Finding Home (The Affair Series Book 3)

Sharon's Confession

Dear Stefanie Marie,

I don't write letters because who would I write too and I won't be mailing this. Or maybe I will. I'm not sure yet. Maybe I will stop by your place if you let me in. Look this probably won't make much fucking sense nothing I said does but here we go.

I wasn't a good mother. No I was a shitty mother to you and I don't know why. Fuck I have no idea and I know I did some bad shit. Can't really explain myself why I hurt you and I knew I was. Sometimes I tried but I don't think I knew how to love you the way you needed. Your Aunt Fran did. She knew and  maybe I should have let you live with her and it was real wrong of me what I did. She didn't die. She didn't but I made that up so you would stop asking about her. Drove me nuts because she was what I wanted to be and I knew I'd never be that. Ever. Right  now I know you hate me even more for that and you always had every right to go on and hate me. If I were you I would too. And I never did right by you and yeah I wish I could take all that shit back, all the times I hit you, stole from you. All those times so many I can't keep track. You didn't deserve it. You deserved better and a better father too. Don't bother with him non. Mitch ain't worth shit and I'll never know why I keep going on back to him. 

But Stefanie Marie even if I never said it, even if never showed it, ever I did love you. I did and it's really bad timing now because I won't be around much longer. Six months maybe or three months they say. You know how doctors are always giving you some shit news and all. Probably bad karma for all the shit I did to you. And I deserve it. I do. But I just want you to know you did mean something to me and I only pray you turn out better then me. But I think you already have. You're just like your Aunt Fran and that's a good thing. So I'm gonna go and not sure if I'll see you again. Just love your kid and don't do the shit I did.

Love,
Mama

It was all Stef could do from losing it as she sat on the steps of the trailer feeling tears fall from her eyes. So Sharon did love her and loved her all this time but had no idea how to show it or express it. So she didn't lie to her in the hospital and apologized for of all of it. Everything and Stef wished she could tell her mother she forgave her or was trying to even if it would take a good amount of time. Shit, if anything was hard it was this as she reread the letter about ten times hoping to find more meaning, hoping to find another missing piece of her life and hoping to let it sink in. But would it? And would it make the rest of this trip and the rest of their time in Nevada any easier? Would she grow to understand her mother more and her choices or was it something she just had to accept. Or would she need to ask her aunt Fran what their life had been like to really understand Sharon and her ways for it was something she never knew about. She knew her how her own mother grew up. 

What Stef did know was that Rita was right. She needed this trip as she got up and walked down the familiar dirt path that her and Diane had walked down a million times. Sometimes running from Diane's father, sometimes chasing each other, sometimes running from Sharon, or running to their secret place. It had seemed so big to them back then and now it was tiny in her eyes. Very small as she soon looked to Diane's trailer with a pang in her heart seeing that it was boarded up with no signs of life anywhere. None. Stef herself had only been inside a handful of times when Diane's aunt was alive and they would watch TV, listen to music and play board games.  That was about all unless you counted the times she climbed the side of the trailer into Diane's room where she would sometimes sleep if Sharon was in a mood. 

Standing outside that trailer those memories were just as painful as any as this was the place she found love and experienced love for the first time.  Even if that relationship never stood a chance Stef didn't regret it. She didn't regret any of the time Diane and her spent together and she didn't regret the love they had. Maybe now it was different love then what it originally had started out as but it was there and always would be. However painful it had been to put it behind her she needed to in order to move on, in order to heal and in order to let Diane live the life she deserved. Sure she would always feel bad about how poorly she treated her in Sacramento and had apologized numerous times but she couldn't take it back. None of it as visions of their lives here filled her brain, some she had forgotten others she remembered as clear as day as she made her way down to their little hideout and took a seat on a rock.

This place in someway had molded Stef more then any other place Sharon had moved her to and there was no way she could go on without accepting where she came from and who she was. She was embarrassed to say the least that Lena and her kids saw were she lived and what conditions she lived in but she couldn't hide it. None of it and by seeing it Lena herself was understanding Stef even more. Maybe she would never fully understand what she had went through but if the blonde continued to talk to her and share more about her life while on this trip she could. And if she could their relationship would grow even deeper than it was.

The thing was Stef wanted a deeper relationship with Lena and refused to fuck her. They had fucked enough and she wanted to build that foundation that she never knew how to build with Diane. Or if she did it wasn't a very good one. She wanted trust, she wanted love, commitment and she wanted the good and bad. She didn't want to run when they had problems or run from herself or hurt Lena like she had. She didn't want to keep secrets like she learned to her entire life. Much like Frankie who she was trying so desperately to get to understand she could open up. Stef could only hope she would  but knew it would take time and she only had herself to blame for Frankie was just like her. Exactly. Infact if she thought about it most of her kids were like her in some way which was why she understood them to the degree that she did. Even Callie no matter how much the girl hated her was just like her as well. Jude was the least stubborn out of all of them but still held many of his mother's traits. 

Right now as she took in her past, one she tried so hard to run from and forget it only added to the newness she was feeling inside of herself. The anxiety was prevalent in many ways, so was the fear, the worry and pain but she was dealing with it. She was as she took out of her phone and snapped a few pictures of this special place her and Diane shared.  Maybe it had only been a few rocks and a bunch of weeds but it meant something to them and always would.

What she would do with everything she was remembering remained to be a mystery. All of it did as she could hear her own laugher as well as Diane's while they ran and chased each other through the park. There were good times despite most of their lives being filled with hurt and abuse and they tried to shield each other from that. Even if they were unsuccessful there were times when they were not and those stood out the most.

"There you are." Stef soon heard as she turned around to see Lena walking over and taking a seat on the rock beside her.

"Sorry. Was just taking a walk."

"That's ok. I was just concerned since you found that letter. Everything ok?"

"Yeah babe. Just thinking ya know." She said turning to look at the slim woman who let out a soft smile.

"Yes. I'm sure you are love. About what? MM?" She asked gently rubbing her back.

"Well this was our little place. Diane and I. We use to hide here and talk here. Was our safe space so to say."

"I'm sure you needed it baby." 

"We did at times. And it feels a little weird being here but it's, it's ok."

"Do you want to go or do you want to sit here a bit? I don't mind I mean would you want to tell me a few stories. Up to you?"

"Yeah?" The blonde asked surprised.

"Yes baby. Please. Tell me about your life here. Tell me what happened to you both. I want to know my love."

Softly smiling at the slim woman Stef slid her hands inside Lena's as she let out a sigh handing her the letter.

"Ok but I think you should read this first."

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Oh Sharon and Lena loves Stef so damm much.