Finding Home (The Affair Series Book 3)

What Do You Want?

STEF POV

It had been one hell of a night for my first night home after getting that letter from my Aunt Fran informing me that her and Debbie were very much still alive and living in California. There really were no words to express to anyone how I felt or was feeling about it for what could I say? What could anyone really say  and after all the therapy I had gotten and my month long stay in rehab I was trying to remember every single coping mechanism I could think of. No way would I fall over this, yes it was upsetting and my initial response was not the best based on the wreck I made in my kitchen knowing my kids saw it but I had gotten it out and was feeling ok. For the most part. How though? How could 30 years go by and how could Sharon get away with it. Yes my aunt claimed she looked for me but wasn't able to find me. She was a cop, couldn't she find anyone or maybe I was being unfair since we moved around almost every week. None of this shit made sense to me. None of it as I sat with Lena at my table and she once again being the most supportive person ever when she really could have left me months ago.

"Stef what I don't get is why she would lie to you about this. I don't understand that."

"Why wouldn't she Lena. That was my mother, good ol Sharon. Lied about any and everything. Honestly I don't even know why I'm so dam surprised. I really shouldn't be." Shaking my head and lighting my one cigarette a day she let out her own sigh as the letter laid on the table one we had read over and over.  

"Ok let's put her to the side right now. I mean what do you want to do? Regardless of what Sharon did which was very wrong, I mean would you like to contact your aunt?"

"I have no idea. I mean what in the hell would I even say."

"Well she left her number, email and address and she doesn't live very far. Do you want me to go with you to see her baby?" Letting the pet name slip I could only smile softly at her as I put my head down unsure of what I wanted to do. I just didn't know how I would feel seeing her or what kind of shit it would bring up. Yes I learned I needed to face this head on and Rita said my past was something I needed to confront. Sure it was and that road trip was still in the back of my head but I had yet to bring it up with Lena or my kids. 

"Stef I know it's not easy. I know none of this is easy and I know you are trying and healing, but baby maybe this is apart of the healing process.  Maybe this is something you need to really deal with your past. From the little bit you told me of her, you really loved her. And it seems she really loved and loves you."

"She was a cop Lena.  Why couldn't she find me? I mean she said she looked but, ...I don't know."

"Listen. We don't know what was really going on. And if we want to find out and get any answers you may need to ask her."

"God my head is so fucked." I said running my fingers through my hair and puffing on my cigarette.

"I know but like everything else you will handle this and get through it. Just like everything else you have. You are strong and you have support. Me and your kids Stef." Gently rubbing the top of my hand I looked to her soft face as my fingers intertwined with hers. Where in the fuck did this woman come from and why was she so patient, why did she still care so much? Why?

"Thank you Lena. I don't know how the hell I'll ever repay you for all you have done for me and for my babies. Speaking of babies I probably scared the shit out of them."

"They are ok. Frankie took Jude to get bagels. She should be back soon and she understood. She did Stef, and you don't need to repay me. Just keep getting better."

"I will love. I will."

With our hands still locked together we soon heard the door open seeing Frankie and Jude come in and I couldn't help but feel partly embarrassed.

"We got food!" Jude said smiling at me as Frankie followed behind locking up as her eyes went right to me and I put my cigarette in the ashtray. God did I feel terrible that she had to see me that way I really did for I was trying so hard to have a good relationship with her even if I felt we did have one.

"We got poppyseed Mama do you want me to get it for you? How are you feeling?" She asked standing beside me .

"I'm fine sweetheart and sure you can make it for me."

"Ok.  You sure you're ok?"

"I promise." Winking at her she looked so hesitant at me as I grabbed her hand and kissed it.  "I promise I'm good my love. I swear to you."

"Ok.Lena do you want anything?"

"I'm fine honey."

"Ok."

"Mom do you want coffee? I'm really good at making it." Jude said as I could only smile back at him and glanced at Lena again who was smiling as well.

"Oh yeah? Should we get you a job at Starbucks?"

"Sure!" He grinned as I watched the two prepare breakfast as sweet as they were.

"You don't need to decide today you know? Maybe just take time to enjoy being out of rehab and getting back into life. One step at time." Lena whispered.

"That sounds like a good idea. Can you umm...

"Stay?"

"I mean only if...

"Of course. I'd love to."

"Thank you." I said as Lena smiled once again at me and Frankie handed me my bagel. Sitting around the table with my family we laughed and joked just like last night and I couldn't help but enjoy their company. No one brought up last night  and it seemed as if my kids did really get it to some degree. They really did and they were the most understanding children I could ask for. However, I needed to talk to them and be open and honest about my past and all that it encompassed for it involved them as well.

"So babies I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare either of you last night."

"It's ok Mom." Jude said as I took a sip of my coffee as my eyes looked between him and Frankie. "Is everything ok?"

"Yeah um it is love. Listen babies I just want to be honest with you both. Part of my, well part of my therapy is dealing with my childhood and I got a letter from a very important person in my life."

"Who?" Frankie asked.

"Well my Aunt Fran who my mother told me died 30 years go. Turns out she didn't but she took care of me when I was little."

"Your mother lied?" Jude asked.

"Yeah babe."

"Why? That's mean I don't get it." Frankie said. "What kind of person was she mama?"

Looking to her and then back to Lena I let out a sigh as I put my coffee mug down.

"Well I can start at the beginning if you wish to hear loves."

Nodding their heads I dove into my past the best I could never thinking I would with them ever. But it was needed for my kids needed to understand where I came from and so did Lena.

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Stef is trying so hard