Finding Home (The Affair Series Book 3)

Morning Reflection

NOTE: I highly advise you to read the first two books, The Affair, and ,The Sweetest Devotion, before you read this one.

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STEF POV

As I awoke another morning to have my coffee before the grilling day began I couldn't believe how amazing I felt and had been feeling. For starters I could certainly breathe much better as I was down to one cigarette a day hoping to kick this damm habit once and for all,  the alcohol withdrawals and shakes had subsided and my mind was not so discombobulated for the first time in my life. Things had certainly changed in the last three weeks for the better as I walked onto the  patio of the rehab facility feeling the warm morning air shine on my face and shoulders.

Coming to terms with the fact that I needed more help to get my mind well had not been easy. Not at all and there was only so far that denial would go. My mind had tried to block out that I was slipping back into my old ways but Sharon dying had been the icing on the cake. It had been because I knew I needed to face that I could sink lower and lower if I allowed myself and I just couldn't do that again to myself or my kids. Or Lena. There were always patterns in my behavior that tended to sneak up on me and before I knew it I was down a rabbit hole again trying to dig myself out. This time before I fully fell in I sucked up my pride, I sucked up my stubborness and took the plunge. 

To me the hardest part of being in rehab, among other things was not seeing my kids everyday. Judes' sweet smile filled my mind and I could only laugh at missing how he scolded me on cursing so much and forcing me to put a quarter into the swear jar each time. Sure it was one of my vices but I just missed the daily interactions with him as well and hearing him grumble about redoing his homework that he sometimes rushed through in the sloppiest way. I would often just shake my head at him ordering him to redo it in the harshest of tones. A few moments later after he calmed down from being irritated with me  he would smile wide at me soon going on and on about his day and the many trials and tribulations of middle school which I loved hearing about. Soon after he would divert the conversation to me wanting to know how my days was and  in typical Jude fashion he listened with an open ear no matter how vague I was. My day in his mind was just as important as his.

Frankie, that was something else altogether for there was no way to describe how much I missed my sweet girl. Even if we had just started to get to know one another I did realize it was her who was watering my drinks and dumping my cigarettes. That alone made me feel ashamed for it wasn't right that I led her to do that. Not at all and I felt so terrible, guilty and bad for it.  I didn't want her to see that side of me but I guess it had been unavoidable considering all the shit that had been going on and my reckless way of dealing with it. Regardless she never brought it up and I missed every part of the relationship we had just started to form. Mornings were my favorite with her for she woke up just as early as me to have morning coffee and it gave us time to chat and talk. She shared many things about her childhood, her parents, and her fears.  In the beginning I could sense it was difficult for her to share certain things with me but I only reassured her that it was ok. That I wanted to know everything about her life and as the days went on she grew more comfortable. Never did I want her to feel bad for the life she led or the fact that she loved her parents. Ever. She deserved the love they had given her and she deserved to keep talking about them and I made sure of that each and every day. Frankie was such a sweet girl and many nights we stayed up late watching horror movies and ordering chinese on Friday nights. However, she never lasted and nor did I as I would wake up with her head passed out in my lap and Jude passed out on my arm. It was nights like that and days I would visit her on my lunch break at the diner where I would sit and read the paper that made me wonder how I ever went along without her in my life.

Callie. I had spoken to her a few times and we had therapy once a week but it was just as difficult as always. My babygirl, it was one of the sorest spots inside of me often leading me to want to grab anything to drink just to ease the pain I felt from it. But I didn't and was learning how to replace the bottle with something more productive and something either then numbing my feelings from a relationship that was going to take time to heal. With Diane gone it was hard to say or even read Callie in terms  of how much that affected her or not.  I had spoken to Di a couple of times through text and she said she was still in contact with Callie but my daughter rarely spoke to her or wrote her emails back. Rita had tried to ease me with her words each time we had a session. She said just like me Callie needed to heal, and she was learning about forgiveness, and that hopefully she would smarten up and follow the path of going to school and becoming a Veterinarian like Frankie. Right now the odds were there and it was really up to Callie now in terms of what she wanted to do.  She had my support she had the support  of many people even Robert but she refused to take it. I could really only hope that would change and that she would see we all loved her that we all loved her more than words could ever describe. Callie was my baby, my joy, and yes I had fucked that up royally but I had always loved her and I kicked myself for not showing it in the way she needed. Much like my own mother I guess as I was still trying to wrap my brain around what she told me.

Taking a sip of my coffee my mind wandered to the one person that continued to be in my life and had never left. Lena. Jesus that woman was a saint and god was I in love with her.  I really was and I could never thank her enough for looking over Frankie and Jude so that I could do what was necessary to get well. Trusting her completely I gave her my bank cards, my checkbook, access  to my accounts, and all decisions that needed to be made in terms of Jude while I was in here. By the mere grace of god Lena had her foster care license which allowed her to have Jude in her care in the first place until I returned. She said she applied for it after she returned back to Sacramento when we broke up and I thanked my lucky stars. Fuck, I would often curse at myself for how badly I handled that relationship and how poorly I treated her. But she told me it was water under the bridge and we would address it when needed. To me she was right and at this moment we had no plans on rekindling our romance, well not right now anyway for I wanted better for her. I really did even if I loved her so deeply and each time she visited me here I knew my love was growing in a healthier way then it ever had. She was so damm beautiful, she was so intelligent, she was so amazing, as I felt her hand gently rub mine and allow our fingers to intertwine for a few moments during those visits and every part of me wanted to kiss her. Part of me always wanted to kiss her as I wondered how I could repay her for all she was doing and had done for me. I was learning thankfully, I was learning that having a healthy romantic relationship would take time but it was not impossible even for me.

With one week left in rehab I still had a good amount of work to do and that was ok for I had really given it my all for the first time ever. To many things were riding on this including my kids, Lena, my job and myself.  Group was beneficial especially since I actively participated, therapy was as well no matter how dam painful it was as we dug more and more into my past, and I had even made a few friends. Usually it was typical of me to hide out and not speak to anyone but this time I chose not to do that. My life was too short and I wanted to live the rest of it happy and well no matter what.

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Stef is on her way and I think she may actually stick with it this time! I hope so! :)