—Present life. Blue Smoker's Pub, year 2017—
Song Companion: Forgive Me - City & Colour
My jaw fell slack, and I lost my words yet again.
"And I will be here, always. So whenever you decide to let him go or when you finally realise that you and your sweet lover aren't meant to be together, I'll be there for you," he said, growing more and more firm and emotional the more he spoke before stopping all so suddenly. His eyes moved away just as he was about to speak some more, flickering away from my face to look over my shoulder. He seemed surprised for the briefest of moments, a crease was formed on his eyebrows, before his gaze softened with recognition, which turned into a mix of confusion and anger.
They were all gone in a second when he looked at me again. "You're staying for the show, right? I'll be playing a song just for you. Enjoy your night, ______."
He pushed himself off of his seat without waiting for my answer, only giving me one last promise before he walked away. "All I want for you is to be happy. And I'm the one who knows how to make sure of it."
I was completely at lost for words, too stunned to react or to move that all I could do was watch his retreating back as he walked towards the backstage area. Everything around me felt like they were covered in a haze, the sounds became white noise while all movements stilled as my heartbeat continued to pound and my mind continued to reel over everything he just said to me. I was too lost in my shock that I didn't notice someone coming into my booth until his voice startled me.
"Is that him?"
My head snapped around to find Taehyung standing right beside me. Only that he was not looking at me as he asked me the question. He was looking straight at Jungkook's back until the sight of him disappeared, blending in with the crowd lounging around the stage.
"Yeah," I muttered softly. "That's him. That was Jungkook."
"Were you talking to him just now?" he asked, still not looking at me. And now I was stunned at the hostility in his tone of voice as he regarded Jungkook, even when the guy was no longer on sight.
"I was. I just wanted to clear out some misunderstandings," I told him, wincing when I couldn't even believe my own words.
Taehyung said nothing for a while and only sighed. "Right," he muttered, just as the tension on his body slowly dissipated. He finally turned to look at me then and took a seat, choosing a different chair from the one Jungkook had been sitting on.
I let him take his time to order drinks—an apple daiquiri for himself, since he had started to detest the taste of beer after having a beer meltdown during a party last semester, and a refill of rum and coke for me—while I took my time to settle down my thoughts. There was nothing I could do to wipe away the feeling that Jungkook had ignited in me through his words, from his solid promises and the look in his eyes when he bared himself for me.
"What did you talk about?" Taehyung spoke after taking a sip of his sweet drink, an odd choice for a male if a person didn't know him as much as I did.
"Like I said, we were clearing out some misunderstanding," I said, lifting my glass to hide my lips and stop myself from telling him about the confession that Jungkook had just thrown at me. Taehyung had already spent the last few weeks being mad at Jungkook after I had told him about the kiss. He didn't need to know that Jungkook was thinking way more than just giving me a friendly kiss. "He's different."
"That's not what I was asking. But who am I to judge a person I know nothing about?" Taehyung calmly said, though it still felt like a stab right to my chest.
For some reason, it got me feeling spiteful about it. Enough to turn things against him and asked, "Is he different?"
Taehyung raised his eyebrows. "Namjoon?" he questioned me, possibly already guessing that I was trying to put the spotlight on him so I could reign his anger down, and to stop him from making me feel guilty.
"I'm not sure yet. But you know what I think about these things. About fate. I know that you are the one re-living things. But it doesn't mean I'm not going to change a few things myself," he said with a low voice, looking down on his glass with wonder in his eyes. Then his lips twisted into a wry grin. "He's still a hunk, though."
His comment made me laugh and the tension between us faded.
Looking at my best friend, I suddenly felt glad that I had made a few changes in our lives already even from the very first beginning. I kept looking back to the memories I had of our past lives, our past relationship, and had been relieved that one of the first steps I took in order to make a difference and to fix things was to lay things out in the open.
In the past, Taehyung had been so selfless that he kept putting me first above himself. In order to protect me and my heart, he hid behind his imaginary closet and masked his own identity, which in the end, had led him to hide his problems away from me while I was dealing with mine. He kept his secrets so well, letting me dwell in my own life problems and be blinded to all the misery and pain that he had to go through while he was also fighting to protect me from getting hurt.
That was the reason for our fallout, that I looked past his hurt because I was so engrossed in my own pain that I failed to see him through his secrets. The secrets that wouldn't have been revealed until years later, when he found himself entangled in a jumbled mess caused by a certain someone. And that someone was the handsome, sweet-talking senior who Taehyung had been infatuated and had a relationship with in secret without ever having been able to tell me about it.
That was the first change I made. I confronted his secrets the same week I revealed my suspicion that I had woken up after living in the future. He probably wouldn't have truly believed me if I didn't expose him of his secrets then.
"Alright, enough talk about life-ruining, troublemaking males," he said, giving out an exasperated sigh and turned his attention to the bag which I had placed on the empty seat beside me.
"So, what do we know about those?" he asked me, pointing on the stack of notebooks peeking from the top of my tote bag. "Still a bit weird to be talking about this in such a place. We're supposed to be filling this table with glasses of drinks and bottles of beer instead of books. People will only have to take one look at us looking through these and wonder how the hell the pub has changed into a place for study groups."
"The library was closed," I said, raising my brows at him, before I then admitted, "And I wanted you to see him."
Taehyung scoffed. "Fine. I'm looking. I don't know what I'm looking at," he looked around lazily without showing any interest to even try to find him.
"Taehyung," I sighed.
"Forgive me for being a bit biased, ______. But your memories weren't exactly all sunshine and rainbows when they came to that guy," he said, before he stopped and made a face when he remembered something. "Well, not always."
I nodded solemnly, and decided to change the topic once again since Jungkook was not on sight anyway. Not after he had left his seat earlier. "About the notebook—" I started, holding the tote bag down on the chair before I could begin showing the notes that I had brought with me.
"Don't hate me on this—" I said cautiously while pointing a finger at him, "—but I tore up the pages."
He looked at me incredulously and hissed, "You did what?"
I pulled one book out of the bag, showing him how I had torn apart the pages, rearranging it as how I thought they should look like. "I arranged them to show a proper timeline out of the memories and dreams that seemed to link to one another. This one is pretty much from what I remember of one lifetime. Taken from sometime in the past—or future, depends on how you're seeing it."
I pulled out another and placed it on the table. "This one is the second."
"Wait—" Taehyung stopped, looking back and forth between the two notebooks and began to flip through the pages. His eyes widened when he saw what he had found. I knew that he could tell what this all meant but he asked anyway. "What are you trying to tell me?"
"That you were right," I said. "This didn't happen to me just once. Taehyung, I had gone through this a couple of times. Not just once, like I had thought before. These recurring dreams and jumbled memories didn't come to me from one past lifetime. They're different lifetimes, different periods—" I told him, before m voice few small, "—with almost the same outcome."
For the next hour, we kept our head down, our backs hunching over the table as we flipped through the notebooks. I showed him everything that I had found during the late nights I spent putting all the pieces back together until every puzzle pieces that had once made no sense to us were finally falling into place.
Gathering up what I could find and remember, I told him everything that I knew had come from my true memories, all that came merely as dreams and failed hopes. I showed him everything that had happened to me. To us. And everything that I had lost.
"If I don't play my cards right, I will lose him again," I muttered softly, both to myself and to him, when on each and every piece of the memory I gathered had shown only one thing.
That no matter what I had done, no matter what path I had chosen, I would only have Jimin slipping away from me in the end.
"What are you planning to do now?"
"What can I do?" I whined, suddenly feeling desperate and helpless. "I'd like to believe that I have done something right but what could possibly guarantee that it will make any difference?"
Taehyung gritted his jaw as he looked back and forth between those notes and my face. He reached out, closing the book I was holding and looked straight into my eyes. "What do you want to do?"
"I want to do what's right," I answered him with a small voice. I suddenly felt as if there was a hole underneath my feet and there would be nothing to stop me from falling under, no matter what path I would choose. But then, I remembered Jimin's smile, Jimin's kisses, the way he made me feel safe and loved and how much my heart swelled and filled with warmth with just the thought of him. I pressed a palm over my chest, knowing that I could never survive to live a life without him. Not after what I had gone through.
"Just the thought of losing Jimin makes my chest hurt."
Taehyung leaned forward, forcing me to look at him in the eyes. "Which one do you feel stronger—the love you have for him, or the fear of losing him?"
His words had me stunned, and I found myself unable to answer that all I could do was look at him in despair.
Just then, the sound of an acoustic guitar came on to the speaker, followed by the sweet voice that had my stomach churning and my heart beating in a way that hurt. I looked over to the stage, meeting Jungkook's eyes as he began singing his tune—
'I'll cross my heart and hope to die
Before I have the chance to lie
To you, my dear, who I wish no harm
But I know in the end this will turn out wrong
See I've been known to fall in love
But sometimes love just is not enough
And my heart will stray before too long
So please forgive me for when I sing this song'
Taehyung left the pub first before Jimin ever got here. Though he didn't leave without giving me his last words—telling me to take my time and reminding me that perhaps the answer didn't lie in the past, but in the present.
His words got me thinking deeper about our talk. So deep that it had me rooted in my seat long after we had cleared out the table from all the notes and Taehyung was probably long gone.
I was still in a daze when Jimin finally came, finding me still sitting there and looking at nothing when he wrapped an arm around me.
"Babe? Hey—" Jimin called me gently when I still didn't respond to him. The moment I realised it, he had lowered his head and leaned closer, a concerned look covered his face when I met his eyes. "Is everything okay? I called your name and you didn't even hear me."
My eyes grew wide. "Oh—I'm sorry, I just," I turned away, drinking the remaining drink to try and dislodge the thick lump that was growing in my throat. "Sorry, I didn't mean to make you worried. I just spent an hour talking to Taehyung, and after having a long day, I think my mind went all over the place that I didn't realise—"
"Hey," he stopped me by tipping at my chin and laid a kiss on my cheek. Then a deep frown formed on his face as he took in the sight of me, noticing my rattled state before I even began feeling it. "It's alright. Are you tired? Maybe we should just go home."
"No!" I nearly jumped on his lap to stop him, but clutched the lapels of his jacket instead. His ability to catch on with my moods were both a blessing and a curse and I hated that he could see my agitation. "Please, don't. I've been waiting all day to spend the night with you. I know that you've planned the night already and I'd hate to ruin it," I pleaded with a pout. I really meant what I said. I had been expecting to go on this date with him and the last thing I wanted was to have my emotions getting in the way.
Jimin's frown slowly turned into relief and he gave me a warm smile. "I've been waiting to be alone with you as well. And I've made plans for us that would make you happy. But we'll only go if you really mean it and if you're really okay," he said, smiling as he leaned closer to me.
"I do mean it, Jimin," I whispered to him as I met him halfway so he could gently kiss my lips, my hands clutching on his jacket to hold on tightly.
The moment our lips touched, my whole body melted into a puddle. Every sense in my body came alive, and even the shadows clouding my mind faded until everything else came clear. The kiss made me yearn for more that I pressed into him, returning his kiss until I could feel his smile growing against my lips. His tongue grazed at my upper lip and I let him in, my palm rested on his chest to feel his heartbeat and it coaxed me to give in to him further.
Yet I caught myself before the kiss grew too deep, as the rational part of me reminded me of where we were.
"Wow," he breathed out as we pulled apart, pressing our foreheads together as we both took deep breaths. "Okay, then. I guess our date is still on, huh?" he chuckled. "Should we get out of here? The place is packed and we need to get going so we won't be out too late."
"Yeah," I answered him breathlessly, still trying to reign my heart to stop beating so hard.
Jimin kissed my forehead one last time before he pulled me up from my seat. Hand in hand, we made our way out of the pub, slipping through the growing patrons who were dancing to the music and standing between tables until we finally made it to the front exit.
But then he suddenly stopped just before the exit, when somebody came into our path, blocking our way.
I looked up just as Jimin tightened his grip on my hand and pulled me back. His gaze looked murderous as he stared straight into our intruder, which was no other than Jungkook. Meanwhile, Jungkook only stood there, glancing briefly at me before he returned Jimin's threatening gaze with his smug smile.
"So we meet again," Jungkook said, crossing his arms over his chest. His eyes looked down to find our entangled hand and I could see it when his jaw twitched with anger. A glimpse of hurt and jealousy flashed through his gaze before he looked at Jimin and his fiery gaze returned.
Jimin forced a smile, but I could feel the tension rising between them as their gazes stayed firmly on each other. Even if I could not see it, I could feel by how Jimin was tightening his hold on my hand and how the tension came out rolling from his whole body. "And so we have," he finally said to Jungkook, clenching his jaw briefly before he started to speak again. "It seems that no matter where I go, you will always come around and show up unannounced, getting in my way."
What?
Jungkook sneered and stood tall in front of Jimin. "There's where you're wrong. She came to me. Maybe it's time you realise that no matter what happens, she'll bound to find me and there is nothing you could do to stop her from running back to me."
I looked back and forth between Jungkook and Jimin, completely aghast at the sudden rise of aggression and hostility coming from them. And neither of them was showing any sign of backing down. Meanwhile, my throat was clogged, all words and reaction were stuck inside me as I was left questioning to myself,
What the hell is going on?
And what the hell did he mean by that?