102 - m.h

// 43. million words //

chapter song: 18 - one direction

[refer to chapter 19 & 21 for the letters]

i woke up to the sun hitting my face, "fuck" i mumbled under my breath and immediately covered my eyes. i reached out my hand to matty's direction just to touch, the air.

his side of the bed was already cold, i expected him to be here next to me first thing in the morning but to my disappointment, he was nowhere to be found in the room. i looked at the wall clock and it was already 9 in the morning.

i held the blanket up to my chest, letting out a big sigh, he probably was downstairs maybe cooking or doing something, right?

i stood up and tripped from the blanket that caught my feet, "fuck my thigh" i grunted and winced in pain, my thighs appeared to have a bruise from my fall last night. i held onto a desk for support, accidentally knocking of some of matty's things from the table down to the floor.

i sighed and rolled my eyes in annoyance, i wrapped the blanket around my body and carefully stepped outside the room to see if no one was with me.

his presence cannot be detected, i was definitely alone in his house. see, i was right, i should've not hoped for him to really keep his words, didn't even bother to be beside me or not leave me until i wake up.

i got teary eyed because of agony— but was mostly because of anger.

i immediately stormed back to his room planning to get out of here.

i went to the bathroom washed my face, and brushed my teeth, getting my clothes from yesterday that was now dry. i threw it on and walked towards the table to get my things and head out of here, go home alone and return by riding the tube.

i was about to go towards the door when my lipstick fell down and rolled on the floor, stopping in front of his things that i knocked off earlier. "i won't pick his shits up" i mumbled, anger was still lingering inside me, i crouched down to pick it my lipstick up when the papers that were scattered caught my attention, as they had my name written on it.

it had a lot of things written on it, i picked one up and read it— it was a letter dated 13th of june, year 2007. and started to pick up the other papers, i read it all, it contained every thoughts he had, everything he didn't said to me, it told how much he missed me, and how much he wanted to see me sooner.

then i picked up the paper that hit my feels and made me cry, it was written on 1st of november, year 2011.

do you still remember the day at the park? i think we went there to do our assignments together, under the tree, in peace with each other's presence, i was staring at you for too long that you caught me and started to tease me, you know..i wanted to kiss you right at that moment. i haven't had my first kiss, and i wanted it to be you.

"i don't wanna cry early in the morning" i mumbled in complaint, i wiped my tears as i read the remaining letters left, and read a another one, it was about that night of prom, so that's what was inside his thoughts, the night on the car with music blasting loud, he already confessed his love for me. i was not aware, he'd already reciprocated my feelings since then yet i just haven't noticed, i was too blinded by the thoughts he already had his attention to someone else.

he wanted me to be his first kiss..did i granted him that wish? was it already taken by someone else?

then i looked over the floor for more of paper left, and there was one. it looked like a draft of a lyric, it was titled 102– i stopped when i realized the number was our house number back in cheshire. he adored me a lot just by reading his letters that were meant for me, the song was meant for me.