Hard to get? //Luke Hemmings #Watty2015

Chapter 12

The next month passed pretty smoothly. My skin is clearer than it has been ever before. Mine and Dean's relationship was pretty neutral and because I was handling two job, I'd didn't have to suffer being in his company.

There were a couple of times where he'd hit me or squeezed my arm too tightly, but it wasn't anything I wasn't used to. I realize now, I shouldn't be used to it, but I guess when it happens so often it becomes slightly normal.

I had relapsed a couple of times, don't get me wrong, just because everything was 'okay' at the moment didn't mean I wasn't still down.

I'd 'hurt myself' a few times but not half as many times as I'd been used to. I hate the term self-harmed or hurting yourself because in society at the moment, it's like words everyone uses in day to day life. It shouldn't be that way. I don't want to do that to myself. I don't want to have scars on my wrist and thighs by my own doing.

I would never call self-harming a choice but I wouldn't say that I didn't choose to do it in the first place.

I'd call it people's escape.

When some people need to avoid the thoughts in their heads they draw, run, dance, listen to music. Except when you start self-harming, you find it's the best way to escape. The chemicals and toxins that run through your nerves and veins causing pain to take over the thoughts you had.

People self-harm because they feel like that's the best way to get your mind off those thoughts, but I know that there is a much better emotion instead of pain that works way better.

You just need to find it.

I was standing in front of the mirror wearing only my undergarments. My pale skin had slowly evened out to the same shade. The bruises had almost disappeared. Every body part didn't ache or hurt. My face is free of any marks.

I finally look how a girl should look. I don't look like a girl who has been pushed down to the floor and had to shield herself with her arms to not break her jaw. I don't look like a girl who was tore away from her family to go across the world with someone who she doesn't love.

I look like how every girl should look.

I ignored the scaring on my wrists because right now they were the least of my concerns. I couldn't hate the scars or be angry at them because I'd inflicted them, not anyone else, not Dean.

I felt a tear roll down my face, but I didn't make the effort to brush it way. Every tear held so much emotion that shows I'm human.

The noise from the bedroom of Dean's snoring told me I should move. I slipped on my white jeans, that for once weren't black. I'd bought them after Chloe made me try on clothes blindfolded and they actually look really nice. Accept I extra make sure I'm not on my period when I wear them.

They are high waist so I wore a black vest crop top with the batman logo across my chest. It tied in a little knot at the middle and only showed a tiny bit of my stomach.

I quickly brushed through my light brown hair and left it as it was. My hair's pretty easy to manage and I don't straighten it because it's straight but not so straight it looks like you have. I applied my usual makeup and decided to add some winged liner.

I knew either Dean would like it or hate it, but for some reason I felt slightly confident.

I stood back in front of the mirror and decided I looked better than I normally do. It was one of those days where you take selfies and save them to your phone so when you look bad you post that one instead.

I am 100% sure people can relate to that.

I shoved my phone in my pocket and went into the kitchen where I started on breakfast. Within five minutes Dean had cereal ready for him and I'd eaten a cereal bar and a banana.