Chapter 1. Receiving the News

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I push open the door to see mum behind the counter bottling the jam she made today "Sour cherry jam that you love"

 She said when she was stirring it before I left for the hospital for my last session of physiotherapy. 

" Hi. I'm back." 

She looks up licking her sticky finger

"Hi. Welcome back. What did the doctor say?" 

Worry is obvious in her voice. Having a mom for me who lost his mom at 14 in a car accident brought me mixed feelings. She is constantly worried and she gets pushy when it comes to my health issues but it's great to have someone who loves you this much. It took me a long time to convince her to stop coming to my treatment sessions since she had to go back to her work but she can't help herself to check on me every minute of the day

"Everything is good. Mama. They said I could walk perfectly. I can start running but not so fast." 

She puts a bottle of jam aside 

"That's good news. Though don't rush into running yet. Maybe later you get your stamina back and we can sign you in a gym under supervision or something." 

" Yes. Can I taste that jam?" 

She offers me a spoon

"Honey! I know sometimes I tend to be smothering you but it's for your own good. Hey. Don't eat that much sweet. You know what they say? sweets are vitamins for cancer. " 

She scolds me taking away the spoon

"Why do you make my favorite jam if you won't let me eat it?" 

I pout and her eyes get softened. 

" Sorry. Here have a bit more. But not too much." 

I lay on the red couch picking up my tablet. I tried so hard to get used to the life that Dara had here and it's not bad. It's calming. I love the warm breeze in the afternoon and the mountain view. I love how Dara's sisters are joyful and lively. They argue nonstop but they are funny and kind. Data's friends come to visit. All nice people. They adore him. Now, these are all mine of course. That love and adoration are directed toward me and the love" thirsty that I am, I take it all. Mom is a hell of a bossy control freak but for a pushover like me, that isn't a problem. She is still more lenient than Hyung. Thinking of him, I tried to stay away from that world as much as possible. I am happy here and I don't want to be near those toxic people. I surf through my Instagram posts. This is the first time; I post freely what I want in my life. I can caption whatever, wear whatever, and do whatever. I have never been this free. The biggest gift that Dara gave me was freedom and I won't take it for granted.

*

Lying on the bed I stare at the ceiling. It's a warm night and the air conditioner is doing its best to cool down the heated room. Thoughts run to my head. I can't stop thinking about him and that's awful. I should hate that guy to the core. I mean I died and came back yet I can't get rid of that guy. Especially, since Dara fell in love with him as well and now I'm carrying all his feelings alongside mine which means I hate him twice and love him twice a normal person who can love someone. And that's overwhelming. Maybe he is married by now. It's been a few months since Dara left Seoul. Maybe if I see him married all these frustrating feelings go away. I just look him up to get rid of these unnecessary thoughts. Yeah. Just a quick research and then I give up. I exhale a shaky breath and sit up. It's not like I'm gonna run to Seoul to stop his wedding by any means. I want to prepare myself to let go of him once and forever. That's it. I pick the tablet and try to type his name, my fingers hesitating on the screen. No. What if he really got married? I'm so pathetic. I can't bear to see him with another person while I can't have him. I don't know how Dara could be satisfied just knowing he was happy. I'm not as good as Dara. I can't forgive the bastard for playing me and I can't wish him happy with anyone but me. That's why I wanted him to suffer so hard, getting over the image of me falling before his eyes. I yearn for him as much I want him in pain. That's why I shouldn't look him up. I should get better and find someone who loves me. A woman or a man who takes me in and shelters me, to be my home. Not to be a sore spot in my heart forever the way Dae Sung is. Fuck it. I'll look hyung up instead. I type his name and some links pop up. The first thing that catches my attention is the article about the CENA entertainment company scandal. 'The late singer Thunder former manager exposed a suicide note disclosing the bullies and mistreatments by the company that led him to his final death decision. The backlash of publishing the notes confirmed the rumors around the company and put it in a compromising position. People got angry and started a petition and other trainees and singers were encouraged to step in and share their experiences with the said company. Manifests came out and people are outraged. Now the activities of the companies are on hold due to the controversy. Wow! Hyung must have had some balls to take things this far. I never thought he would hand the letter to the media to bring down the company like this. He kept his promise. Didn't he? I hope more people come to talk about what happened to them in that damn company. It's painful to read the article to the end but it tingles my emotion to know that Hyung did this for me as he said he would do. He is a hateful man but he is my hateful Hyung After all. I don't know how to feel about this but I feel that a heavy weight is lifted off my chest. I feel relieved. The last link of the chained which kept strangling me now is torn.

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