Finding Home (The Affair Series Book 3)

The House

As Stef stood inside the home she once lived in with Sharon her stomach turned inside out. By this time it was an abandoned shack much like the other homes she lived in but every inch of it remained the same in her eyes. Tears could only roll down her eyes as she saw the bathroom tub that she hid in so many times as it was just as rusted as before. She saw the same ripped couch in the living room that served as her bed and she saw her mother's bedroom that she hated. Just like the trailer in Nevada the site turned her stomach as roaches crawled on the kitchen counter among the left behind dishes and old furniture that belong to Sharon. Stef even saw one or two of her dolls laying around and she just wasn't sure how in the hell to feel. Not at all.

"You ok babe?" Lena asked holding the blondes hand and seeing the tears fall from her eyes. Tears fell from her eyes as well for she could really see once again what Stef  faced as a kid and what her mother had her living in. If at all possible this place was far worse than the trailer.

"Yeah. I'm ok love.  This just, this feels worse then Nevada for some reason. Feels like I got punched in the stomach."

"It's ok. Just feel what you need to." Lena reassured squeezing her hand as the blonde walked further into the kitchen. 

"I mean believe it or not it looks the same. I don't think anyone moved in after us because it's the same shitty furniture and everything. These shitty yellow chairs my mother got that she would burn her cigarettes out in. Her and her boyfriend would drink beers in here and smoke joints while I tried to sleep in the living room. That back door he ran out of when the cops came one night and my mother blamed me saying I called them. It's like I just remember everything. Her pushing me to the ground and beating the shit out of me because I dared to ask her to take me to see Santa. It's all still here Lena and that pain just I still feel it. Like it happened yesterday. And for her to say she was sorry in a letter I don't know babe. What am I supposed to believe?"

"Baby," Lena said walking to girlfriend and cupping her cheek. "What does your heart believe? MM? It doesn't matter what any of us believe it's what you believe and only you. Deep in your heart. What do you believe baby?"

"I want to believe her letter. I want to believe what she told me when she was dying. Maybe I believe some of it but maybe it was easier hating her. But I didn't hate her as much as I should of. How is it fucking possible that I loved her. How? That I loved her even a tiny bit after everything."

"Because it's who you are. I think despite all the pain she put you through, all the heartache, lying about your aunt you couldn't help it babe. That's how your heart is and there is nothing wrong with that baby. Nothing. It's good you got away from her, yes because she wasn't good for you but don't beat yourself up for loving your mother. It's ok sweetheart. It is."

"Yeah well do you think any of this matters. That seeing any of this will do something?"

"I don't know baby. Maybe not today or next week but maybe in a month from now. It can only really add to your healing process. If you think long and hard why did you want to continue on?"

"Curiosity I guess to see what I would remember or how I would feel. I mean I don't feel amazing or anything. That's for damm sure."

"Well of course not. No one would expect you to feel amazing or happy or any of that. You may not even know what you feel."

"I don't babe. I feel like I was just here yesterday as crazy as that sounds trying to scrub those dishes because my mother didn't want to mess up her pink nail polish. You know how much I hate pink nail polish? Callie use to beg me to paint her nails pink and I refused. I refused to paint them in general because just the smell brought me back to this kitchen. Crazy right?"

"No love it's not."

"I guess it's good that I'm here. Facing this I think I need to. Even if it's a bitch."

"Mama?" The blonde soon heard seeing Frankie in the doorway looking worried.

"Yeah babe?"

"Aunt Fran and Debbie are here."

"Thanks sweets."

"Sure." Walking over to her mother Frankie gave her a hug as the blonde hugged her back warmly along with Jude and Lena. Kissing their foreheads she soon pulled apart seeing her aunt in the doorway smiling. Stef could only feel tears run down her eyes as Debbie soon appeared as well and she felt 9 years old all over again. She did as images of them looking younger flashed in her mind along with the night her aunt rescued her from this home. Tears ran down her eyes so much she could barely see as she walked closer to the two women feeling partly ashamed. She did as Fran walked closer to her grabbing her hand and lifting her chin up.

"I love you my little girl. I love you so much and I'm so proud of you. I am and I missed you more then you will ever know."

"I love you too. I love you too mama. I love both of you and I'm sorry."

"Don't you dare. Come here. Come here baby." Fran said hugging her niece so hard as everyone watched with tears. Stef could feel her heart breaking but parts of it healing so much just from this hug. Just from letting go of all the anger she had toward her aunt and forgiving her. She knew she tried, she knew she did as she felt Debbie hug her as well and she didn't want to pull away from either of  them. Ever again. For Fran her heart was feeling so complete for the last 30 years it had been so broken and empty for this little girl. No one could fill it or replace it and despite Stef being 40 in Fran's eyes she was still that little girl that would ride on her back and chase her around the house. She was still that little girl with the squeaky voice and wide intense hazel eyes that soaked in everything. She was still that little girl with the most sensitive heart that never wanted to leave her side.

Lena could only hold both kids as she watched her girlfriend shed so much pain. Pain she had been carrying for so long  that it destroyed so much of her. No one in her eyes should have to feel that much pain and she could only hope this would continue to heal Stef. She needed Fran and Debbie so much in her life and she always had. Just like she needed Frankie, Jude, Callie and herself. This however was the missing puzzle piece and Callie would be the complete puzzle. Feeling Frankie pull away she walked to her mother hugging her from behind for every time she saw Stef cry she needed to comfort her. It was just how she was as Stef grabbed her hand knowing it was her. 

"Let's say we get out of here." Fran said as she whipped Stef's tears and the younger blonde nodded her head.

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