Deal With Chaos #ProjectNigeria

Chapter 58

On days were time ages
And aches
On mornings when joy is fleeting
And pain enduring
Your mind a constant state of self hate, self distaste and self worthlessness.

You take a step back and try to pinpoint it
The origin of this incessant need
This everlasting feeling
When did life become a chore
And death seem like the reward

You search for faith
You come up for empty
You look for love
You end up broken
You wait for hope
You find despair aplenty

You refuse to write
Sad words are tiring.

Between the good and worst of it all
You sit in the middle.
You sit in the okay.
And wait for nothing.

*****

Tomisin knew it would be hard.
But he didn't know it would be this hard.

He saw her immediately he walked into the class, his eyes stuck on her as if they were searching for her all along.

She was still so beautiful.
Even more so now, like something unattainable, something that was always out of reach.
Almost glorious.

She was glaring playfully at Yusuf, one of his set mates.
He couldn't help it, but he was jealous.
He was no longer able to get that reaction from her.

When Yusuf's eyes collided with his, Tomi wanted to bark at him.
Tell him he should behave himself.
That's his girl he was playing with.

Tomisin wasn't sure which hurt more.
The realization that she was no longer his.
Or the the fact that he hadn't even fully accepted losing her yet.

And so when he eventually walked out of the class later on, Tomisin stood and stared at his trembling hands, he felt he was going through withdrawal.
Like even his body was fighting the idea of not being with her.

They say knowledge is power, but Tomi only felt weak.
This particular knowledge was draining him.
He desperately wished for the days that he knew nothing.
That all he had in his heart was love and devotion.
For love could not conquer this.
Love conquered nothing.

How could people do this? Tomi wondered
Love someone one day and the next be indifferent.
Lovers then strangers.

It was confusing as fuck.

Tomi let out a few deep breaths.
He just needed to feel okay.

Even if it was for a minute.

He needed to feel okay.

But his hands kept trembling and his eyes kept getting blurry.

Fuck.
This was his mother all over again.

"Tomi?"

Tomisin looked up and was greeted with the sight of a sullen and apologetic Sam looking at him.

But he was getting sick of it.

He sighed, "Not now Sam."  and walked away.

Sam however continued to follow him, "Guy, you still dey vex?"

Tomisin said nothing but continued to make his way to the stairs leading to the exit.

"Tomi?"

Tomisin suddenly turned around, "Yes I'm still angry! So guy leave me the fuck alone!"

Sam stopped in surprise, "Wait...for real?" He asked looking confused.

Tomisin's eyes widened in shock, "Yes for fucking real! And for good fucking reason."