Deal With Chaos #ProjectNigeria

Chapter 59

The sun was shining brightly so much that it felt like an insult.

The sun should never shine at a funeral.

Especially one of someone so young.

Samuel's eyes stung at the brightness of it.
So much that it almost felt like mockery.
Like the world was mocking him.

His father was standing tall beside him, like granite he was so cold and like a statue so emotionless.
Samuel wanted to be just like his father.
Wanted to be as strong as him.
But he couldn't help it, couldn't help his shaking hands.
Couldn't help his lips from quivering.
And his eyes from shedding tears.

As dirt hit the coffin below him, it felt like whips on his back.
The pain not so different from his father's belt on his back.
Constantly and painfully reminding him of his failure as a boy.
And how all he did was disappoint him.
This time was different, his mother's soothing touch didn't come after.
This time the pain was long lasting and enduring.Samuel knew he'd feel this pain for the rest of his life.

Later on, as the drums of the musicians echoed throughout the compound, Samuel hid out in his room in defiance and anger.

Why  did they insist on celebrating the death of someone who died so young?

Since when was 40 the acceptable age for such a thing? And why was everyone partaking in such a thing?

The thirteen year old was dumbfounded at all of this.

He sat down and cried the way a little boy would cry for his mother.
"Mummy ...mummy..." he chanted to himself.

How was he supposed to survive his father...survive life without her.
She was the one thing he couldn't live without.

Just like that the darkness came.
Like the devils hug, it hurt and suffocated.
Until he saw nothing and was nothing.

"Sam?"

And God said let there be light.

And there Tomisin stood.

Samuel's light.

Tomisin had always been his friend, always stood by him.
Samuel has always cared about him, always appreciated him.
But now....Samuel desperately needed him...needed the light he emitted so easily.

Samuel watched Tomi walk into his room and sit down beside him.
"Hey." Tomi said to him, "your dad is looking for you."

Samuel shrugged, the man could kill him later for all he cared but he wasn't going anywhere near that party.

"Hey I get, it's somehow." Tomi added, "I wouldn't be want to be there either."
Samuel nodded in reply.

"Plus Dayo and Moyin is there with their parents as well, and Dayo is being annoying."

Samuel chuckled, "She likes you, you know?"

Tomi grimaced, "whatever."

Samuel looked at Tomi from his side eye, "thank you." he muttered under his breath.

Tomisin smiled and rested his head on his friends shoulder, "I'm sorry."

Samuel was surprised at the tears running down his friends face, "why are you crying?"

"This all reminds me of my mum, and well I miss her ...I miss her so much."
Samuel blinked as tears stung his eyes once more, and rested his head on Tomi's head.

And as the two boys wept over their mothers in the cold dark room, their agony so real that it could be felt.
The boy called Samuel stared at his best friend.
He watched the tears that crowned his beautiful eyelashes.
The nose that was scrunched from trying to hold the tears back.
The mouth that was frowning in pain:
The boy called Samuel felt a strange desire to take away his pain.
The boy called Samuel felt a strange urge to protect the boy called Tomisin, felt the strong urge to care for him.

Because in the middle of his night, Tomi became the stars of his life.

In the middle of his pain, Tomi brought his relief.

In the midst of his darkness, Tomi shone.

Samuel a boy used to being so enveloped in pain and suffering, suddenly craved a touch...a hug...a kiss from the light.

And to always be around it.

Always be around him.

Later on, their fathers found them together asleep, resting on each other in a way that was endearing.
A testament to their growing dependence.
The beginning of love unrequited.

Before Tomisin left Samuel's place later that day.
Samuel asked Tomi, "why do you keep calling me Sam, everyone calls me Samuel and my dad prefers it."

Tomisin grinned at Samuel, the wild and happy grin that the boy would later fall for.
"I prefer Sam, it's more ....you."

Later on, the boy pondered at that moment.
The moment when he had been given a new identity, a new name set apart from the one that had always felt like burden that he had always carried.

A name that made him feel born again.

A name that felt like the breath of life.

And so Sam realized that the day he lost Tomisin, would be the day he lost his identity.
His rebirth.

His life.

*******

Dear Tomisin
I guess this is an apology, or it is supposed to be an eulogy.
I fucked up man, I have no excuse.
Maybe  death has made me brave, and so now I can feel like I tell you how much I love you. I'm so sorry for loving you, so sorry for becoming so depraved...someone so revolting.
But I couldn't help it, my life in the beginning was without form and void, and darkness was on the face of my heart, then God said let there be light, and there you stood, walking into my room, shining like the sun.
That's what you are Tomi, you are my sun.
And so when I lost you, the darkness became too much.
Too much.
I'm tired Tomi.
I'm tired of being alive. It's too hard.
Loving you was hard.
Being a son to my father was hard.
Hurting Nessa was hard.
And I can't do it anymore.
Maybe this is my 'mea culpa' or a way to get you to forgive me.
After all, who can stay angry at a dead man.
Maybe if I'm out of the way, you and Kayla could be together. Maybe you would be better off.
So in a way I'm doing this for you. You don't need me.
We both knew it.
And so that's why I did everything I could keep you around me.
And now when all else has failed.
I guess. I don't know what to say again.
I'm crying Tomisin ....I can't stop crying.
I'm emptying ....why am I so empty?
I'm dying Tomi....I've always been dying.
I'm so sorry I'm so so sorry.
Please be happy.
But I'm still a selfish bastard.
So don't forget me.
Miss me.

**********

This is hard for me.

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