Let me love you. ✔

Caller's ID

Nova

I couldn't believe Matt when he said he would send me away because I drag him with me. I feel bad enough as it is keeping him awake every night and having to put up with my lack of power and happiness. He didn't need to rub it in my face like that, especially when my worst nightmare came to hunt me. And what about all that I love you and I will do anything for you. All bullshit.

At least, that's what he made me believe.

I hope he didn't understand what I yelled at him. It wasn't the prettiest. He knows what fuck you mean in Spanish and Dutch and that part he understood. He didn't mind it I guess. That stupid smile on his face was proof of it.

That was four weeks ago and I'm glad he did. I think if he hadn't, no, I know if he hadn't put that mirror in front of me I would never have crawled back out of that dark place. Yes, I'd ticked me off, even made me hostile. It also made me aware that he is right. That Dean is continuing to make me feel ashamed of who I am. I became a ghost of the person I used to be.

That shame is disappearing a little bit day by day. It's not an easy road and there are a lot of mountains I have to climb. The line goes slowly upwards with the help of Matt and my therapist and we made an appointment with the gossip magazine.

It won't be an article for their magazine. No, Matt and my therapist feel like it's better if everyone sees the real me. Not some words on a page that can be interpreted the wrong way. It will be broadcasted on TV on their channel.

Yes, I'm nervous as hell. That said, I need to do this. Of course, not everyone will believe me and stay on Dean's side. I'm aware of it. I have to do it, though. Because if I don't, I will stay afraid to go back to my normal routine. To go back on the beach, the street, work, just normal life in general, would feel like a challenge if I don't speak.

After the article was published people threw a lot of shit over me. I'm so glad I don't have social media accounts. Unfortunately, Matt's accounts were targeted and he had to read all the insane things people said. He deleted everything negative, blocked the person's, and tried to keep it away from me. Although, when we were at the grocery store, an older woman came out of nowhere and started screaming at me. At that moment I knew it was much worse than I ever could imagine.

Dallas is having a hard time too. Hannah told me when she visited us. Jaimy tags along and I noticed that he and Matt became friends. Dallas never comes with them. Nine out of ten times he won't answer his phone and if I speak to him, he doesn't say much. I have to drag the words out of him and even then he answers only with yes, no, uhu. I asked him to come with us to the interview, he didn't say no. I hope he thinks about it and even if he doesn't come, I'm determined to clear his name. He doesn't deserve this.

I shiver runs over my spine when Matt rubs his hands over my arms and leaves a soft kiss on my cheek. I didn't see or hear him coming onto the terrace.

"It's nice outside, isn't it?" Taking the lazy chair beside me. His eyes run over me, checking my state.

I smile at him. "Yes, it is." I don't like to be outside, not after the verbal attack in the grocery store. We're working on that too.

His eyes move away looking at the sea. Shifting my body I turn on my side and take the opportunity to look at him. It's almost indecent to be this gorgeous. His lips curl up and I know I've been caught.

I miss him in a way. He has been very gentle with me, afraid I would break in two if he embraced me too hard. I lost a little over fifteen pounds and I have been trying hard to put it back on. Matt told me he didn't like it when I lost weight for his premiere. I only lost four pounds back then, but he immediately said that he rather feel my curves than my bones.