—Present life. Year 2018—
Winter break had barely ended when I returned to campus at the beginning of the new year.
The cold breeze still felt so strong even though spring was right in the corner that I had to tighten my coat while I paced down the slippery sidewalk towards the rendezvous spot. Taehyung had to repeatedly look over his shoulder to make sure that I was still following him close behind and that I hadn't slipped away without him noticing. It was partly my fault that he got worried. Simply because I kept refusing his help each time he tried to hold my hand as we walked down the icy sidewalk on our not so sufficient boots. But I also knew that he could barely hold his own, which had been the reason why I didn't want to become a burden.
Not when I was supposed to be here to give him the support he needed.
I looked up to notice that we were getting close to the east side plaza, where the largest park in the campus' vicinity was located and also where people were gathering for the event. Loud voices and excited chatters were heard just when we were coming up around the corner, while Taehyung's gaze looked both amused and nervous when he looked over to me for the last time.
He waited for me right before we went there. This time, I reached out for his hand and held on tightly. "You okay?"
"Fine, just nerves," he said, shrugging, acting like it was no big deal. But I knew him, both in this lifetime and in the previous one, enough to know that he was blanketing his emotions and thoughts from me. And yet, I only chose not to push him too much about it and tried to have him think of other things instead.
"Okay, now remind me again why we came all the way here? Classes won't start until the end of the month," I asked him, just when a series of laughter was heard from the plaza. "And why the hell did they choose to meet up out here anyway? It's fucking cold."
Taehyung chuckled as he watched me wrapped my arms around myself and tugged me to come and walk with him, huddling close to keep our bodies warm. "These people are volunteers who are interested to join the spring project. I heard that they wanted to gather as many volunteers as they could get before everyone gets swamped with classes and assignments," he began talking as he guided the two of us to join the crowd.
As we came up to the plaza, the place had already been filled with students, all wrapped up in thick winter coats and sweaters, all rubbing their hands together to keep themselves warm. But everyone shared the same wide eyes and bright, excited faces as they waited for the event to start. Everyone was standing together, facing the stage at the center. I kept on watching the people around us as Taehyung led us to the middle ground, all while sharing everything there was to know about the event.
This project was held by the local social acts group formed by students from the Social Studies and Medical Faculty, with some of Taehyung's seniors whom he had grown close to leading the group. They always held their annual community service to help children or elders in need, and Taehyung had been involved in them a few times through the past year that he had probably grown accustomed to all of this.
Most of the work that he had done had mostly involved children, since that had been his main interest for his studies. But early winter, he had joined the service to provide coals and firewoods for elders and poor families who lived in isolated areas. For the past year, Taehyung had enjoyed doing this service and charity work because it had made him happy, it had given him a purpose and new goals to achieve, while opening a way for his future career.
In a different lifetime, being involved with this cause had only served as a form of escape.
And it was what had brought him far, far away from me until the day the bridge between us finally burned for good. All driven from the hurt that I had caused him.
"What's the goal for the spring project, then?" I asked him just when he found us an empty spot with the perfect view towards the stage. The cold didn't feel as harsh now as we stood between these people, but Taehyung still wrapped his arm around my shoulders and held me close to keep me warm.
"That's what we're all here for. The group always chooses their project from the ideas that they collect from their members or other volunteers, then chooses a captain to lead according to what kind of social service or charity they are doing. They haven't decided what they were going to be working on this spring. Looking from all of these people gathering here, I'm guessing it's going to be a big one. They've never had this many people being interested to join."
"Maybe this is for the project that you wanted to sign up so badly before? The one they said they were going to send volunteers to the southern hemisphere?" I asked him, reminded of his wish to join the volunteer work that may give him a chance to travel to places while continuing his study.
Taehyung shook his head. "I don't know. It could be. They haven't really announced anything for that one either."
I was about to say something, asking him more about this group and the organisation behind its cause, when a few people stepped up to the stage. One of the female leaders took the microphone and began to greet everyone who was present, applauding people who had come even in the cold. But I barely paid any attention to a word she said when I followed Taehyung's gaze and saw him standing there with the other members of the volunteer group.
"There he is. Namjoon is always there with them. He's been made captain on the last few projects that we've worked on," he said, sounding almost distractedly as he watched Namjoon conversing with his friends on stage. I had to admit, the man really was attractive. His whole presence oozed confidence and his demeanour showed me that he was a smart man. Smart enough to be extremely persuasive. A dimple showed on his face when he smiled, and his laughter echoed through the stage, almost rivalling the MC's voice as she continued to speak.
"Has he approached you yet?" I asked.
Taehyung shrugged. "He's been a bit friendly, but that's about it."
"Is that why I'm here? To make sure that you would have someone to remind you to consider things before signing up?" I turn to look at him, waggling my brow to tease him a little.
This time, Taehyung turned to me and snickered. "Well, you know what they said. The only way for someone to avoid getting swayed by a handsome looking guy who happens to be an extremely persuasive man is to have your childhood crush standing right with you."
"Whatever you say," I said, chuckling as he tightened his arm around my shoulders and pulled me close. Neither of us said a thing as we listened to the MC spoke, before she finally handed the microphone to Namjoon, who became the one to talk about the project and let the volunteers learn more about the system, the plans, and how to sign up.
We shared nothing more but a bittersweet feeling while we were entranced as we listened to Namjoon speak, holding each other the way we never could in another life we shared.
We didn't only come here to admire this man or to only see what today was all about, but to simply find answers. To slowly connect the dots and put the puzzle pieces together to fill the blanks, just so we could lay down every part of that other lifetime for us to understand where did everything went wrong.
There had been parts of the past, faces and names of the people that had become a part of my previous life that I could not recall or draw from my jumbled memory so easily. I may have seen or felt their presence in those memories, but some of them had appeared in my dreams merely as blurry shadows, faceless figures, people whose voice only came to me as if they had been submerged underwater.
Kim Namjoon was one of the missing pieces of the puzzle that had caused a rift in my friendship with Taehyung in another lifetime. In my memory, he was nothing but a nameless shadow, one that I feared and hated almost as much as the painful parts I shared with Jungkook from the past life. It took Taehyung finding him to help me remember everything—who he was, what he had done, and everything that happened then—all the broken memories had been unravelled the day Taehyung had first introduced me to this man sometime last semester.
And the reminder of who he was had come in the right time, because he had already become a part of Taehyung's life through these activities he had been involved in. Because just like how it happened in the past life, Kim Namjoon was the one who had convinced Taehyung to join their movement.
The only difference now was that Taehyung had me by his side. That Taehyung had not been wounded when they first met.
In the past life, Kim Namjoon had come into Taehyung's life when Taehyung needed someone to look up to, when Taehyung needed a friend and guidance while I kept on pushing him away, leaving him in the blind and completely alone. In that part of our lives, the man had come in at the right time, right when my best friend was completely vulnerable. And he had eased his way in so easily, filling the void in Taehyung's life, saying all the right words and showing all the right things to have Taehyung follow him wherever he would go. What had started as a good cause to give Taehyung a purpose in life, it had ended leading him to get involved with the bad crowd, to join the bad business that Namjoon was secretly building behind his gentle smile and manipulative ways of making people around him feel special.
Taehyung had loved him with his wounded heart, and he had given the man everything. Only to have Namjoon suck his heart and soul dry, before tossing him away once he was done with him.
And I was not there to catch him when he fell.
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"So what do you think? Are you going to join this one?"
The gathering event had ended two hours ago, and now we were heading towards the coffee shop where I had been working part-time for the past few months. Taehyung had insisted to walk me there despite his dorm being located in the opposite direction, saying that he was worried that I would slip if I had gone alone. After all the trouble we had by walking through the icy road and the slippery sidewalks this morning, I had no reason to argue. And I also knew that he only wanted to spend some more time with me before he had to leave for his part-time job, so I just let him be.
Ever since we watched Namjoon's speech, Taehyung had been left in a daze. He had always reacted this way whenever he saw Namjoon. I was never quite sure whether it was due to my warnings regarding the man or if he had truly developed some sort of a crush or perhaps grown the same hero worship that he had for the man the same way he did in the different lifetime.
"I'm not sure yet," he finally said. "Even if the cause is going to be just around the city, I don't think I can make it if they're starting around the same time my classes are starting over."
His reasoning had made complete sense. But deep down, I also knew that he was lying. He was conflicted. I could feel it. And he was trying so much to hold back from whatever it was that had been bothering him.
Once Namjoon was done with his speech and the event presentation on stage, he had come down to approach Taehyung while the other students had started lining up to join the cause. He had pulled us both to the side, persuading us personally.
"It wouldn't be as tiring as the one we did last time. We're only visiting some of the schools at the neighbouring towns. We're going to give classes, lend some care for the kids, do some health check-up, while the group from the Engineering Faculty will be there to help with technicalities, like building new facilities or fix old structures that didn't survive the winter," Namjoon had told the both of us, pretty much summarising his own presentation on stage to make sure that he would point out all the compelling factors to appeal Taehyung. "You've always enjoyed working on any causes that involve children, so I'm sure this would be perfect for you. Not to mention, we'll be getting extra credits for each movement we make this semester with the faculty supporting us through funds and getting us sponsors."
I could tell that he was getting through to Taehyung when I saw my best friend watching him with wide eyes. But I had been focusing more on Namjoon, letting my own curiosity and wonder get to me. And for someone who appeared so open, so enticing, and one whose main job was to approach people, Kim Namjoon was hard to read.
My memories of him had been nothing but scraps. It had seemed that in my other life, I had no opportunity to know him in person as he was merely a part of Taehyung's world once our friendship fell apart and we became worlds apart. This time, I had more opportunities to know this man in person. Still, the only things I had come to know about him had only come from Taehyung.
The only thing I knew about him was that he was a year senior from us, focusing on Medical Studies to become a neurosurgeon. He was a brilliant student, had always come with the highest grade in his year, and he had been active in great causes to help people.
None of that information had ever told us the reason why everything fell apart for Taehyung when they began doing all of their causes together. We only knew that in the past life, Taehyung had gone away with him to a place far away, never to return until everything had been much too late. We just never knew when and how, and I knew that this was the reason why Taehyung had been so afraid to take the risk.
"Remember what you said to me back then, before I met Jimin? Back when I was too scared to even go out and have fun?" I asked him as we continued to walk in silence. The coffee shop had appeared on sight, so I knew that this would be the only chance I could ever be able to say this.
"No, I don't. What did I say?"
I turned to him. "You told me to be cautious, but not too cautious that I don't get to live and enjoy the present," I said. "I know you're worried about the risk of getting close to him without knowing what exactly happened to you in the past after you got together with him, but I know that you enjoy doing these things. So just go for it. If you do it, I'll be there to join you so you won't have to be there alone."
Taehyung smiled at me as he listened to my promises. I could tell that he was relieved to hear it. "You would?"
"Didn't I promise that I would never let anything come between us? Not this time," I told him, reminding him all the promises that I had made back then when we found out that one of the many reasons why our lives had fallen apart was because neither of us was there for the other.
I had made a promise that I would never let that happen again. That I would never let him stray away from my life. No matter what. In a different life, I may have left him to fend for himself. This life had to be different. This time, we had each other.
"Right, okay," he said, nodding to himself while sighing deeply. The frown that he had carried with him ever since we left the campus' plaza disappeared when he looked at me. In its place came a smile, and a pair of eyes so bright it made me believe that he would be able to conquer everything if he wanted to.
"Thanks for coming with me this morning," he said, giving me a side hug as we continued our walk.
"You know I don't mind it. We haven't been spending too much time together lately," I told him as I leaned to him.
For the past few months, both of us had been busy focusing on our own lives. While my relationship with Jimin was blossoming, Taehyung was busy tackling different challenges in his life. We haven't been spending a lot of time with each other the way we used to aside from the time we spent when we went back to our hometown together during the holidays, yet another reason why I had wanted to do this with him.
Despite our busy lives, things had been completely different still.
At least this time, he was still there, and he had yet to disappear from my life. Even if we couldn't see each other, all we needed to do was to pick up the phone and we would be there for each other even through the distance.
"We're still on for tonight, right?" he asked me just as we arrived at the coffee shop.
"Absolutely. Are you picking me up here once my shift ends?"
"Yeah. I might stop by at the library to drop some books, but I'll come to get you right after," he said, before giving me a hug as he said goodbye.
"Alright then. See you later."
I stood in front of the coffee shop for a while longer, watching him walk away until he disappeared right around the corner on his way to the daycare center he had been working at. The coffee shop wasn't too crowded when I walked in, with the majority of the students had yet to return on campus after the long winter break.
But that soon changed the moment my shift began, right when the rush of the lunch hour started. Students and workers from the nearby offices came in, forming a long line only minutes after I had taken over the cashier. The rush lasted for a little over an hour, much shorter than the regular hustle that would no doubt begin the moment the next term started at the end of the month.
Even if I had been out and active since early morning, I served the patrons with a smile on my face. Before I knew it, the line of customer started to dwindle. By the time I served the last patron, my back was sore and my legs were tight, but something was telling me that I wasn't supposed to take a break yet. So I stayed behind the counter while my co-worker for the day—the only one there since many of the other staff had yet to return from their holiday—turned to ask if he could take a quick break while there was no customer coming in.
"I'm going to take a quick smoke break, is that okay? We can switch once I'm back," he said, already in the middle of untying his apron to avoid getting some smoke on it.
"Sure, no problem. I got it handled."
I turned back to check on my phone once he was gone, taking my time to reply to some messages that I got from Jimin who was asking about my day and my plans for the night. I had just pressed the send button when the bell at the front door chimed behind me, but it took me a few seconds too long to put my phone away before a deep voice called out.
"Excuse me. Can I make an order?"
I turned around to greet the new customer. But the moment I saw him, my body went frozen stiff and my head began to spin.
I had never met this person before. And yet, I remembered him.
Each time I tried to reclaim my memories, there was a void where someone was supposed to be a part of. There was a presence that was constant in almost every part of my painful memories. Yet aside from everyone that I had remembered so far, this person had always been nothing but a shadow, a faceless entity that was there, but never completely solid.
But the moment I saw him standing there, right on the other side of the counter, waiting for me to take his orders, his face brought all the missing pieces together. All the blurry images I had been seeing in my dreams came to me in flashing moments, so quick, so random, but far more clearly than how they all had been. His face filled all of those empty voids. His face, his eyes, his small smile, they replaced the faceless man who had been there by my side through all of the hurt, through all of my journeys.
In those dreams, in those flashing memories that I had been getting, I could never see the face of the man who was holding my hand while I was fighting for my life. And at that moment, as I was looking straight into this customer's eyes, his face was all I see being there by my side.
He was there.
He was always there.
"Um—hello?"
The man waved his hand right in front of my face with an amused look, snapping me right out of my stupor.
"Oh, uh—yes, hi. Sorry, what can I get you?" I questioned him, unable to hold back the nervous chuckle that came bubbling out. Thankfully, he only smiled.
"I'll have a cup of espresso and a bagel," he said, only after taking a moment perusing through the menu placed above the counter.
My fingers were shaking when I was placing his orders into the cashier machine, so I kept my eyes down to make sure I wasn't making a mistake. "Right. To go?"
He hummed softly and looked around. "Um—no, I think I'll take them here."
"Okay," I said, taking a moment to finish up his orders. "Thank you. You can take a seat or wait on the counter. We'll call your name once your order is ready."
"Yeah, okay. My name is—"
"Yoongi," I blurted out before he could even finish. For some reason, just like how his face filled all the missing puzzle, his name just came into my head as if I had known him my whole life.
When I saw his eyebrows came up to his forehead, I knew then that he was just as surprised as I was. "What? Have we met?"
"Um, well—" I began to stutter while my brain seemed to just stop working indefinitely. So I only said the first thing I could think of as an excuse, "You're pretty well known. I mean, my friends know you. I just suddenly remember your name."
Well, at least that was not a complete lie. I was pretty sure that perhaps some of my friends would know him, and I did just remember his name.
He looked at me with a frown, not looking entirely convinced, but he said nothing of it when he handed me his cash to pay for his orders. "Right, well. That's me. I'm Yoongi."
"Of course," I said, avoiding his gaze as I put his money in. "I'll call you when your coffee is ready."
His eyes lingered on me for a few seconds, filled with curiosity and probably a bunch of other questions, but he only nodded. "Thanks," he said to me as he walked to the other side of the counter, leaving me feeling lightheaded.
Everything seemed to be colliding together right at the same time. The final missing pieces of the puzzle were coming to place one at a time. As if the whole universe was trying to shove everything to my face, though I really had no idea just what it was trying to tell me.
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