Scent of Eclipse

Chapter 69: Is this love?

Zion

Why did she follow me again? What's her problem? Her father told her not to go here and see me again. What is she doing here?

"What are you doing here?" She asked in a trembling voice.

I want to look back and say that I don't want to leave but I had no choice but to let her hands go. She's so weak... I pity her so much for coming here just to beg me.

Hindi na 'ko puwedeng lumaban pa. I will soon leave her behind. When I leave, I am not sure if I will survive in that portal or not. Hearing what's inside of it that no one survived, how could I even surpass it?

Hindi ako makakaligtas at hindi puwedeng iwanan ko siyang umiiyak kahihintay sa akin. Paano kung nawala ako? Paano siya kung wala na 'ko?

Ayokong mahalin niya na ako. Paulit-ulit niyang sisisihin ang sarili niya sa pagkawala ko. Ayokong iwanan siyang ganyan. Ayokong umalis nang hindi natutupad ang pangako kong magiging maayos at ligtas siya.

Nakatayo siya sa kawalan habang kausap ang babae. Ilang araw na lang, mawawala na ako. Magkakahiwalay na tayo. Sana pagdating ng araw na aalis ako, hindi mo na ako mahal pa.

Gusto ko pang mabuhay. Gustong-gusto kong bumalik sa'yo at sabihing mahal na mahal pa rin kita... Pero sa oras na ginawa ko ang bagay na 'yon, patuloy lang kitang papatayin. Mahal na mahal kita, Ruby Shim... Hindi ko pa gustong mawala sa tabi mo pero wala akong magawa.

I don't want to hurt you. I want to die without leaving you, missing me. I'm sorry, Ruby. I'm sorry for being a coward. I'm sorry if I cannot fight for you. I'm sorry for not spending my time with you.

I looked away and called Ulfa inside the car.

"Zion?" She started.

"Alam mong ilang araw na lang at mawawala na 'ko, hindi ba? Magiging maayos ka ba nang wala ako?"

"I'm fine, Zion... I know you can do it."

Umiling ako. Bumagsak nag luha ko nang hindi ko namamalayan. I drove the car away so I could not see her. I stopped before speaking again.

"What if I can't? What if I die? What if I will be gone? Without even telling her that I love her so much?"

She's the only woman I've been through who made me cry like this. Is this even love? We're both hurting each other. Can you still call it love?

"If you love her, you will not lose any hope that you can survive. Think of it... You will live for her." She gasped. I know she's crying.

"Duwag ako. Hindi ko siya kayang harapin... Ayokong madurog siya kung sakaling mawala ako."

"Do you love her that much?" Tanong niya sa humihikbing boses.

"I love her so much." I answered, biting my lips to stop myself from making any noise. "Mahal na mahal ko si Ruby... Mahal na mahal ko siya."

"Then you can do this. Tell her that you still love her. If you love her, you will face even death."

"Takot ako... Takot akong masaktan siya kung sakaling hindi ko kayanin ang mabuhay para sa kanya."

"Then what do you want? You will die without telling her that you love her? Or you will choose to face death for her? You love each other so you should face danger together."

Pumikit ako at sumandal. Huminga ako nang malalim.

"Do not waste your chance by believing in what if's." She said.

"Then what should I do? Hurting her hurts me more. No matter what will I do, we will end up hurting each other. What will I fight for if we will end on the same ground?"