Basorexia ϟ hoodings

➣ fifty

[ little mentions of suicide ]

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c a l u m

it was a bit awkward when i accidentally screamed out that luke was annoying. i honestly didn't mean too. if i would take it back, i would.

he looked so hurt, and i just felt so, so bad. i just want to engulf him in a massive hug and squeeze him, and repetitively telling him im sorry.

though, i noticed he wiped away his obvious tear, and straighten up himself, and ask if we were going to join them for a game of truth or dare. so, we insisted, only because i didn't want to be rude.

luke and i didn't talk for the rest of the night, and i felt lost without him. i felt like i had really hurt him, and that he won't ever talk to me again, however, he'd have too. we're a band, and we need to write songs again.

this morning, i woke up on the couch, alone. i remember everything from last night, since i hardly got drunk, whereas luke got absolutely piss drunk. i wouldn't be surprised if luke didn't remember a single thing.

it was about three in the afternoon when everyone else decided to wake up too, however luke was the first to come downstairs and get something from the kitchen - obviously i had to be in there too when he came down.

he didn't talk to me. so instead, i tried to speak up, but that was awfully hard, since i didn't know what to say.

"um, hi." i said, biting my lip, as luke pulled out the apple juice from the fridge.

luke didn't answer me, but instead, he smiled weakly, pouring the juice into his glass. clearly he could feel the awkward tension between us.

"how was your sleep?" i ask, "did you sleep well?" i didn't know what else to say. what was i meant to say anyway?

"fine." he answered, bluntly, putting toast in the toaster. i nod my head, standing there, as he also stood there, waiting for his toast to pop.

"look, i'm sorry for what happened-"

"don't," luke interrupted, "i don't want to hear your apology. i came last night to keep my mind off my problems, and you adding to it won't help. i'm planning on to drink more tonight. you with me?"

i was speechless on what to say. luke wanted to get drunk, again? thats really bad, he really shouldn't be doing this.

"luke...you know that's not healthy." i state, trying to reason with him.

"and? at least i forget about everything."

"but that doesn't stop you from remembering the day after. you see, i don't understand why people like you go out and drink away their sorrows. to try and drown them in alcohol. it doesn't work, so why keep trying? all it does to you, is ruin your brain, to put you in terrible states; to probably kill you. do you really want that?"

"i wouldn't mind." luke says, as the toaster pops. he grabs the two pieces of toast and pulls out the nutella.

"what the actual fuck? there are people out there that want to die because of severe bullying, or because their parents are abusing them, or because of much worse: and you want to die because of a tiny little problem? what has gotten into you!" i shout, causing luke to look this way.

"i never said i wanted to, i just said that i didn't mind," luke says, "plus, how would you know what i'm going through? as far as i know, you were the one that didn't want anything to do with me anymore; you were the one to say that you hated me, so don't you dare to act like you know whats going on with me, and my life. you know nothing!"

"it's because of laura. i'm right, aren't i." i watched the tears run down luke's face, whilst they started trailing down mine. oh, how we're a broken band.

"hardly." luke whispers, before leaving the room, causing me to be alone.

"fuck!" i whisper shout to myself. i walk back to the couch and lie down. the fuck is happening to this band. luke's delusional and i'm about to fucking snap.

michael and ashton are the only ones picking up our broken pieces and gluing them back together. it's only a matter of time when they break again, and i'm not sure how longer michael and ash can mend the pieces back together.

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a.n

deeeeeeppp

guys i have ed sheerans signature. he also wrote me a little note and it says "a little bit of me is now with you :) xx [his autograph]" like wtf im so lucky

yeah ill probs put the pic on the side or top when i finish :-)

- deany xx