When all our friends are dead and just a memory ( Bastille Fanfic)

Part 64-I wish I was dead

Catherines Point of view

The next three days after the breakup were pretty normal. I hardly told anyone I had broken up with Dan only close friends and family. They all seemed to be devastated for me.

I know that might not be what you wanted to hear.

Maybe you wanted to hear I had a change of heart and jumped on a plane and followed Dan to America where I found him and we patched things up. Then everything went to back to normal and we lived happily ever after with our 2 children. 

Well you won't be hearing that. This is real life so wake the fuck up. 

I haven't heard a peep from Dan since I last saw him. I have spoken to all the other guys who all told me that Dan misses me and keeps fucking up words at gigs because he can't concentrate. All he talks about is me and how it was his fault. Damn fucking right it was his fault. So really what i'm trying to say is he got on with his life and I got on with mine. 

After I had finished work that night I got home at 8. It would have been 7 but I went for a walk and ended up sitting on a bench in the park for a while drinking some recently bought vodka. I could feel my life beginning to spiral out of control again and there was nothing I could do to stop it, not like I wanted to. 

After I got home I managed to drift off straight in to a blissful nights sleep.

I woke up at about 1 in the afternoon by a text from Josh asking me to come out tonight. In my current mood any where with alcohol will get me to move.

I felt and looked like shit. I had no energy to go out tonight but the alcohol was calling me. Even though I felt like death warmed up I managed to slip into a black polka-dot play suit and my black dr martens. I put a bit more makeup on than usual to conceal and mask how I actually felt and looked.

The night went by pretty slowly, to be honest it was like watching paint dry. Josh was trying to act like everything was normal and he tried not to mention Dan but on occasions he did slip up but I guess that's alright it's not like I could cut him out of my life just like that. 

We ended up in this weird bar which I think was actually a gay bar since nearly everyone there was a man and I was surrounded by men chewing each others faces off...so yeah I am sure it was a gay bar. At one part of the night the karaoke started. I wanted to die, listening to try hards and shit singers perform Madonna hits, no thank you. 

"Who's next?" A short ginger bloke in shorts and a cardigan stood on stage offering the microphone to people to sing. 

"God why the fuck would anyone want to embarrass themselves like that" I murmured to Josh 

"This girl" He stood up shouting and pointing at me. 

"Sit the fuck down, no I don't want to" I was tugging at his jeans 

"Yeah, she loves to sing" he was still shouting and waving his hands over excitedly. 

"No I fucking don't" I began to slide down in my seat and tried to walk off when the ginger guy grabbed hold of my hand and dragged me towards the stage. 

"Come on love it's only a bit of fun"

"Yeah but I don't know what to sing"

"Er.. do you like Madonna?"

"Not really, I don't think this is really my scene. I think it would be best if I didn't sing"

"Nonsense, sing about err how you feel or something" I took a deep breath and thought about a song that describes how I felt at that moment. One song came to mind and I decided on that. He got up onto the stage and gestured for me to come up with him, hesitantly I did it. "Right guys, this is..." He looked at me

"Catherine but everyone calls me Cat" He gave a quick chuckle

"this is Cat so everyone make her feel welcome" There were loud woops and claps and I think I heard Josh scream 'I love you' The man swiftly left the stage after I told him what song I wanted the backing track to. 

"Er.. hi. So basically I really don't want to do this and my friend made me because he's a fag" At that point I heard a man shout 'we all are love, this is why we're in a gay bar' which made me laugh. "right anyway, I didn't quite know what song to sing and i'm not really into Madonna so sorry to disappoint. But I was told to sing a song about how I feel or something and there's a line in the song that quit describes how I feel. So yeah this is Lana Del Rey Dark paradise" I looked out to the crowd and saw a lot of confused faces, everyone was singing upbeat happy songs until I came along and pissed on their bonfire. 

"All my friends told me I should move on, I'm lying in the ocean singing your song......" I felt myself change as I could feel the audience accept the song and my voice. "Your soul is haunting me and telling me that everything is fine but I wish I was dead". I felt myself become less anxious as I was nearing the end of the song. "I don't want to wake up from this tonight". I let out a sigh of relief as I opened my eyes and people were stood up clapping. I quickly thanked every one and got down and made my way to Josh who looked sad. 

"What's up with you" I poked his cheek 

"You said You were singing a song about how you feel and there's a line in the song that describes how you're feeling right now. The line is 'I wish I was dead' isn't it?" You could here the anger in his voice, I didn't get it why was he angry? It's just how I felt. 

"Yeah it is and if you're gonna be pissy about it i'm off" I grabbed my coat and ran outside. As soon as I got outside I wished I was back inside but there was no going back. The wind teared across the lonely streets of London and I could hear it whipping the fabric of my coat. I wrapped the material around me and ploughed on. 

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The days that followed I completely dropped off the radar....

I woke up to the sunlight slashing through the curtains making my dive back under the sheets looking for comfort in my bed. For the past three days i've been fine, i've been coping and it hadn't been affecting me. But today, today I felt like the world had ended and it was my fault. 

All the 'what ifs' were flying through my mind. What if I tried to talk to Dan, what if I told Dan I loved him, what if I made more effort. It's the what if's that break you and currently they a winning me. 

I don't feel like moving today but i'm hungry. God the painful decisions. I wrapped the thick duvet around me and waddled to the kitchen, I felt like pure shit and it was all my fault. I grabbed a few packets of crisps, a bottle of water and a bottle of vodka. Who cares if it's the morning I need it. 

I poured myself a glass and chucked it down my throat. The burning sensation in my throat eased the pain. One after another I drained the liquid and eventually managed to finish the whole bottle. The fire in my throat became less apparent as the liquid became lower and lower in the bottle. My vision had become blurry and fuzzed. I tried standing up but being drunk and having a duvet wrapped around you isn't a good mix. At least if I fall i've got something to fall onto. 

Fortunatley I made it on to my bed without falling and that's where I stayed for the following days. 

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Waheeyy it's nearing the end 

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Thanks for reading x