How to Survive South Park

Black and Blue

"No."

"What was that?"

"You heard me, you politically correct asshole. You and your roided up buddies are taking this way too far so I'm gonna teach you fucks a lesson."

A crowd starts to gather around as this town has long since known about my powers and I can see that these kids are eager for this frat bro to be taken down a peg or two.

"Did you just insinuate that all bodybuilders use illegal steroids during their practices and are sex addicts?!?"

"...I'm going to enjoy this faaar more than I should."

Cut to Hell's Pass Hospital where the school's new principal is on life support. The frat house has been destroyed and Cartman of all people is throwing a party at his place.

"That was AWESOME, DUDE! I wish that beatdown was on video so I could see it myself. But seriously, those guys might be assholes but I learned that sometimes, joking about un-PC things could actually be important because it starts a dialogue. I just hope the principal learned that lesson as well."

I give him an 'are you fucking kidding me?' expression as he eats some of the fudge brownies his mom made for everyone. The ads made sure any footage of me beating the principal was destroyed except for one copy that I have as they may need it for their plan and can't have the PC's reputation getting completely destroyed just yet.

"You know that they won't give up that easily, right? And even if the PCs fail, this town will change eventually to fit the future."

"I'm well aware, but as long as the change is truly for the better, then I don't see why we have to fight it. Let the PCs serve as an example and spread their message in our own way that everyone can accept."

"...You just want to use them for your own gain, don't you?"

"I will neither confirm nor deny that. Enjoy the party, Dovahkiin, and prepare to face the future." Cartman gives me a wink as he walks away. I see what he did there.

Leslie was watching the whole time and she luckily interpreted his words wrong.

"Looks like everything went to plan, huh?"

"Yup, the PCs will be accepted yet limited on what they can do, making them that much easier to control. It's only a matter of time now. Are you ready to fix this town along with the rest of the world?"

"Let's do it, babe."

The episode 'Where my Country Gone' comes next and while it takes a bit longer than usual for Garrison to snap (at least I'm assuming so since Kyle never gets the medal of whatever), he does lose it when the Canadians start invading the school and has a screaming match with a PC principal whose body is about 75% casts and braces.

The PC's took a bit of time to reorganize and are continuing to try and spread their message but are a bit less forceful now which everyone else is grateful for. Cartman still tries pinning Kyle as the one responsible for the Canadians coming over using the excuse of Ike being the Canadian savior who helped stop the Canadian Devil and Tooth Decay which Kyle supposedly planned for because he's a Jew.

"It's just like when Butters became the King of Mexico you guys! Kyle is trying to rule Canada through Ike and his speeches and bring them all here!"

"That's total bullshit fatass and you know it!"

"You do have a bit of a problem with speeches, dude."

Kyle and Cartman fight with Kyle starting up a speech again and everyone else leaving. Looks like something similar to canon happened but for different reasons. That's nothing new since I came along. Funny how fate works sometimes.

Cut to the Canadian history assembly.

"... in order for better understanding, we've asked for students of Canadian origin to introduce you to their culture and HEY LESLIE SHUT YOUR FU-" A death glare by me who's sitting next to her gets him to shut it.

"FUhhh, to introduce you to their culture and customs." The assembly goes on like normal with Garrison getting fired and the Canadians getting pissed as hell. Cartman continues to try and connect the plan to Kyle and gets Butters to go and date a Canadian girl.

Timmy asked Cartman to go on as normal to draw attention away from the rest of the A.A.A. which he has no problems with since he is smart enough to know there's plenty to gain and we are basically dealing with his main problem for him. Everyone gets what they want in the end. Except the ads of course.

Garrison eventually invaded Canada and got them all to leave and Kyle failed miserably at giving a speech. The former then drives off with Katelyn Jenner who nearly runs me over. Probably should have seen that coming.

In a far off timeline, an archangel that some would recognize as Bradley Biggle weakly looks on in fear at the impending death slowly approaching him. His outfit is no Phone Destroyer cosplay and this is no game.

Bright white hair sways in the wind and pitch black eyes with purple pupils gaze into the angel who's divine aura is rapidly dissipating.

"You... my ultimate attack... impossible."

"You know what the difference between us is, Bradley? When I die, I come back even stronger, but when you die..."

"This whole time... you..."

The white haired kid chuckles to himself.

"Me? I just wanted some angelic power and all the abilities that come with it. Phone Destroyer made them look quite appealing back when I played in my old world."

"I'm sorry everyone... I failed."

"Quite the contrary, you succeeded in getting me everything I needed. Well, almost everything. The last thing on my checklist should be crossed off momentarily as soon as this thing finishes-"

(("Trapper Keeper ready to absorb."))

"...Preparing. Well, you heard my bootleg system. Sayonara, little angel."