Finding Home (The Affair Series Book 3)

A Must

As Fran walked outside she saw her niece sitting on one of the egg crates near the front of the trailer.  It was the same posture she had as a little girl when she was upset, frustrated and unsure of how to feel or what to do. Yes maybe Fran only new 9 year old Stef but the core of her had not changed. Not one bit. She could very well see she struggled with anger much like she did as a kid, extreme stubbornness and hints of self confidence issues. But deep inside she saw the pain of the years she missed with her and the heartbreak as a result of being told she was dead. How could Fran reach her? How could she reach her heart even just a tiny bit when Stef was not willing to share it based on fear, and anger. Disappointment. In Fran's eyes if Stef could only see how much she beat herself up over never finding her. How much she punished herself and almost lost everything because of her own problems with drinking. How could she tell Stef she wasn't perfect, and that she had her own secrets. How? But she would try and she would try to tell her little girl over and over that her mistakes didn't define her and that she loved her no matter what. No matter what at all.

Walking over to the younger blonde and pulling up her own egg crate Stef let out a sigh for she didn't realize how persistent her aunt really was. What did she want from her? Why did she keep pushing? Didn't she get it? Didn't she get that she didn't want to be bothered? That she was trying her best but just had no interest. Or did she? Maybe she did and if she really thought about it she did remember how much she loved her aunt and the happy time she had given her in her life. But she was angry,  she was furious that Sharon robbed her of that relationship. The only one she wanted as a kid.

"I know you don't want to talk to me baby but we have to. You and I have to talk. Even if it won't be all that good."

"I spoke to you. What more do you want from me?" The younger blonde said still not making any eye contact with Fran.

"What I want is for you to talk to me. Really talk to me. Tell me how angry you are, disappointed and hurt. Tell me baby how you really feel."

"I feel nothing toward you ok. Nothing."

"I doubt that very much. You were always someone who..

"Would you stop telling me what I am? Or what I was. Will you stop acting like you  know me." Getting up from her seat Stef crossed her arms completely frustrated.

"You are right. I don't know you Stef. I did but I don't know the adult you. But how can I make it or how can we make it so that I can know you. That is if you want me to know."

"It doesn't make a difference to me. You  keep pushing along and showing up. Now you show up all over and it's really easy for you to find me now. Now when I don't need you and when I'm capable of taking care of myself. When I'm in my 40's."

"You don't believe me that I looked for you."

"Maybe you did. Or maybe you didn't try hard enough. I could see if you weren't a cop. But you were. Me being a cop now I could find anyone I wanted. If I wanted to. So that only makes me more angry."

"Stef, I couldn't find you baby. I had access to everything. Private detectives everything. And we looked and they looked. We would get leads and I'd show up and you would be gone. Each house had something of yours that I kept. A doll, maybe a photo, drawings. I saw the drawings you left in West Virginia you made of me and Debbie. I saw them and I still have them. Being so close every time and missing it everytime was the worst feeling in the world. I defied the restraining order Sharon put on me and Deb. We didn't care we just wanted you back and safe and ok. I would have lost everything if I just took you and I didn't care. We were willing to take that risk. Because we loved you. My sister was very smart honey. She knew how to escape the police she knew how to live off the grid. But I stayed in that house in Michigan just in case you ever found your way back. Listen, I know you are in pain. I know what kind of life Sharon provided for you. I read your file."

"What?" Stef asking looking up and embarrassed.

"I read your file and you seem to think that will change how I feel about you. Honey I will tell you I was in no way an angel either and I had my share of demons too baby. No I'm not disappointed in you or the person you became. Life happens honey and we try as hard as we can. Some of us make it and some of us don't. You made it.  You made it and I have seen a little bit of how you are with your children and it's beautiful. Your daughter in there loves you I can tell by the way she looks at you and how she wants to be a cop like you. Your son loves you too and I know I don't know your middle daughter but I'm sure underneath all her hurt and anger toward you she loves you too. None of those things you did or mistake define the person you are Stef. I've hurt Debbie too. Many, many times and she almost left me a few times. But you need to know that you aren't Sharon. Never was and you are not the opposite of what I taught you. You are very much what I taught you."

"Honey, you have every right to be pissed at me honey. That it took me until you were in your 40's to find you. Or my sister dying. I can't imagine how horrible you must have felt when she told you that Debbie and I died. I can't even imagine baby."

By this time Stef was no able to control her tears which she didn't want Fran to see. But they were so hard to hide as Fran wiped her own tears that continued to fall over and over.

"How long did you live here?"

"Um seven years."

"Longest place?"

"Yeah. Got use to it I guess. Wasn't the worst and wasn't the best." SHe said dragging her feet on the sand like she use to as a kid.

"What can I do honey. What would you like me to do? Do you want me to leave you alone? Because I don't know if I can."

"I didn't even realize when me and my girlfriend bailed out of here to Sacramento that I would end up a cop. When I saw the flyer I didn't even remember. Before that were were living in a roach infested motel and working at a dinner. Then I applied when I was 18 and I forgot. I pushed you so far out of my brain, out of my world and mind so that I could function. I thought maybe you were watching me and at some points I was hoping you weren't because of the shit I was doing. Few times I thought of hitching a ride to Michigan to visit your grave or something. I couldn't remember the phone number or the address to save my life. My mother made sure of that. I got so use to you not being in my life that I don't know anything else." Sitting on the back bumper of her car it wasn't an easy conversation for either woman as the family inside gave them the much needed time to speak for however long it took. It was going to a be a process and it would take a long time for Stef to open herself to her aunt. 

"I understand that. I do and I will respect the choice you make or whatever choice you make honey. You and I are a process if there is a you and I. Maybe one day there will be and I will wait. I will never give up on you, I will always love you, support you, and be there if you want me to be. I know you can take care of yourself you always have even when you were far too young. But I hope I can find a place in your heart again. I know we can't change your past but we can heal and make a future. Only if you wish because I know I do. I'd love to get to know Lena and your kids and you of course because you are still my little girl Stef."

Once again the tears fell from the younger blonde's eyes as silence soon took over the difficult conversation. Thoughts of her struggles with Callie soon took over Stef's mind as she realized she was just as stubborn and not budging. But it was difficult as she looked back at her aunt who was staring up at the sky that was turning dark. Stef had a million questions she wanted to ask her regardless of her conflicting feelings as Fran caught her eyes and let out a soft smile.

"Why did Debbie almost leave you?"

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This is going to take some time for the both of them. But Stef maybe coming along.