The Arrangement (BTS MYG x ofc, complete!)

Regrets

(A/N: Happy 30th Birthday Min Yoongi 2023! Wishing he will always find love, joy, and inspiration in life, and remain healthy and happy ! )

Soo Ah lies in her bed, in the dark, feeling the weight of the day, and the alcohol, and her feelings. The thin duvet feels scratchy and cold against her skin, and she wishes she could have brought long enough pajamas to protect herself from the inferior bedding.  She never noticed sheets or blankets before. She either had them and was warm, or she didn't, and she wasn't. It seems a ridiculous thing to be focusing on now, but it stops her from thinking about him.

Being with Yoongi is changing her, in many ways. Being in his glow makes her feel special in a way she'd never hoped to before. She thought if she could do well as an actress she would find some of the fame and the money and attention for herself, but this is different, this glow is from being cared for, considered, included in his world, finding a place where she belongs, finally. She isn't sure what it will feel like to be away from that glow, to go back to her previous life, when this all comes to an end.

She rolls onto her back, restless and frustrated. She feels instinctively like she did well today; she was the model girlfriend. She can't take credit for being just a good actress because deep down, she doesn't feel like she was acting. She felt as though she was being herself, and following her instincts. It didn't feel like she was pretending, but maybe she's taken on the role so well. She does always ask herself what he wants, what he needs, in each moment, but she's also started asking what she wants. Sometimes she touched him, not because she thought he would want a girlfriend to do that, but because she wanted to touch him. Sometimes she sat closer to him, because she wanted to be near him.

Maybe that's where she went wrong. She's not supposed to do things simply because she wants to do them, and her needs have to be secondary. It might be that way for months if she stays with him, if he lets her stay with him. Maybe this job is more difficult than it seemed, and she was naive to accept it so quickly. She didn't even take a day to think about it. She took one look at the offer, and one look at Yoongi, and she jumped. Just like that first acting job, someone takes notice of her, makes her an offer and she just said 'yes' to a whole new career. Her parents chastised her for her impulsivity but, it's brought her this far, and she always felt as though she was still being true to herself, to her own wants and needs. She hopes she can keep that part of herself, no matter what happens with Yoongi.

She rolls over on her side, deep in her thoughts. Now, she's got a long night ahead of her to second guess every choice she made. She's got all day tomorrow to look at the clock and think about where he is and what he's doing right then, without her. And if she isn't going to be allowed to go to the concert, she's not sure when she will even see him next. He told her there was a live chat scheduled right after the concert, at the hotel. She has seen some of those before in the press; all the members sit together and talk to fans, who message them, for maybe an hour, sometimes more. Then, he'll likely be exhausted and just want to sleep. The next day, maybe it will be more of the same. Maybe he won't call for her for any of the concert days.

She wonders, what if he spends a few days without her and realizes what she was afraid of all along; that he doesn't need to pay someone to give him companionship or comfort. She squeezes her eyes closed tightly and she bites down on her lip to stem the wave of sorrow that is right at the edge of overpowering her. She's fought to hide her tears so well, over and over, stuffing the feelings down and pretending that she isn't upset. She doesn't have to hide her tears from anyone now, there is no one to see them, and she no longer has the power to hold back. She reaches to the nightstand, to the locket she hoped to wear tomorrow to the concert, the one her grandma gave her. She opens it to see a picture of her when she was not much older than Soo Ah is now. Her eyes well up with tears as she looks at the picture. She whispers to the picture with her eyes closed.