Being a Lovato Sister

Chapter 43- Reflection Part 2

Becca's POV***  

I stared deeply into my eyes. There were tear tracks evident down my cheeks, with some left over, smudged mascara in the mix. As I stood there recollecting my thoughts, I pondered on a new one. I wondered what it felt like to be pretty. I briefly imagined what it would be like if I was confident in who I am. Is that life too far out of reach? Am I too far gone to be sane again? 

I shook my thoughts when I heard sobs come from the other side of the door. It broke my heart to know that her precious tears where being wasted on me. She was doing amazingly well in her recovery before I moved in with her and now I'm jeopardizing all of her hard work. I knew this would happen. I always mess up in the most important times of my life. How could I hurt someone who is despirately trying to help me. Oh right, because I am selfish. The most selfish girl I know. 

Emily wins. She can have my dignity. I give up. I'm done. Done with trying to figure this all out. I'm done with being thrown under the bus by my predators. I've accepted my life as a prey and that is all I will ever be. Hunted and mocked. 

"Becca? Please be okay. God please don't let her leave. I can fix her. I-I need her. I really, really do. I know she didn't mean to hurt me, God. I know she didn't mean it. Please keep her safe in there. Please God, please." I heard Demi pray on the other side of the door. Hearing these words come out of her mouth made me feel even more guilty. How could she still love me after I hurt her? How could she just forgive me like that? I was so cruel. I couldn't even let her touch me. 

But know, I won't let her any where near me. Who know's when my next break out could be. I could accidentally hospitalize her for all I know. I can't do that to her. Not after everything she's done for me. She may say she needs me, but she really doesn't. I'm a monster.

I took another long, hard look at myself. I didn't like what I saw. I never do. I glanced my body up and down. I could see my salulite enriched thighs peeking out of my knee length-shorts and the roles of my stomach when I tried despirately to suck them in. I took my hands and squeezed every one of them wishing I could cut them off. I then looked at my arms. They were filled with scars that told stories I tried so hard to forget. The stories I wished I had never lived. When I saw my face I could see the blemishes I spend hours trying to gratique and cover up. My eyes were red and I could see the pain glistening from their pits. I ran my hands across my face wishing my skin could be as soft as Demi's. I've always wanted to look like her. Maybe if I did I would fit in. But it's so hard to fit in when everybody's different. 

"Becca? Becca? Are you okay? A-Are y-you a-a-alive?" Demi sobbed in fear. I could her the pain dripping from her voice and knew I owed her something. 

"Y-Yeah Demi, I-I'm here." I croaked, trying to hold back tears. 

"Oh thank goodness. Will you let me in?" She asked hopefully, then sniffled her nose. 

"N-No. I-I can't." 

"Why not? Are you stuck?" 

"N-No it's not that. I just can't let you in okay. I'm afraid I will hurt you again."

"Becca it's okay. I'm fine. You won't hur.. Oww!" She screamed. 

"What? What's wrong? Demi are you okay?" 

"Yeah I-I'm fine. It's just my wrist that's all." 

"See I knew I hurt you! I'm a monster." 

"No you're not. I am going to be.. Oww!" She screamed again.

"Demi you need to get that looked at. Call Max or something and have the first aid guy or a doctor look at you."

"Okay, Okay. I will but only if you come out."