I had Sex with him, fucking sex
And well...
Waking up to him.
To him!
I smiled brightly, stretching my arms up as I woke up. The room lit with the morning sunrise. The white flowy drapes fell over the windows, swaying with the small breeze entering, contrasting the room, making everything look clear and a faze, like a memory.
I turned to my side, looking at his profile. So beautiful. I sighed out another warm smile.
Observing him silently, awing at him.
So beautiful.
Smirking a bit at the thought of him near, waking up to him, him being mine.
I know he isn't asleep but he keeps his eyes closed anyway, him smiling before he gets ready to truly wake up.
Rubbing my lips against each other, I watch his peaceful act. Spotting a few small summer freckles that are slowly fading away with the fall season, watching his chest rise and fall, creating a rhythm with the drapes on either side of my bed. It's like we really are in our own world, the room looking like a cloud of white and the dust like sunrise taking over us. I feel the bed shift as he stirss, turning over and facing me.
He breathes in loudly, his eyes still closed with his hands underneath his head, just like me. I continue watching him, flickering from his hair to his closed eyes and lips.
I watch as his lips turn up in a brighter closed smile.
A peaceful silence fills the room with our breathing as a wave, echoing through the silent room.
His eyes pop open.
Innocent and mysterious his eyes are, green and brown, a mixture of his carefree and serious tones.
His eyes tilt up with joy as he gets a look of me, seeing me lying in front of him, probably looking all messy, but I don't think he sees that, I think he sees the afterglow of last night, the sun bouncing off my body and the reflection of the warm room in me.
I smile with him.
Safe.
We're safe.
I can see it in his eyes.
Ugh!
I didn't think I'd react this way. I thought, if I ever did it, if I did it, that really it wouldn't really matter or happen in the first place. But now it happened and I'm thinking about it. Lying on my bed, facing the ceiling, I sigh, thinking of last night, repeating it in my head.
Is it obvious I just did it?- eekkkk
Remembering how he looked me deep in the eyes, so careful like I was fragile, fucking fragile, nobody cares so much about me.
How I woke up to him on my bed, the steady beating of his heart echoing in my head.
Were we one now?
I loved waking up to him, I can't even deny it to myself, maybe if I had done it earlier or with someone else, I would be oblivious, non-cholant, who gives a fuck kinda attitude, yet still terrified. But I wasn't terrified.
As I sit here, writing in this mysterious green notebook, yep this is my designated thought processor, I let it all out.
Now facing my mattress as I write. Andrew isn't here right now, I took this notebook out almost immediately after he left. Leaving me with a warm kiss, soft peck as I savored his lips, so gentle and pure, with much protest, he left my room out the window.
The enchanted window, if you must call it, bringing beautiful creatures into my room, transporting me into a new world of perfection and once they leave, reality hits you in the chest again.
That's why I took this book out of its drawer, because the thoughts started spilling in, regret and confusion. Andrew leaving out the windows, crawling out so flawlessly, looking out to him so lovingly, even after he left I still watched his vanished figure. My gaze then found my desk that sat right by my window and bed. No thoughts came to me at first and then it dawned over me. Watching the clean wood and then spotting the small drawer, my notebook, it began calling at me as my doubts came to me.
I rushed out of my comfortable position and now that I think of it, my body really hurt moving, but my brain didn't get the message as I scrambled forward and pulled my notebook out of its place. The green notebook at my chest.
Writing down I HAD SEX WITH HIM, FUCKING SEX. AND WELL...
And well.. I stopped writing, what was I to write anyway? I just laid in my bed, thinking about the night as I let the green notebook fall out of my hands for my thoughts to process. A movie of our night played in my head, an unclear movie as scenes flashed through my brain. And that's when my doubts disappeared, there was nothing to worry about, it was Andrew, it was perfect.
Smiling up at the ceiling, thinking of the way he looked at me, the flash of his eyes blazed in my head, like a picture memory. The way he reassured my body with his small caresses and soft voice, so sweet and sexy, the way he knew how and what to do. If it wasn't for him, I could've had sex without the condom, oh god, I'm glad that didn't happen.
I mean of course I wouldn't have done it without, you know, the condom...
But I didn't have to think about that with him, I could just be in the moment, truly feel what was happening, the craves, his taste, nothing could penetrate the moment.
I remember an unclear part of our night, when it was dark all around us, only seeing each other's shadows and we sat close together. I watched as he looked into my eyes for yet another reassurance and then looked back at our naked bodies. It was too dark to really see anything, but at the same time it was very intimate and we were able to notice every detail. My image of this moment is a desirable red fog, the room dark yet an orb of our warm light circling around us all the while.
I don't know if that makes sense, but through the whole night, we were surrounded by a peaceful light, warm.
He kissed my forehead, such a small touch yet sending shivers down my legs again, my heat tingly and rising, in the... You know where... And he caressed my leg, easing it down before sliding the condom onto him.
Ew, condom...
Ya, but it wasn't weird, how was that not weird?!?!
Maybe that's another reason why I'm confused. It wasn't weird, it was perfect.
Just writing that down makes me smile.
Yep, last night, was... Perfect...
Thank you!!!