Klance oneshots

The choice yo holla

"Did you see the way she looked at me today!? She's totally into me," Lance happily said. Keith snorted and pointed his fork at him. 

"If that's the case, did you finally ask her out?" He asked. 

"Uhhh..."

"Yeah," Keith took a bite of his salad "that's what I thought you desperate fuck." Lance waved his hands in the air angrily making loud, angry, bisexual noises. 

"In all seriousness, haven't you been after her since fourth grade? Seriously, what's taking so long?" Keith asked. 

"She keeps dating other people right when I get the chance! Sometimes I'll wake up and go 'this is it, this is the fucking day' and I'm hyping myself up, and when I go to talk to her, she's talking about a new boyfriend or girlfriend she has and I'm left like... 'this is fINE," Lance calmly explained. Except it wasn't calm. He wanted to scream. But what else is new?

"Well, don't forget that promise you made in seventh grade," Keith said. 

"The one about the jellybeans and fire extinguisher?" Lance asked. 

"No, the other one," Keith informed. Lance sat in silence for a good five minutes trying to piece together what the fuck Keith was talking about. 

"I'm stumped. What was the promise?" Lance asked. 

"That if you didn't get a date with Allura by the time you're in twelveth grade, you'd take me out for a date. Eleventh grade is ending and by fuck am I still waiting," Keith responded. 

"Ohhhhhhhh, yeah! I remember now! I appreciate your patience in these trying times," Lance said with a slight blush. 

"Yeah, well, I've been fucking waiting for a while but else can a very gay man do but wait, you know? After all, Shiro waited, like, ten fucking years before he finally gathered the vagina to ask Adam out-"

"'The vagina?' Don't you mean 'the balls'?"

"No, because balls are fucking weak. You kick someone where their ping-pong balls are and they fall over in pain. Citizens with vagina's literally push a human being out of them for hours on end and by the time it's done, they got a real human baby straight from their uterus in their arms. Plus-"

"Okay, I agree with you, just stop talking. Please," Lance begged. He loved Keith, he was his best friend, but holy fuck he phrases things weird. 

"Right, so anyway, I have plans made already," Keith added. 

"Already? Really?" Lance tried teasing. Keith just raised an eyebrow and side-eyed him. 

"Do you not already have date plans made with Allura?" He asked. Lance went to open his mouth to protest but when he realized that he did, in fact, have imaginary date plans made already, he closed his mouth. 

"See?" 

Lance grumbled and shoved a breadstick in his mouth. 

The two boys were at an olive garden just for the hell of it. They were both hungry, Lance had money and you just can't turn down breadsticks. After he swallowed, Lance asked Keith where he was planning on taking him for their maybe date. 

"Bitch, like fuck I'm telling you. The plans I have are so great and powerful, that if I were to tell you now, you'd drop everything you have with Allura and flat out marry me. I at least want to give you a chance because I'm a good friend like that. Also, I don't want to make any promises I can't keep, so that's there too," Keith said. 

"Yeah, that's probably fair. I know where I'd take you."

"Oh?"

"The garbage dump."
It was then that Keith decided to throw a napkin at his face.