A Drunken Mistake

A Drunken Mistake - Sending My Heart Soaring Once Again

The thing is though, I don’t think I can. I spent nine years building them; they’re a permanent thing in my heart now, something that’s always there. So I don’t know if they’ll just simply fall down, leaving my heart completely unguarded and in harm’s way.

I know that Dylan wouldn’t hurt me, he knows what I’ve gone through, he understands. So I know he would never do anything to make the pain in my life worse, I believe him when he says he loves me.

And completely trusting someone comes with love, loving someone is giving them the power to break your heart, but trusting them enough to believe that they won’t.

I’m halfway there, I trust him not to break my heart one hundred per cent, but I can’t fully give him my heart yet, my mind just simply won’t let me.

It keeps warning me, shouting at me that I’ll just end up broken and scarred like I always am, but this time it would be different.

It wouldn’t be my body that would be broken, it would be my heart.

I know from experience, any punch, kick or slap someone throws at you can never compare to the pain you feel when someone breaks your heart.

I get back to the house it’s suddenly got really dark outside without me realising; I must have been in one of my day dreams again.

I climb up the weeds growing up the side of the house, giving it an old fashioned vintage look.

I crawl through my window and look round the room I’ve been calling my bedroom for nine years.

It has nothing personal in it except one picture sitting on my bedside table, facing my bed so I can see it last thing before I close my eyes and the first thing I see when I open them in the morning.

It’s the last picture we took before they died, when we went on holiday to France for our summer holiday. We’re all sitting on this big rock over a cliff, the endless sea stretching into the distance behind us, trying to look good for the camera.

When I first saw it, I hated it with a passion. My eyes look wonky and my smile too big, I spent hours trying to talk Dad into deleting it for me.

But now, I’m so glad he didn’t, it shows my family at its best.

Luke doing bunny ears behind Jared’s head, both of them sticking their tongues out. Mums smiling her beautiful smile that she uses in ever photo I’ve seen of her, while slyly giving the boys a disapproving look. Dad’s sitting behind all of us, one hand on my shoulder, one on Mums, grinning a cheesy smile at the camera.

All in all, we look like a weird bunch and that’s the way I loved it.

I lie flat out on my bed and look at the ceiling, going into another daydream about everything.

But only one thing truly stands out in my mind, one name circling it over and over again.

Dylan.