I love you and I've felt it forever, for such a long time and now I have to tell you, I truly love you,"
"No, no, no!"
"Nina," his soft voice cuts in one more time and this time I let him in, turned away, looking towards the window and the curtains that flow beside it, it's too hot that the blow doesn't affect me and I'm too cold that the grey room is now daunting, my strong jaw stays shut and my eyes are blank and I listen in emotionless, "you deserve love, you deserve my love,"
And for a moment, I believe it, the soft voice comes in and his words make sense and my eyes ease along with my tense body, suddenly no longer so hot and numb but it doesn't last long as the angry fog flies back.
"Oh, ya," my determined voice says,"well, I deserve better." Eyes dark and my head turned to him, I wouldn't have been able to express those words out load with our gaze together, but now as I see those wide disbelief eyes, I want to wipe it all away and I want to hold on to him, but I can't, I just can't, I can't utter those words back, I can't deserve such attention, it doesn't make sense it's not in my job description, I can't, I just can't, I can't, I can't.
And all those words and thoughts drive me away, leading me to a running sprint as I exit my room, leaving a seating Andrew. My surroundings blurring beside me, the grey and dark hallway not phasing in, heart racing, heart hitching in my throat that I can barely breathe. It's not until I'm finally out of my house, out into the open wide air, that a single tear falls from my eyes.
~~~
But this story doesn't prove me right
~~~~~
I made sure to stay cool, right?
~~~~~
Please help me, make me feel good
~~~~~
He can't love me, he doesn't love me
~~~~~~
How did everything change?
~~~
How?