Finding Home (The Affair Series Book 3)

Where She Went Wrong

Morning had finally arrived as Frankie and Jude woke up to see Stef and Lena passed out closely together. They could only smile as the two headed to the early breakfast letting the women sleep. 

It was safe to say that Stef was pretty exhausted as she felt Lena snuggle into her neck like always. After her talk with her aunt Fran she had climbed into bed with her girlfriend and held her so close. She needed to feel Lena, she wanted to be intimate with her but with the kids in the room that wasn't possible. They would wait, and when it did happen again it would be just as special as it had been in Nevada. 

Feeling Lena so close to her the blonde wanted to tell her what happened on the phone with her aunt, how she cried her eyes out, and how she had so many memories of Callie and herself growing up. Infact she had almost called Callie but it had been far too late and she was thinking of ringing her in the afternoon. But what were the odds that the girl would talk to her, would even pick up or listen to her. Slim to nothing and in a few months she would be moving to Boston with the woman she always saw as her mother, Diane. Did that still rip Stef apart, did it still make her want to cry buckets. Of course it did because it was a constant reminder of how much she had failed Callie. She had failed her horribly maybe in the same way that Sharon failed her.  Maybe. But there was still hope for Jude only because he had been so young, and there was still hope for Frankie because Stef didn't raise her as as a kid. Was there still hope for Callie? Even a tiny bit? No one knew. No one knew at all as she tried to go back in her brain to the point or moment in life when she lost Callie. To when the girl stopped liking her, started hating her and no longer wanted to hug or touch her. To where she no longer considered her to be her mother and started to call her Stef. When? Was it when she was just 10 years old?

FLASHBACK

"Aww my sweet babies. Mama missed you so much. Do you know how much I missed the both of you." The blonde said as she hugged 10 year old Callie and 4 year old Jude as they visited her at Women's United.  It had been almost a year since she had seen her kids and they had grown. Grown so much in that time and she had missed them more than life itself. "How are you both mm? You both ok? You got my letters, yes Callie?" Kissing the young girls face she could see her expression  was one of anger while Jude hugged his mother like crazy. Stef knew her daughter had every right to be angry with her. 

"Don't touch him or me." Callie spouted off and pulling both her and her brother away as they sat on the soft chairs.

"I know you are angry with me baby. I know it."

"I'm not. I don't care. Just don't hug Jude too hard. He's little and you might hurt him."

"Hurt him? I won't hurt him babygirl."

"You did once already. You might again because you weren't paying attention. I need to watch him and make sure he is ok since you can't."

Letting out a sigh the blonde took a seat beside both her kids as the social worker remained in the room. It was frustrating to say the least that she still had to have supervised visits because they thought she would harm her kids. But she wouldn't and poisoning Jude had been the worst accident of her life.  Along with escaping to Nevada for a year  and not seeing her kids. It wasn't that she didn't want to but she had been so ashamed. Ashamed of everything she had done to them including the breakup with Diane and tearing their family apart. That guilt alone was killing her daily as she was trying so hard to fight her addictions.

"Sweets I'm sorry for what happened with your little brother. I'm so sorry sweetheart and there is no excuse. None and...

"You left! You said you were coming back and you left us! You didn't care!"

"No baby that's not true I did care! I do care. Mama just....

"You're not my mama. You're not Jude's mama. You're nobody and I never want to see you again. Ever. I hate you and I always will!" Grabbing her little brother as he cried Stef was so shocked by her little girls words she had no idea what to say. None.

"Hey! You don't say that to me! NEver and you don't pull your brother away from me! I'm your mama no matter what or how you feel and I always will be! "

"Mama's don't leave! And you never took care of me anyway. Mommy did and you let her leave too! You mess everything up Stef! Everything!!"

"I am not Stef to you and you watch your damm mouth with me! You watch it before I smack you across the face!!"

With that the social worker took the kids out the room as Jude screamed his head off for the blonde. She tried to diffuse the situation as best she could. However it was evident that the blonde wasn't ready and wouldn't gain custody back of her kids for years.

FLASHBACK ENDS

There had been many visits like that and some that weren't so bad. However most were and Stef could only think if she had not gone to Nevada to her mother's that Callie might have been ok. Or that if she had no poisoned her son or been the person she was.

"Baby you ok? You alright?" She suddenly heard Lena and not realizing she had been crying in her sleep. "Stef baby?"

"What? What baby?"

"Are you ok? You were crying and saying Callie's name. You ok baby?" Lena could only look concerned as she gently stroked the blonde's face as Stef sat up a bit and rested her back on the headboard. Running her hand through her blond hair she glanced to her girlfriend again not even realizing she had been dreaming.

"Yeah. Yeah I'm ok. Guess I had a bad dream."

"About Callie?"

"Yeah. I'm ok it was nothing."

"MM you sure? You sounded very upset sweetheart." Lena said gently rubbing her arm and holding her hand. 

"I um, I had a rough night. Not horrible but I didn't want to wake you baby."

"You could have. You know I would have held you or talked to you."

"I know love but I um I needed to be alone and think with my thoughts. You know?"

"Of course. That's understandable. Did you come to any conclusions?"

"Yeah I um, I called my aunt and asked her to meet us in Michigan." The blonde said instantly looking at Lena who smiled wide at her. "I mean is that ok with you?"

"Baby you have no idea how happy that makes me. You really need her. Infact you really need each other. And I think you should call Callie. Even if she doesn't answer, even if she doesn't pick up call her baby. See what happens."

"I fucked that up too much baby. I mean how could I leave her for a year like that. How? I mean I was only allowed supervised visits but I was so ashamed of the mother I had been that I left. I escaped and she, she hated me for that. She still does. That's when I really lost her Lena.  That's where I broke her heart. And I don't know how to mend it. I don't." With tears falling down her face Lena hugged her warmly holding her close. She knew Stef had been a mess back then she was well aware and there was no easy way to say it. Maybe her leaving had messed things up with Callie, maybe it had been a mistake but how could they really fix it now? What could they really do to mend it and what would it really take. Truth was if the blonde was as persistent as Fran maybe it wouldn't take that much longer. Or would it?