—First life. Jung Family's Residence, year 2027—
I somehow found my way to the nearest powder room. Just in time when the aching pain on my back had become too unbearable to push away and for the bile rising inside my chest to press up. I was losing control over my body thanks to the massive rage I still had in me. And right at the time I entered the room, I started throwing up almost immediately, nearly missing out the toilet if only I had not pushed myself on the floor with the remaining energy I had left.
My legs lost their power after I cleaned up all the mess that I could barely rise up from the floor, until my hands reached the counter and I was able to use it as leverage to push myself up. I held on tight, cursing at my weakness and focusing on pushing away the excruciating pain. My eyes were closed tight that I could barely notice anything happening around me. Aside from the painful throbs happening on my whole body and the way everything seemed to be spinning around me.
And I certainly did not notice that my stepmother had opened the door which I had failed to lock, allowing her to find me in that current state.
"______! What is going on?" she leapt forward to catch me right when my hands were starting to lose their grip and I was slipping down to fall again. Her hands found their way to grab my waist, holding me up as much as she could until I found my balance, before helping me to stand straight. "Are you alright? What's wrong?"
"Nothing. I'm fine."
"You don't look fine. Let me get you some water."
She reached for my back, accidentally touching my spine with her palm as she helped steady me up, allowing me to flinch when her touch landed right at where I was hurting most. She went stiff when she felt how my body was reacting and how a soft hiss came out of my lips. I felt her setting her curious eyes on me without saying nothing at first. I tried to look away and push myself off of her, only to be stopped by her hands that had reached out to grab my arm.
"______. Tell me what is going on."
With one of my hands still resting on the counter and the other clenched on my side, I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath before forcing myself to relax. I remembered perfectly how she came into our lives, remembered that she was also present back when everything crumbled into messy pieces. And I knew there was no way for me to hide it from her. If there was anyone who would know what was going on, it would be her. Because she had witnessed something similar happening in this house once.
After a moment of contemplating, I decided to give in and let her know the truth. Besides, I might be needing her help to leave this small room anyway, now that I could no longer trust my own legs to hold my weight. I leaned onto the counter, propping my weight on my palms, making sure that I would be able to stand up without having to put my weight on her. And then I started telling her everything—about my illness, about my fight, and why I decided to come tonight.
"This is the real reason why I am here, Kara," I told her with a sigh, still not able to look at her as I spoke. "I'm sick. And I need Dad's help. I figured it would be best if I come here myself, talk to him about it in person rather than by phone while trying to see if I could give us a chance. To see if I can mend something, fix things somehow. But I guess I should just forget about it. I'm sorry you had to witness that fight, and to see—this. I knew I shouldn't have come here."
"No, you shouldn't leave like this," she firmly said to me, holding tightly and delicately at the same time. "You are not in the condition to just leave. Where are you going to stay for the night? You are here now, so you shouldn't just give up. Besides—your father deserves to know."
I looked at her, meeting her eyes that were still staring at me with concern. "And how am I supposed to tell him? Or ask him about it?" I asked her. My voice came out desperate out of exhaustion and dread that I felt. "You saw what happened. I could never talk to him, or have a decent conversation with that man. He never listens to me. He never listens to anyone. And I could never talk to him without wanting to explode."
"He's a hard-headed one, indeed. But he had lost your Mom and he had been beating himself over losing you in the past," Kara pleaded while holding my hand.
I only shook my head and scoffed, "Well, he sure is showing that pretty damn well."
"You know how terrible he is in showing his emotions," she said with a bitter chuckle, and I looked over at her to see her sad look. I had to admit that I couldn't help but admire her for staying with my father for so long, even after all that had happened. After all that was said and done in the past. She took a deep breath and tried her best to reassure me, "He will listen this time. I will make sure of it. I'll be there with you when you face him. I will not let you face him alone. Not this time. I'm not losing you again."
Tears brimmed on the corners of my eyes for her words, for the way I was reminded of the day when I left. When I hurt her. I pushed myself off the counter and instantly wrapped my arms around her, hugging her tightly as I whispered, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I hurt you when I left."
We both cried in that hug, and she whispered to me, "No, everything had been all my fault all this time. I'm sorry I had failed you. You and your Mom. You were the one who has been hurting the most."
We stayed there longer as we held each other tight, embracing our wounded hearts as we forgive ourselves and each other for the past we were finally able to leave behind.
Kara helped me walk out of the powder room, and we made our way out as careful as we possibly could heading towards the dining room, expecting to find both men who we had left behind still waiting for us there. I had told Kara that I was able to walk on my own, but she was too worried about my wellbeing now that she understood what was going on, that she would not let me go or let me out of her sight.
I felt deeply remorseful for her attention and care, regretting that we went through a rough patch in the past. As we were taking that long and slow walk down the hallway to find them, flashes of the past came into my mind, taking me back to those moments in my life when everything fell apart-the day when I found out about my mother, the day when I found out about Kara and my father, and the day when I came back to my family right when my father announced his plan of marrying Kara.
I had to admit that I did some faults on my own, that I had said and done things that had hurt everyone when I left this family. But I was hurting, and nobody seemed to be on my side, leaving me cornered and alone, and unable to defend myself. And I had to admit that there were many hurtful things I said to her. The guilt came rushing into me when I found out that after all what had been said and one, after all these years, she had never hated me back. Glancing at her by my side, watching her doing her best to take care of me had me silently wishing that I could change how that day had turned out, to change the path for both of our lives, perhaps, so nothing would have fallen apart the way it had.
But I guess there was nothing else I could about it now, right?
We found the dining room void of their presence when we got there, but the faint sound of their arguments had let us know where they were. Kara glanced at me with a concerned look on her face, not sure if we should interrupt their conversation when we could hear what they were fighting about.
The one thing I hated most in my life was having to face confrontations, on all sorts of things. And to imagine that I would have to face my father once again while he was in this situation scared the hell out of me. But I had no other choice. I could not let Hoseok face his anger on his own, or to take the blow for what I had brought upon this house for returning here.
"Take me there. Let's get this over with," I asked Kara as we both exchanged worried stare. She tried to reassure me about facing him before helping me walk towards the living room, where we saw my father standing by the fireplace with a glass of liquor in his hand while Hoseok stood across the room in distress.
Neither of them noticed us as we carefully entered the room, catching how Hoseok pleaded my father desperately, "Why do you have to be so hard on her? She had gone through so much, just as much as we have, perhaps even more. Can't you please at least try—or give her a chance to try without pushing her away like this?"
"What do you expect from that sister of yours? Why do you keep defending her? All she does is talk back when I try to talk sense out of her. She will never grow up, always so reckless and selfish. It's been years and look at her, she still acts like a child!"
Hoseok let out an exasperated sigh while clenching his hands and waving them around his head in desperation. "Dad, that's not—look, you don't understand what she's been through—"
"Oh, do I? Did I not warned her about that damn boy? Did I not told her how she would regret going back to him? Didn't you remember how your mother even asked her not to leave and how stubborn she was about it? And now look what happened!" My father was completely enraged as he responded, leaving me to grip harder on Kara's hand as we both shook in fear at the tension that filled the entire space between us. "I have always been right yet no one ever listens. Not you, not your sister—"
I heard enough.
"Why do you always have to blame other people instead of looking at your own fault?" I somehow found my voice in the midst of everything, allowing the words to come out before I ever meant it to. Yet for some reason, I sounded completely calm. But not as powerless as before. Perhaps I was too tired from expressing my rage before, or perhaps my anger vanished the moment my pain took over.
Hoseok turned to us when he noticed our presence. The way his eyes widened in shock with the following frown showed me that he noticed how I was in pain, but I gave him a quick glance to stop him from running to me.
Meanwhile, my dear father had not noticed a thing. He never did notice these things anyway.
"Oh, I'm sorry. So are we pointing fingers at me, now?" he scoffed as he turned to look at me. His eyes glared with rage, the same look that terrified me for years and held me silent in fear as a child. The terrified chill was there as I saw them again. But this time, I could stare at him back without wanting to run away. "You have only been back less than a day and look at what happens now. A mess. This whole family is a fucking mess!"
"Honey, please listen to her—" Kara tried to speak, only to have my father waving his hand to dismiss her.
"I already told you, he wouldn't listen," I gently told her, shaking my head in disbelief at how stubborn he was still and was ready to leave. But she stopped me. Her face looked even more determined when I saw her, and I somehow found strength from her presence.
"What would I not listen about, hmm?" he said in a taunting voice while chuckling bitterly. "All I have been trying to do is to keep this family from falling apart, but nobody would ever listen to me, so why should I? And what is this? Why am being cornered all of a sudden?" His voice slurred a little, not because he was drunk, but mostly for how his rage had taken over. Just the same way as it always did many years ago.
Some things never change, I pondered as I watched him swaying his glass as he pointed at the three of us before he pointed at me. "Okay, if you are not here to admit your childish behaviour and your cowardice of running away from home, then tell me what you are doing here? Did you come here to have everyone attacking me? Do you have a pleasure of reminding us all of all the pain you had put us in?"
Shaking my head bitterly one more time, I only mutter softly, "I actually thought we could both be mature enough to talk like normal human beings, like we actually have something—"
He laughed at me. "I actually thought you came here to apologise since your brother here promised that this visit would fix things in our family." He shook his head as his eyes wandered to look away. "I just want us to be a family, but you always have to make it so hard to do."
"Me? Apologise? Oh, right. Of course, I'm the one at fault," I told him. "I'm the one who pushed myself away from this family. Is that what you want to hear? Is that the only thing you wish to listen? Fine! There, I said it!"
My father only looked away, downing his drink before placing the empty glass with a loud thud above the fireplace. I knew he was angry because I had hurt his pride. Pride. The one thing we all had in common, but for him to own it the worst. He pinched the bridge of his nose as he inhaled a long deep breath, which I was guessing as his way of taking a moment before he continued to lash out at me. But I never gave him a chance to.
"If only you would listen to anyone in this family, then we would still be a normal happy family by now instead of this—whatever this mess is," I sighed, pushing myself a little to stand up straight so I could face him better as I continued to bring up the most painful memory of all. "I know I messed up when I made the choice of getting back to Jungkook, and even if I won't ever apologise for choosing to be with the man I loved, I would still apologise for hurting everyone with my choice. But if only you had actually listened back then instead of being your stubborn self, if only you had actually fight for this family, perhaps we wouldn't have lost everything when Mom died. Perhaps she wouldn't have to suffer—"
"You," he suddenly turned around, his fist tightening in front of him while one hand pointed straight at me. "You were the reason why your mother died."
"Dad!" Hoseok shouted to stop him, but he didn't let on—
"If only you didn't run back to that cursed boy. If only you didn't choose him over your family, your blood, then she wouldn't have spent her days and nights weeping and crying for losing you and she wouldn't have given up the fight. She would've had enough will to fight to survive."
It was painful to hear him speak. But it was more painful to remember my mother, her struggle, her pain, and the fact that my father never really knew what actually happened. His pride. His goddamn pride was the reason why he became so oblivious. Or perhaps he knew that he was at fault but had chosen to shut his eyes, his ears and mind instead so he could put the blame on his children? On me? I was too young to speak up then, but I had more strength to speak now.
"I do admit that I may be at fault for giving her the severe stress that had gotten her sick. But you were the one who was with her, Dad. And even before I even left the house the first time, Mom was already starting to get sick, but what did you do? You dismissed her by saying that she was being dramatic. And after that, you only aided her stress by putting the blame on her for letting me go, for not stopping me when I told everyone about going back to Jungkook, didn't you?"
I briefly closed my eyes as I remembered my mother. She had to bear her pain, her illness to herself, that by the time it was revealed that she was terribly ill, it was far too late for her to be cured. It was one of my biggest regret, the one that made me feel so guilty for leaving her in this house.
But there was another guilt that had been eating me up inside for years.
I took a deep breath before I continued, for the most painful truth was too hard to talk about. I was already shaking so hard, and so close to shed more tears, but I knew I had to reveal them. I had to open his eyes with the truth that he refused to see. "If I was really the only reason for her to give up her fight, then why did she kept calling me in the middle of the night and asked that she could come and live with me? Why did she keep asking for my help and asked for my permission to leave you?"
He stopped. Choking on his own words as he questioned me, "What do you mean—leave me? Leave this family?"
A sob was caught on my throat. And the first thing I did then was to look over at Kara. For years I was so angry and disappointed at her. Just enough to hate her, to blame her, and to have always imagined that I would reveal everything in front of her and my father just to hurt them. But after what she had done for me, for the many years she had never changed how she treated me, for all the things she had to sacrifice for her choices. Not knowing how much this secret and the guilt that followed had been eating her up inside just the same. And now, I was starting to feel guilty that I actually had to bring this up.
But she understood. This would be the only way he would listen to you, she told me before we left the powder room moments ago. It might open up some wounds but at least it would open up his eyes.
She gave me a nod, reminding me of our previous conversation and encouraging me with her gaze. I silently apologised to her before I turned back to face my father and revealed everything. All the secrets I had bared for many years. The real secret that had led me to run away from home and never turned back—
"Mom knew about your affair. She knew you were spending your time with her best friend instead of staying by her side while she was fighting for her life. If I was to blame for anything, then it should be only because I asked her to forgive you and promised her that I would make sure to have you end your sick affair if she would stay and fight. I was the reason she had chosen to stay with you. And that was the one thing that killed her. That was the reason why she wept at night, because she was crying over her husband that was never there when she woke up with pain in the middle of the night, and all through that, you had never allowed me to see her even when she was at wit's end. She never said anything to you because of me."
Everyone went silent after I spoke. My voice cracked with the amount of pain I had bared, and the sobs that were threatening to come out. My tears started to fall, and my hands were shaking like never before. But I felt lighter, felt like I could breathe better as I was freed from the secrets I had to keep and all the pain I had to face on my own.
"And for you to marry the woman who was responsible for her heartbreak was the reason why I never stayed. The real reason why I was too angry to face you and to hate everyone. That was the reason why I had chosen to stay with Jungkook, my damn husband, instead of you. I could never support your hypocrisy, Dad. Not when you cursed at Jungkook for what he had done yet you were doing the exact same thing behind our backs with not a single remorse."
My father stood frozen in the middle of the room. His lips trembled in shock while his eyes kept staring at me with an empty stare. I could hear Hoseok falling on the nearest seat, most possibly in too much shock for the revelation, while Kara held me tight from my side, whispering her apologies through her soft sobs.
"Now if you finally know how to actually listen for once without blaming everyone for everything happening around you, can you please give me my Mother's health records? That is the only thing I want and need from you, and I will soon be out of your life again once and for all. Just the way you want me to."