Battle Wounds: Solangelo Soulmate AU

FIFTY-EIGHT

MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING. Nico has some really really really dark thoughts and says some really depressing things. Please do not read this if your in a poor mindset right now, I can assure you it will more than likely trigger you. Please read with caution. This story will still be there when you get in a better mindset to read it.

NICO POV:
Wills mom had him go back to school the next day since it's the end of the year. She wanted him to be able to bring me my homework and teach me whatever. She agrees that I shouldn't have to go back to that school and said she'll start looking into some new schools for Will and I to transfer too.

I have the house to myself for the day so I decide to smoke another blunt. Will came and stopped by for his lunch to check on me about 30 minutes ago, and his mom called on her breaks but other than that I got some peace and quiet.

I get up from Wills bed and head over to his dresser where I had taped the blunts to the back. I grab one and head out to the backyard to smoke. I know he'll probably somehow figure out that I smoked again today but I don't really care. I know if I cut he'd call the police and head home immediately so at least this wouldn't cause a big scene like that.

I throw the ball for Mrs. O'leary a bit while I'm out there and she seems to appreciate it. I throw the butt over the fence when I'm done and head back inside and up to Wills room. I like to sit in his room instead of mine because everything smells like him, which makes me sound like a creepy stalker but I don't care. I'll admit that my boyfriends smell calms me down, sue me.

About an hour later Will texts me that he is on his way home, apparently he's skipping advisement to come home early. I was hoping to have a bit more time to come down more from my high but oh well. I swear he has a sixth sense or something and would have known I smoked either way.

20 minutes later Will walks up and into his room where he grins at me like he hasn't seen me in 5 years instead of 2 hours.

"I missed you," Will says soapily as he collapses on the bed next to me.

I can't help but smile back, the calm fog in my head is controlling my facial muscles. "I missed you too sunshine," I chuckle.

He kisses me and I feel the moment he realizes I smoked. He slows down and leans back frowning at me. "Did you smoke?" he asks.

I shrug noncommittally and try to just pull him in to kiss me again. He pushes me away. "Nico, did you smoke?"

"A bit," I admit, I'm gonna lie to him.

He groans in frustration and looks furious, a look Ive rarely seen on his face let alone had it directed at me. "What the hell Nico?"

"What?" I scoff, backing away from him subconsciously.

"Have you just forgotten the fact that you get god damn seizures from all the drugs you've done? Or the fact that your already on parole for drug use and if one of your screenings comes back positive you can have time added to your parole?"

I don't say anything because I don't think 'I do remember I just don't care' would go over very well.

"The doctor said that continued drug use could cause even more severe brain damage, and then you could get more seizures and seizures cause brain damage too."

I can't even look at him right now, and what makes it worse is I feel like laughing and I think that would get me hit. Wait, this is Will, he wouldn't hit me. Probably not anyways, he does seem really mad. I curl up on myself a bit just in case.

"Nico look at me," he commands. He waits for me to look up and then continues. "You can not keep smoking, it's gonna kill you."

"Good," I say before I can stop myself.

His face fluctuates between utter disbelief, sadness, and anger. It eventually lands on somewhere in between. "Nico, please stop. For me, please," he begs, his eyes welling with tears. "I can't loose you."

I clench my jaw to keep myself from talking out loud. All the things I wanna say are just gonna make this situation worse.

"Sorry," I finally say plainly. I know it doesn't sound like I mean it, but I do, just not much.

"Sorry doesn't cut it Nico," he sighs. "I can't even leave you home alone without you smoking. I can't let you go to the freaking bathroom alone with out you running off and smoking!"

"It helps me," I say softly, my voice coming out meek and frightened like a child's.

"Nico, it doesn't. It's a temporary solution to a bigger problem."

I shrug.

"Nico, you've seen your brain scans. You know that your drug abuse caused all that damage, why don't you understand that it's gonna kill you one day if you don't stop. You need to get your addiction back under control."

"I don't have an addiction," I argue, even though I know it's a lie. I do, I just don't care. I want it to kill me. I dare it to kill me.

"Nico," Will sighs in exasperation, "I don't know what to do to help you when you won't talk to me."

"Just leave me alone," I snap. "That's all I ever fucking wanted was for you to leave me alone." I can feel anger and frustration bubbling up in my stomach but I don't care. If he is gonna act like my mom I am gonna act like a fucking angsty teenager. "If you just left me alone, both of our lives would be so much fucking simpler. I cause so much stress for you. If you had just listened to me and fucking left me alone your life would be so much better."

And I would probably be dead now, since I wouldn't have had anyone to save me.

Will has tears running down his face. "Even if my life would be 'easier'," he put in air quotes, "I wouldn't want it, because you wouldn't be in it."

I roll my eyes. "You wouldn't have known a life with me in it, you'd be fine."

"I don't want that, I want you," he says firmly. "How many times do I have to tell you that for it to click."

"I know what you want but I don't care," I snap standing up, almost falling over in the process from standing up to fast. "I'm so sick and tired of shit always happening to me. Your the only good fucking thing in my life. Why do I have to keep going on when I'm so god damn miserable."

I'm yelling. I have tears falling down my face and running over my cheeks and soaking into the carpet. Will looks stunned.

"Neeks," He croaks. "Let me help you. I want to help you."

"There's no helping me," I say shaking my head and taking a deep breath. "I've been trying to tell you that since the day I met you. And you didn't believe me."

"I still don't," Will says earnestly. "If we have to up and move to fucking Italy to get away from all this bullshit we will."

I roll my eyes, "You talk big game, but we both know that's not gonna happen."

"We will find a way," Will says standing up so he can move in front of me. He takes my hands. "You, Nico Diangelo, are worth it. 100% worth it."

I break down in his arms sobbing. "I just don't wanna be alive," I cry into his chest.

He's shaking too. "I know, we're gonna keep living together," he says holding me tightly. "We're gonna get through this."

Somehow, I believed him. Not completely, but just a little and that was enough for now.