Diary Entry - Eundeok Married Life (Baekhera) [COMPLETED]

Us! Me and you!

Soondeok's diary

The move went smoothly yesterday, it feels so nice to return to my bedroom after all this time! It's just as I remembered it! Except for the bed...dad got rid of it because it's too small for both of us...he gave us this expensive bedding for us to sleep on the floor. I know Eun wants to ask for another blanket...but I don't think father will allow it. Mindeok Oraboni's bedroom moved to the one next to mine, so I can go over to his room without having to walk long! He and his wife were happy to see us, I can't believe Oraboni's now a father of 3! I remember the times we used to climb trees together in the backyard. He would help me up and we'll enjoy the view of the capital together on the top branch. Sometimes Bogum will join us as well – we were best friends, all 3 of us. I wish my nephews were here – they're visiting their grandparents in another town now, I think they'll be back soon. Let's just hope Eun will settle in soon and get along well with father. Do I still love him? Yes, dearly, but I think the highest level of love is to let go of your love – for the sake of his happiness. I'm still learning this lesson, it hurts but I'll get over it. Seeing him leading a happy life would be the last mission I have in my fleeting life.

Eun's diary

I've been through a lot these past few days...First, I found out who made that noise...it was Soondeok. I heard it again last night, Soondeok was curled up like a kitten and mumbling something next to me. I put my candle a bit closer to her face and leaned over to listen when I saw she had tears rolling down her face. She was crying in her sleep. From what I've heard, it would seem that she's still remembering the temple incident, that left a scar much deeper than I thought. Come to think of it, she hasn't done much riding ever since we came back. She rarely visits her horse in the stable now, I wonder if it has anything to do with that incident. I patted her on the shoulder to wake her up, I wanted to ask if she's alright, but she closed her eyes again and rolled to her other side. I wanted to comfort her after seeing that, I am, after all, still her husband now. I made a vow, and as long as this marriage is valid, I suppose I should treat her nicely. 

At least I'll treat her like a person and not throw her out like some rubbish as the king had done! Yes, I met him yesterday, he looked real sick, but I don't feel sorry for him, I hate him, his fake smile, his fake greetings...his fake love for me. We didn't chat much, and he didn't even ask about mother. What kind of father is he? I swear, if I ever become a father myself, I'll be the complete opposite of him! I'll play with my kids every day, I'll hug them and kiss them and tell them I love them. I'll smile at them and joke around whenever I want wherever I want. I'll go fishing with them or hike with them or go to the seas with them. 

I saw Haesoo too, she didn't smile at me. I pulled her over and apologized to her after I left the king but she looked coldly at me. I told her about the possible divorce and how I want to marry her after that. She didn't even look at me, she said many useless things like, 'I'm really disappointed in you. I thought you're a loyal man, I guess I was wrong.' All the rage I had towards her came flooding back. I chased after her but then I saw her talking with So hyung, he hugged her too. Has she really fallen for hyung? Then what good will it do even if I do marry her? I'll be like Soondeok, waiting for the love that will never come...is that how my wife's been feeling all this time like what Haesoo had said? I really am sorry...I should've let Haesoo go...Why did I only realize the reality only now? Did I only do that, as what Haesoo said, to make Soondeok angry? Come to think of it, why do I hate her so? Will it be too late for me to mend my ties with Soondeok? Yet I honestly don't see her as my lover...oh gosh! Someone help me! It's like I don't even know myself anymore!