Finding Home (The Affair Series Book 3)

Maybe One Day

STEF POV

There was no love like the love I had for my kids. Nothing could ever match that despite how horrible of a mother I had been for most of Callie and Jude's lives which I regretted.  Now however and for the past year I had been on a good path writing every wrong I made in terms of them and making it right. 

My son as always had been forgiving of my actions because that was just in his nature and partly because had not seen so much of my shitty ways. My daughter on the other hand was one of the biggest challenges in my life. Even more then getting over my relationship with Diane and overcoming Sharon's abuse along with substance abuse. Truthly if my babygirl and I were ever going to have some sort of relationship I either had to give her space or try to push her even more which never resulted in a good thing. Like me you couldn't push Callie, never could really for she was probably the most bullheaded and stubborn out of all three of my kids. Maybe just as much as me or more if that was possible. At times it served her well other times not so much but thinking back she had been a sweet little girl who just wanted me around more. I wish I had been around for her and not left her for I just don't know what I was even thinking then or in reality I was only thinking of myself. Sadly maybe that was true no matter how much I didn't want it to be.

Seeing both my daughter and son come down the block I knew she didn't want to see me. Everyone knew that but I had too and came straight from work hoping she would talk to me even for a minute. Her appearance was mildly different and was once again it felt like I was looking in a mirror for I could see so much of my old self in her that it was rather scary. Even down to her cut off shorts and long hair she reminded me of myself.  Smiling at the two of them I was so happy her and my son were close and they always had been but I knew it was for more then one reason as she caught my eyes and glared at me. Letting a soft smile form on my face again Callie failed to return it as Jude happily ran to me.

"Mom! Mom! We had an awesome time!" Hugging me I ruffled his hair  and kissed his forehead.

"Oh yeah? I'm sure you did baby boy."

"We did. We had tacos and went to the beach and stuff. It was awesome."

"Well I'm so glad you had a good time baby. I really am." Smiling at him again he grinned at me as I couldn't help but look to my daughter who stood awkwardly  in front of us. "Hey Cal. How you doing baby girl?" Ignoring me and rolling her eyes she took a seat  on the patio chair as my son's face grew sad.

"Jude you got so tall." Rita said breaking the ice." How about you and I go inside and have some iced tea. Just made some."

"Is it ok mom?"

"Sure baby go on so I can talk to your sister a bit."

"Ok sure." Smiling at my son he walked into the home with Rita as my daughter took a seat avoiding my eyes. Sure I knew this wasn't going to be easy as I took a seat beside her but not too close.  Watching her run her fingers through her long hair she soon pulled out a cigarette  and lit it as if I wasn't even there and as if she didn't give a shit. Which I knew she didn't.

"Ya know for someone that doesn't want to be like me you surely are." I joked as she looked right into my eyes. As usual if looks could kill her eyes would definitely kill me. "I'm just joking with you love, but seriously it's a pretty shitty habit. I told you that before."

"And? You and mom smoked forever."

"Yeah we did but we stopped, started, stopped. It's not easy to quit especially the longer you do it. I just want you to be healthy and to quit earlier then me and Diane did. That's all Cal."

"Yeah well I promised Jude I'd say bye so I'm saying bye." Getting up from her seat I gently grabbed her hand as she pulled away looking even more irritated at me. "Don't touch me."

"Ok  I'm sorry. I just want to talk to you."

"About what Stef?" Everytime she called me that it made me insane and often made me want to smack the shit out of her.

"Well because if this is the last time I'm ever going to see you in life I just want to tell you a few things. Please love. Just two minutes."

Letting out a sigh she took her seat back rather far away from me as her cigarette smoking was driving me up a wall and I just wanted to fucking snatch it from her. However, we needed to talk even if it was just for a minute and I'd address her nasty habit another time.

"Listen, I  want you to do well in Boston Cal. I want you to go to school, work, find your passion, but most of all I want you to find happiness. I know I never showed that to you or if I did it wasn't very long but that's all I want for you baby. That's all I ever wanted and I'm sorry your life was so hard with me. I'm sorry I didn't give you what you needed, I'm sorry I didn't hug you enough and spend more time with you and I'm sorry I made you feel like I didn't love you. Yeah I was a shitty mother to you and I'm sorry I broke up the family. I know Diane can and always has understood you and given you what I didn't and I am glad you have her. Maybe that's the one thing I did right. Having her in our lives."

Glancing to her Callie's eyes remained on the ground as I continued trying not to let my emotions take over.

 "Sure I know you want to change your last name and it definitely makes me sad. But you will always be my daughter Callie. My baby and I will always love you. And yes the day I gave birth to you was one of the happiest days of my life. It really was honey and I know you don't believe me. Maybe one day you and I can talk or meet halfway but until then I hope you find that happiness you deserve. I won't bother you, I will give you your space, freedom just mind Diane. But you always have. Maybe once in a while you can tell me  you know if you went to school and what for. I'd love to know anything babe. But um, I love you Cal more then life and I'm sorry I wasn't the mother you needed and that I hurt you so much. One day I hope you forgive me honey." 

Feeling my voice crack and my throat burn the silence between us grew as my daughter said nothing. Not that I expected her to as I heard her sniffles at least what I thought to be as tears ran down my cheeks. Ones I had been trying so hard to keep in for I wasn't sure when I would ever see my little girl again. I wasn't and it hurt so much that I didn't know how to feel about it or what to do. All I knew was i had to let her to in some respects and let her know I was always here when she wanted to come back.

"Just so you know my love anytime you want to visit, stay, talk, see your brother, just call me and it's done. I just want you to know my door is always open baby. Always." Speaking softly to her it was possibly one of the first times she didn't spew hate at me or animosity as she finally looked into my eyes knodding her head. Of course there was no smile but I could see traces of tears on her face as she quickly looked away. With that there was not much more to say as I left with my son hoping one day I'd see my daughter again.

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