Shatter

Chapter 47

               I want to die. I feel like I'm dying.

               Every damm second that passes, it's a whole eternity that just won't end. A large compilation of negative emotions bearing down on me till I just can't think of anything except what happened.

               It's over.

               That was it. That was it...wasn't it? Everything-No...No!

               It can't be-be over! Please don't let it be over!

               "Nn-" I struggle and cough while rolling onto my back, my face so damp from sweat, my nose stuffed up from this fvcking cold that I can only breathe through my mouth. I could've changed this. I could've taken care of myself, in fact, I sort of did, but it was like my heart wasn't strong enough to keep this stupid sneezing at bay.

               I feel like a wheezing as$hole. Fvck, that's exactly what I am. My throat feels a little scratchy, that's the upside, but for some reason this cold took it to the next level and now my entire body is aching.

               It probably figured out I was an elite dickhead and is trying to put the world out of its misery by killing me off.

               Fvck, I'm dramatic.

               Just resting the back of my hand on my forehead, feeling how warm my skin is, I didn't know I could sweat this fvcking much by just sitting in bed all day...It sucks. At least if I weren't sick, I could distract myself with something, anything, but I'm just here, caught in the act and made to think about yesterday.

               "I'm so screwed up." I whisper after covering my eyes.

               So fvcked up.

               I haven't even faced what this means. All that, 'it's over' means.

               No more teasing her the way I do whenever she lets her guard down. No more playing with her hair for a full minute until I kiss it in my fingers whenever she's fast asleep and doesn't see me being corny or cheesy. Always pushing the limits so I can spend as much of my time with her as possible, memorizing everything in her refrigerator just because I'm so in love with her I want to know what she likes to fvcking eat.

               I won't be able to lie down with her anymore. To watch her long eyelashes grow still after I give her a final peck on the cheek when she's tired.

               She won't be around to get up the guts to play with my brown waves, and I won't have her fangirling around my room, checking me out like I'm not real when she doesn't think I notice. There'll be no more good night text messages. No soft or heated kisses.

               I won't ever get to make love to her the way I wanted to when I set my heart on getting married to her.

               I won't ever share myself with her again...and she'll never share herself with me.

               Fvck...I-I won't ever see Raven again.

               "Rae..." My voice isn't even stable...I can only manage to calm down a few seconds at a time before my eyes flood with tears, so much that I don't even have to blink for them to fall down the side of my face, joining the rest of my moist hair.

               "Channyboy? You alive in there?" I reach forward for my pillow and drag it closer, my body rolling over to my side and I bury my fvcking face in my sheets, the clean smell not doing anything to relax me when I slowly lose the ability to keep quiet.