Shatter

Chapter 5

               Without hesitation the bathroom door bangs open and I shut it before looking inside every stall to make sure they're all empty, but I can't hold the tears anymore as I examine the last one, finding I'm all alone, my strength gone and I'm on my knees, crying into my skin, clenching my teeth so I can strangle my echoing voice as much as possible.

               I feel my nose start to run and I reach for some tissue before it gets out of control, and I again can't see because the tears are drowning out my 20/20 eyesight.

               I thought I could hold onto my attitude at least another hour but I guess I was wrong...I'm just a pathetic mess that runs to the bathroom to cry after seeing her ex boyfriend suddenly.

               I blow my nose 3 times before I wipe the cold tears away; getting up to throw away the tissue before I run my hands threw my hair.

               Oh gosh...

               "Gosh..." I groan and brave the action to look at myself, wondering without my minds permission, what Chandler thought of me after all this time.

               Out of all the things I thought I'd think about, Chandler's impression of the 16 year old me wasn't one of them.

               I thought the cruel satisfaction of telling him off best I could, would be running through me. Adrenaline at the thought that, maybe saying something even remotely hurtful that actually stunned him would help me forget about him.

               Who knows, maybe confronting him was something that I needed. Or when I said those things, I thought it was, but now that I'm here, it just...I feel...so odd.

               I sigh and bend forward to lean over the circular white sink, a few bubbles still on the silver ring and I breathe in the odd smelling soap scent.

               Since we don't love each other anymore.

               Oh gosh...I said that...and it hurt us both, I know it did. I mean, I always knew, that even when he was casting me aside, he loved me, and he knew I loved him, and the reason for him dumping me was to protect me, it wasn't because we stopped feeling for each other, I've known that, but I also know he didn't love me enough to stay with me. To work out whatever problems we had.

               If he didn't love me enough to trust me like I trusted him...then I don't want to see him.

               We've agreed in so many words not spoken that we don't know each other.

               I came here on a stupid whim. Joan's whim and I thought I could do it...but I wasn't even suspecting this slap in the face of seeing him again.

               I know its mean, but I feel like I should report that twitter account for inadequate information.

               I force a smile on my lips at the thought, and touch my fingertips on them, my nail tracing on the pink skin.

               I still wonder what Chandler thinks of me...He saw me in the past, and it was odd back then, everything was...but, this is now, and even though it was only 10 minutes at the most, he saw me...he had a chance to look me over.

               I groan in frustration at the ache in my heart at the remembrance that I still love him. If not as much back then, then a little. I mean, that's what I led myself to believe. That one year was like going without something you crave.