HOLLOW » Zarry ✔⚠

82

Two hours later. It's 6:04.

Zayn sits in the middle of his room floor and he's  crying. He's also holding a plastic water bottle in front of him filled with cloudy like liquid. It's a perfect mixture of three household items: one, a yellowish cloudy color, the second, clear like water and the third, a small amount of pink. Yes, this is basically poison but at least it's pretty.

Usually, this is the part where a person is trying to convince themselves this isn't the only option anymore. It's usually the part where they are ready to change their mind about dying because even though they feel like they don't belong on earth, they are too cowardly to actually take their own lives. It has happened so many times with other people. However with Zayn, that isn't the case. His aura is calm and collective and nothing in his young sixteen year old mind screams, "I'm not ready for this!" He's ready. Finally after 3 years of waiting for the right time, he's ready.

He sighs deeply to himself and all that comes to mind are the things that drove him to this point in his life; all the things that have come together and spelled out his impending doom.

His mother doesn't want him anymore and she won't even look at him because she thinks he's disgusting for sleeping with another boy. He keeps asking: Why couldn't I have just for once in my life done something right? Why wasn't I ever good enough to her?

But then he remembers that it really hasn't had much to do with being good enough at all. All his life he feels like he's never been noticed, even when he wanted to be noticed the most. He often wondered why people couldn't see him when he was always right there in front of them. Why they could never hear him when he was screaming out loud for them them to save him. He figures he didn't deserve to be saved. Maybe boys like him only deserve to be invisible. Maybe they deserve to be treated in all the most horrible ways possible, until the only option left is not to live anymore. There being the only option Zayn feels he has left.

He thinks about the day he was raped, the nightmares that have derived from that day, and how pathetic he was for letting it happen. Yeah he knows he was drugged. But he still let it happen, right? He let Harry trick him and send him away to be both sexually and physically abused by six men. It's all his fault and his fault alone. He deserves to feel this way.

Lastly he thinks about Harry. Harry has done everything imaginable to him and all the while, Zayn had his chances to speak up. In the beginning, when Harry used to touch him inappropriately over and over again, Zayn should have stopped him. He could've stopped him. He could've said no or told someone what he was doing. But he didn't. No, he was too much of a coward to do that.

And what about when he gave Harry that blowjob that day in the school showers? That's what started it all. That's when Harry pulled him back as he tried to leave, kissed him and then fucked him against the wall. It was too late say no then because it had quickly turned into rape and then blackmail and then all out fear. It turned into abuse, and violence and heartbreak and somehow in there between Zayn denying he liked boys and being forced to do things he didn't want to do, he reached a low point to where he actually started to love the way Harry made him feel. And he liked the ways Harry touched him.

"I was never supposed to love any of the things we did together." He mumbles and he wipes all those tears from his eyes. Because he knows every single thing he did last night with Harry, he wanted. And no matter how many times he makes himself think the sex they shared was just another piece of the plan, it wasn't.

Zayn let's out a frustrated noise that sounds somewhere near a grunt and a scream and he wipes his eyes with the back of his hands. That's doing no good though. The tears won't stop falling. They just keep coming and coming and coming. Zayn didn't think he would shed this many tears when he finally did this. He knows now, that he was wrong. So wrong.

He looks up at the clock on his nightstand and it reads 6:11 which means he's been thinking for seven minutes. Well, it's time to stop thinking now. It's time to take action. It's time to stop being a coward for once in his life and show the world how brave he really is.

He shakes the bottle to make sure everything's properly mixed again and then he uncrews the top. It takes a moment to compose himself and stop his nervous breathing but when he does, he pinches his nose with his index finger and with the other hand, he brings the bottle to his mouth.

Without thinking about it, he takes five large gulps and pulls the bottle away.

"Ugh." He says as he makes a face and holds.  the bottle away from himself. It's a horrible taste that reminds him of earwax, something he's accidentally tasted before. He doesn't know why he didn't consider this aspect of poisoning himself. It's simply awful. And it's a shame that he's going to have to do this again tomorrow.

He takes a deep breath and after keeping himself from puking, he brings the bottle to his mouth and takes more huge gulps. He finishes the whole bottle, only stopping once for air. And he just lies against the back of the bed.

Gerrrrr

That was his stomach. He's really hungry right now, but he doesn't want to eat anymore. He wants the poison to soak into his system right away and without any delays. He knows the quicker it gets in his system, the quicker it will work on him.

He had looked up all the information on this before he even chose this route, so he knows what's supposed to happen and he knows what will come from this. It will take him some time, but it will work the way he wants it to. All that matters is the outcome. Not the pain that will come about in the process.

Zayn has his eyes closed for a second when he hears a car's engine start up outside. He stands up and goes to the window, parting the blinds a little so he can peak out. He isn't really surprised too see it's his mother backing out of their driveway.

She's leaving again. He thinks. Of course she is.

He let's the blinds close and then throws himself down on his bed face first. He won't even try to get up anymore for tonight, because he knows from everything he's read, he'll feel a bit intoxicated within the next three to four hours. Therefore, he lies there and closes his eyes. This is about to be the second time he falls asleep today in five hours. But unlike all other nights, this isn't just sleep to him. It represents the last time he'll go to sleep and wake up the next day.

How symbolic this is.

A wave of calmness rushes over Zayn and he knows why that's so. He's accepting his death. He's accepting his ending and his last hours on earth. He never thought it would feel this good. Never thought this much relief would come from a simple decision. But it did.

And honestly, this is the most relieved he's felt in a very long time.