Heal my wounds (hiccstrid)

Chapter 10

Chapter 10: "I'm a freak"

-Sunday-

Last chapter

"A-Astrid?" I spoke my voice shaky and cracking a few times. At the tone of my voice Astrid looked up at me with her eyes furrowed. "What wrong?" She asked urgently her eyes wide. I didn't know what to say but I took in a breath scared that what I say was true, I prayed that I was just seeing things but I knew deep down what I saw was the truth. I let out a breath before speaking up but only in a broken whisper.

"Do you self harm?"
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Astrid POV
-Now-

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

My heart beating fast and my palms sweaty, he can't know he'll be disgusted at the cuts, he will think I'm so ugly and I deserve it all. He will run away grossed out with me. I looked into his eyes not saying a word I could practically see the hatred and uneasiness in his eyes. I could tell he wanted to leave me right here and now, not wanting to be friends with such a mess up.

"I-I" I stuttered out not knowing what to say, I couldn't deny him because I do, I do harm myself to make me feel better take away the pain I feel and I love seeing all the cuts lined up along my arm, I love to see all the ugly marks on my ugly skin. But I didn't want to tell him, because he will leave me just like everyone else does. He will think I'm sick or insane and won't want to be around me when all I want to do is die.

In his eyes he looked like he was about to cry

It's just pity

But he honestly looks concerned

Your seeing thing

You know he might not leave

Of course he will

You don't know that he might help me

Why would he want to help you

My head was right he wouldn't want to help me and he's going to leave anyway so I might as well not lie and tell him that I self harm every time I'm sad, tell him that I'm a mess up I should be dead and that I won't care if he leaves me but in reality I'll go home and cut.

"Yes" I mumbled shamefully as I looked down at my arms with all my cuts on them. Hiccups breathing hitched and I was smart enough to know that this is the part where he comes up with an excuse as to why he has to leave and that we'll talk about this later. I didn't bother to look up when I heard him stand up from his chair.

I tear ran down on cheek as I hugged myself tying to hide my cuts. I knew he would leave me because I'm not worth it, he should be out going to the movies with pretty girls not me a depressed bitch. I flinched when someone wrapped their arms around me. I wiped away the tears to see Hiccup with his arms around me his eyes holding so many words.

"Come with me" Hiccups voice was horse and cracked in the middle making my heart clench. I reluctantly followed behind him as he left some money on the table and gently grasped my hand his thumb rubbed soothing circles on the back of my hand. I was shocked at the way he didn't looked grossed out at my cuts.

We walked the whole way to his car in silence, I casted my gaze downwards in embarrassment as I subconsciously looked at my cuts, why didn't he think they where ugly?. Hiccup opened the door for me as I stepped into the car not saying a word. Hiccup walked around sitting in the other side of the car.

I awkwardly sat there stiff and not know what to say. "Astrid, why do you do it" Hiccups voice spoke up only in a whisper and if I hadn't of been silent I wouldn't of heard him. I let out a sight as I buried my face in my hands taking in a shaky breath. "You'll think I'm a freak" I mumbled sadly as my face was still buried in my hands.

I heard Hiccup sigh. "Astrid your not a freak no matter what I'm here for you, it pains me to see you hurting" Hiccup spoke as he leaned across the consul of the car and gently brought my face out of my hands with his fingers.

I looked Hiccup straight in the eye and decided to tell Hiccup everything well almost everything. "I hate myself, I hate my life, I just hate everything. I'm so ugly and worthless I just need to cut so that I feel better, I'm just always depressed and it's so hard putting on an act everyday saying 'I'm fine' and putting a smile on my face. I just don't understand life anymore, I thought things where starting to get better with having met you I felt happier but now that you know I cut you wont want me and it always goes wrong nothing right in my life and I just wished I didn't have to be here anymore" I spoke as my face looked up as tears welled up in my eyes. I felt some type of relief that I had confessed after all the years of keeping it in.

I heard hiccup take in a quick breath and I knew that I had made the wrong move to tell him, subconsciously my nails scratched at my cuts trying to open them so I could have a release. But then Hiccup quickly pulled my hands away from each other catching onto what I was doing. "I'm sorry Astrid but no matter what I'm going to be here for you and get you past this because you are amazing and I don't want to see you in pain" Hiccups voice came out weakly.

"Well I want to see me in pain" I reluctantly responded without thinking, when I realised what I had said I looked anywhere but Hiccups worried eyes. My mind was telling myself that he didn't really care it's just that he's to nice to leave you there and he'll drop you once you go to school tomorrow.

"A-Astrid when was the last time, you cut?" His voice full of sympathy that he had to ask the question. "Earlier today" I weakly mumbled scared that he would hear me even through he was supposed to.

"O-ok I'm going to see you at school tomorrow and please don't cut tonight your so perfect in your own way and I don't want you hurting yourself because when you want to just remember I'm always here for you and I want you to be happy" Hiccup spoke as he pulled me into a gentle hug. I snuggled into him as I breathed in his scent.

I mumbled an 'ok' hoping I could keep the promise of not cutting tonight and that was a long shot but I was willing to try hard.

Just for him

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Instagram: all.things.hiccstrid

Oooooo yep that just happened

Hiccup still doesn't know about Astrid abusive dad and that she doesn't eat a lot around less then one meal a day (hoping she can look prettier)

Love you all

Stay strong

- Asty xx