Sinful Venom | KTH

Thirty-Four: Fall Away

[ Fall Away ]

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Taehyung

I uncomfortably cleared my throat as I adjusted the earplug in my left ear and rubbed the side of my neck aching gently.

Squeezing my eyes shut even tighter than they already had been, I sunk further back into my seat, leaning my head back and letting my neck get comfortable in my cervical pillow once more.

I could barely feel myself in my own seat. I felt somehow separated from my own body, like I was somehow forced to physically part ways with myself against my will and without any realisation.

It felt like it was some sort of out-of-body-like experience. Something I have not felt in ages, literally years. It was like I was simply watching myself from an alternate point of view.

A fresh flood of emptiness seemed to flow right into me and swiftly replace every liquid and fibre to ever exist in my being, practically leaving me feeling completely internally bare with nothing but floating a empty void left.

It was never something I could really explain, for as long as I ever began to experience such a thing. It was never something I could even wrap my own head around, nevertheless even try to explain it to somebody else in hopes that they'd somehow be able to understand it for me instead since I clearly struggled to do that on my own.

It didn't seem logical at all.

I was once told that this was my brain's way of protecting itself or sometimes even reaching its own kind of burnout, causing it to somewhat 'switch off' and pretty much numb me in a way. It was apparently my body's way of telling me that it was overwhelmed and stressed out by something, whether it would be something current, from the past, or something that was simply still pending and upcoming.

In a sense, I saw this as my body's way of taking the fall for the rest of me to prevent any further burnout from occurring, for however long it must have felt was necessary.

And here we were again, I suppose.

As familiar as such an experience could've been for me, I could never find myself ever getting used to it. Calling it weird honestly did not feel like a sufficient description of what it truly felt like, what was really going on with me during these episodes.

Losing contact with your own body. With your own self. Detached from your own skin and bones, from whatever emotions that could've been left within you. All in the name of a supposed desperate need of survival. It was my brain's instinctive form of hopelessly protecting itself, protecting me, just so I wouldn't self-destruct and cause any sort of harm.