Road Trip - Chapter Twenty-Six

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(I'm back! Can I get some love and encouragement in the form of votes and comments? LOL. Hope you enjoy this chapter!)

[Leo's Point Of View]

I was falling into a deep depression.

When Nathan was out, I stayed in my room and cried away my frustration until I felt numb. Once the numbness wore off, I started from the beginning. I went through my classes and school work while juggling my job in between.

But no matter how hard I worked I was never satisfied. I wasn't happy with what I was doing and it was finally getting to be too much.

Before the job I had now, I used to do a lot of internships. It lasted three years. What killed me was that it might have been for nothing. My dreams since I was little were never clear. I wanted to do everything and be everything. But how do you accomplish that? How do you even think that without tearing yourself apart?

For a while I wanted to be a psychiatrist. I gave up that dream when I realized how much it took. I started off doing that and even did some internships at a clinic, but ultimately I chickened out. I settled on becoming a guidance counselor. I wanted to work with teenagers like me, especially LGBT students who needed the extra care and attention. Then I started doubting it, feeling like I'd be unhappy. Now here I was, crying on my bed, struggling to find myself and where I belonged in the world. If only he stopped referring to himself in third person and started doing something with his life.

And I wasn't even finished. The last time I saw Derek was a month ago. Life passed by fast when you were busy stressing over every single thing. I missed him so much that a few of my tears were because of him.

Ever since we stopped seeing each other every weekend, my life just got worse. First I have my unresolved feelings with Nathan and I couldn't put too much thought into why I felt the way I did because school was overwhelmingly taking over my life. I didn't have a single moment where I could just sit and think about things.

Except now, but I wanted to use that time to cry.

It was risky crying so openly when Nathan could walk in any moment. No one even suspected I was having a miserable time. I hid my feelings really well when I needed to. Maybe I should become an actor.

Oh, great, here came the tears.

Why was it so hard to know what you wanted in your life? I had a huge privilege that not many people had. I was crying because there were too many options and I couldn't decide? But should I make myself feel even worse because I felt like my own struggles were lesser than most people and I didn't deserve the right to complain?

That was a good thought. It also made me cry. But crying made me feel the pain and I realized that my pain was valid.

It was okay not to be okay. It was okay . . .

I heard my phone ring but I was too busy hiding in the corner of my bed, covered in so many blankets and pillows that I was surprised how I even got any oxygen. The phone didn't stop ringing so it must be someone important.

With a single hand, I reached out through my fortress and picked my phone from the nightstand Nathan and I shared. It was Derek calling.

I accepted the call and said nothing.

"Hey, beautiful."

I started crying again.

"I miss you," I sobbed.

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