102 - m.h

// 60. sincerity is scary //

chapter song: empty space - james arthur

almost a month since matty left and almost week had past since that fucked up thing he had did, and since we last talk. i've been doing good...well not really, i miss him a lot but i still think about what happened over and over and that causes me to hate him and forget that i even miss him.

all i did was cry every night, he messages me a million times a day and by that it contains a lot of sorry messages, and even calls me—which i don't answer even one—but not too often. i'm guessing he knows i needed time, and that is true, but now, i think i'm ready to talk to him and talk about...that or wait maybe not.

he was not the matty i created inside my head, even after waiting for me for several damn years he still managed to fuck things up. i pulled my hair to let out the frustration that was building up inside of me, i wanted to explode right now, i was like a bottle of soda and matty decided to shake me up causing my contents to explode all over the place.

will he try to make everything right just the way it was supposed to be?

i took a deep breath and sniffled, making myself startled—i was not aware that i was already having a crying session here in my room. i whirled around to see myself in the mirror, i looked like a mess—my hair was tangled, face filled with stains of the liquids that are coming from my eyes and overall just a big hell of a mess.

then i heard footsteps approaching my room, i already knew who it was just by hearing that particular footsteps—it was my stepdad that is my dad, y'know.  "hey honey, you okay? you haven't come downstairs since like two hours ago. wanted to check if you're still alive." dad asked me while his head was sticking out the door to take a look at me, "i'm fine dad, thanks and i'll just come down when i feel like it" i gave him an assuring smile before he answered with a nod, contented with my provided response before taking off and removed his peaking head out the door.

ashley was nowhere to be found, probably with her boyfriend—they had a fight too but reconciled after they realized they can't be without each other and won't even last two days without seeing each other, which i wished was the case for me and matty too.

ross and i talked earlier, catched up and talk about a lot of stuff—he has no idea about the 'matty cheating' situation, i didn't want to tell ross and george since i don't want them to get into a fight, i knew it seems like i'm covering matty even though i was the most affected, but afterall i don't want to be the bad one too that's like 'your friend cheated on me and made me feel shit' and sprinkle that around to people who knows him.

i won't be any greater than him that way, not that i want to be the good one—but i just wanted to be mature. only adam, ashley and the boys' manager jamie knew the situation, and i sometimes want to ask adam how's matty doing, but i don't.

i got up from my bed and went out to the hallway and strutted down the stairs, my mum was out and about with her friends and will go home later. i was left in the house and my dad, who was busy reading the book i had recommended him, and he was loving it really bad, "god didn't knew ricky would be such an arsehole" he groaned and put the books down, he was talking about a character in the book who was a total mess.

"right? i also did not expected that when i was reading the book" i snorted and went on my way to grab some chips in the kitchen and was about to go upstairs when dad said something, "i've been noticing something about you lately, sometimes not quite right—i can't pinpoint what it is but just so you know, i'm here and also mum. if the reason why you're acting strange and vacant lately is your boyfriend matty, then i'm gonna beat his ass out when i see him." i knew he was kidding but i very much wanted for him to do that for me, i'll be glad to be honest.