—St. Lucas Hospital, Special Treatment Room, year 2012. Day 10 of treatment—
"Reincarnation—the rebirth of a soul in another body."
"So I died, and then reincarnated into my own body, and restarted my life on my teenage years?"
It was another long and boring day at the hospital, and both Taehyung and I had been spending a whole two hours reading the books that he brought back from our school's library. Most of them were filled with different kinds of phenomenon known to the world—both nonfiction and fiction wise—along with some information that he found by browsing through the internet. Everything he could get that was somewhat related to my situation, all gathered together to be able to find the answers we needed to find.
Well, that, and we also had too many free time in the hospital.
"Do you feel like you've experienced death, or something like that?" He replied my previous question without looking away from his laptop. "And besides, you don't really get to choose which body that your soul will fall into, don't you?"
"Aren't reincarnation supposed to happen when I was being born? You said it yourself, it's a rebirth thing. I'm fifteen now."
"Hush—We're only stating all the options, aren't we?"
"Right," I answered him, going back to the book I had on my lap. "And don't you hush me, I was only making sure."
He ignored me, still busy scrolling through his laptop. "Well, even if we search everywhere it's impossible to find any news or stories on people experiencing it so we can't compare it to your case. I don't think there's any written testimony of it available anywhere. And also, what if you were reincarnated back to the day you were born, and you just remembered everything now?"
"Well, I guess it makes sense if we can't find any credible testimony anywhere. I don't think talking about who you are in your past life will sound sane anyway. Or perhaps people simply don't remember." I shrugged, impatiently flipping the pages from the book I was reading. "And no, I would think I'd remember if I have been living a second life all these years. If I have been going through it, I should have been living it and have tons of déjàvus before my memory jumps into remembering the future, don't I?"
Taehyung lifted his face, staring at me with the frown that had been on his face since we started. "As much as you have been giving me your classic wits and scepticism throughout this whole thing, what you just said now actually makes sense."
I scoffed. "It does? Wow. Yay me."
He only smiled at me, closing his laptop and putting it aside. "Well, I guess no matter how hard we try to find answers through these books and internet pages we'll never find anything."
"What?" I nearly squealed as he cleaned the mess we made on the bed with a sigh. "Are you giving up now?"
"Not really, I just figured that these are useless," he said, waving his arms around to point at the piles of books and papers around him. "Besides, you have been nothing but sceptical anyway, it's only making me more confused to figure out what to look for, you know."
I gave him a frustrated sigh. "I'm sorry if I seem that way. I just feel really annoyed and angry because I can't remember what's gotten me into this or why this is happening to me. And I'm also tired because my head keeps hurting when I try to think harder. I'm tired of trying to figure things out, and—"
"What if that's not the whole point for all of this? What if you're not meant to understand what happened and what's going on, and instead just live through it? To move on and embrace the chance you are given? You have been given a gift of a second chance in life, take it and enjoy everything. Maybe that is what you are supposed to have, if you did leap through time as we had thought you did."
A part of me was starting to admit the truth in his words as I looked into his eyes. Deep down I knew that perhaps looking for reasons would only waste my time and energy. So I decided to give in. I was too exhausted to carry on things anyway.
"You're right," I told him. "I just thought that I should at least remember how I got here to know how to fix things and have a better life. But I'm also tired of asking questions at myself."
I was tired of questioning if everything that was inside my head was real.
Taehyung lifted his hand to stroke my hair, showing how he understood the confusions I had, not knowing how he was also helping me ease the throbbing happening in my head. Not that I would tell him that I was in pain.
"Should we let your brother know about this?"
"No! He'll probably freak out. And you know how easily he gets worried about everything." I shook my head. Thinking how Hoseok would react if we ever let him know about all of this, knowing his reaction, only made me worry for his sake. "Well, either that—or he would probably think that my illness is only making me delusional. Or plain crazy."
"Yeah that's true," he chuckled. "He might also think we're plotting to prank him, you know. We kind of did that a lot before he moved out of your house, remember?"
I laughed, remembering some of those moments in our childhood where Taehyung and I had made up so many crazy stories which he fell for so easily, giving us chances to trick him into doing embarrassing things which gave us so many laughs while growing up.
"Those were good times," I sighed, feeling blessed on how those memories were still kept inside my mind, even when they felt so distant. "To be honest, I am still amazed at the fact that my best friend that once won't stop talking about sports and food is now a devoted nerd."
"At least you remember those," he chuckled, before going back to collecting his belongings and leaning back on his chair once he was done putting everything away. "Speaking of delusions—At first, I actually thought that perhaps you injured your head somehow, hence why you kept falling unconscious and repeatedly fainting. And you had a long dream about everything from the concoction. I think I read about it somewhere, about how when your head is severely injured, it gives you continuous headaches and starts you random images that seem real to your brains."
"Delusions, huh?" I asked him. "What if it is? What if this thing I have inside my brain is doing it for me? Giving me images that seem like memories, but they're not real. I mean, it can happen, right?"
He shrugged. "Who knows. This is still a huge mystery and my head is blowing with questions and theories, which I'm pretty sure you have too. But let's put them aside for now, alright? I still think that it's better that you accept that this is how your present life is going to be, and live in the moment."
"Yeah, I'm pretty much sure I'm not crazy now. And I guess you're right, I should just live through the whole thing. Perhaps time will answer everything." I put my hand on my head, rubbing gently on my temple as the annoying throbs started to come back. "I should also focus on what's going to happen in a much nearer future anyway."
"Are you worried about the surgery?"
"Shouldn't I be?" I glanced at him as he started to stroke my hair again. "These people are going to cut me open, and to think that the first thing I'm about to go through in this second life is being on an operating table, dealing with knives cutting my head while I'm unconscious is only giving me anxieties."
"I know you are, even if I can only imagine how you must be feeling about everything," he sighed, smiling at me. He started patting the pillow underneath me to help me get ready to go back to sleep once he saw me yawning. "That's why I'm gonna be here with you every step of the way."
"Thank you, Taehyung. You have no idea how much I appreciate everything you've done for me so far. Thank you for believing in me and listening to me for the past week."
"That's pretty much the only thing I can do for you," he said with a small smile, leaning back to his chair after I lied back on the bed. "I'm sorry I can't do more than lend you my brain, since I have no power to magically cure you or answer everything you want to know."
I hummed, having sleep slowly coming to take over me. "It's fine. I kind of feel bad about dragging you into all of this."
"Hey, you don't have to worry about me. Just focus on getting better. We'll be continuing our journey for answers once you are through with all of your treatments and out of this hospital, alright?"
I shifted on the bed, lying on my side so I could face him while we continued speaking. "What do you have in mind about what we should do after I'm better?"
He shrugged. "Like I said, you should relive your present life by how you remember going through them the first time. I'll be here to help you find answers and the things we need to avoid so you wouldn't be repeating all the dreadful future, I guess."
"I feel like things will be different once I get out of here. Being in this hospital and facing all of these things are already showing me those differences, cause I don't remember having any of this back in high school. At least, the first time I was in high school," I chuckled. "I don't think I would be having this in the first place if not because of what happened."
He looked up at the ceiling, a gesture I had become accustomed to seeing every time he was thinking hard on something. "Makes sense. With you coming back from the future might have changed how everything else around us goes. I've seen it in movies about time travel."
"Hmm—Could be," I leaned back into my pillows, resting my pulsating head while trying to force myself to keep functioning without randomly falling asleep. "Everything is already so different—in a way."
"Different, how?"
"This tumour thing. I don't think it started where it is now. You know, when I had it—before I leapt."
"It wasn't?" He shifted on his seat, leaning forward to be able to listen to my words when I started to feel even more sleepy.
"Um—no, there's an empty feeling around my back, so—" I stopped, my mind was suddenly filled with some ideas and I started to remember little things—even though some of them were still not making any sense at all.
His eyes flickered. He glanced at my head, before his gaze moved down to my face. "What are you thinking?"
I sighed. "What if—It showed up somewhere at my back, around my spine, perhaps? Since I felt like there's something missing there, like I'm supposed to feel some pain at that spot but there isn't any. And then at one point, it spread, or perhaps reached my head and stopped there? I'm not sure, though. But I felt a bit weird when they told me the tumour was in my brain. I know that's where I keep feeling the pain, where it's hurting me the most. And why everything is so fuzzy. But I just felt like that it's not right, that it's not supposed to be there. But when I tried to make sense of it, I keep feeling like there is a hole in my brain, a missing piece that I can't remember."
"Maybe that's the whole point for all of this. If it is true, that is. Perhaps something happened and you couldn't finish your fight. And now, you have a chance to continue fighting."
"Maybe. But I somehow feel there's a difference on that part too." I sighed, suddenly feeling terribly sorrow. "Because I don't think I remember fighting."
"I think we're ready. Your body is ready and you are currently in a prime condition. All we need to make sure now is that you are mentally prepared for it."
I was sitting on the hospital bed when the doctors came in with the news. My mother was there by my side, holding my hand firmly although I could feel her being so nervous from how she kept rubbing her fingers on the back of my hand. The doctor team decided to visit me early in the morning to inform me about the most recent test result after I had just done a therapy session.
"How mentally prepared should I be?"
"It won't be as scary as you think, _____," one of the doctors said to me with a smile. "It will be a tricky process, but you can count on my words when I tell you that everything is going to be okay."
"Tricky? Don't you mean, risky? I mean—there has to be a risk, right?" I asked him without looking away, and I might have caught how he flinched at my question despite his lingering smile. "You guys are going to cut off the skull on top of my head to get into my brain, after all. I don't really think that 'tricky' is the word for it, isn't it?"
"It is a high-risk surgery, indeed. But you will be in the hands of an expert, and we will do our best to cure you, ____," the doctor who I had come to recognise as their team leader firmly spoke to me. Still with a friendly smile on his face. I could feel no hesitation in his words, but I somehow found it hard to not feel all sceptical about how they were laying out the facts on it so easily.
"I'm sure you will, Doctor," my mother said, and I somehow got a little bit irritated on how easily she conceded without asking for more reassurance when it was my life that was put on the line.
"How much chance do I have?" I asked them, right when one of the doctors opened their mouth to speak.
He stopped himself and frowned. "What do you mean by 'chance'?"
"Won't I be risking my life in this surgery? What chance do I have of surviving it?"
I felt my mother gripping my hand, jerking it gently to stop me from pushing further. "_____, they already said that you'll be in good hands. I think you need to trust them."
I looked at her, taking a deep breath before speaking to stop myself from talking too harsh. I knew she only wanted to push away all the negative thoughts and stay hopeful, but still—
"Mom, they said that I need to be mentally prepared for the surgery. Don't I need to know what risk I am taking so I can actually prepare myself for being cut open?"
And I also need to make sure that I didn't come back in time just to lose my life even before I have a chance to gain something out of it.
My mother tried to speak again, but the doctor stopped her by answering, "That's alright. We understand your concern, ____. Even with the risk, this surgery will be safe. As we already told you, all of the experts in this matter will be handling your surgery and all further treatments needed afterwards. And with the current condition of your body, you will have more than 60% chance of speedy recovery."
"That's a pretty big number," I whispered, refraining myself to ask about what would the other number be representing on my future condition. "Will there be—I don't know, side effects? Maybe?"
"It will take some time to recover, and you might have some problem in memorising things for a period of time. But everything will go back to normal once you are fully recovered."
I didn't say a word after. All I did was let Taehyung's words ran over and over again in my head, reminding myself on what he said about me having a chance to finish my fight. How I could get a chance of rebirth, a complete rebirth. And I was silently admitting that he was probably right.
"Is there anything else you would like to ask?" The doctor asked me after a few moments of silence and after I completely ignored everyone on my moment of mulling.
My mother rubbed my hand. "_____? What do you have in your mind?"
I looked at her, before turning to look at the doctor who was standing at the end of my bed. "When is the surgery going to happen?"
—St. Lucas Hospital, Special Treatment Room, year 2012. The night before surgery—
"What is this?"
I held a notebook that Taehyung had just given me out of the blue the moment he walked in. He and my older brother had been taking turns on watching me through the night, making sure I would stay calm.
"A bucket list," he said with a wide grin. "Write down twenty-five things you want to do once you walk out of this hospital. We're making a checklist of the things you want to do most in life."
"We?"
He nodded with his grin still plastered on his face. "It was Hoseok's idea. You're going to write them down, and I'll be the one keeping the list and make sure you can get everything on them checked. You have a chance to do anything you want now, so why not list them down and make sure you don't miss any of them?"
"Ah, I see." I laughed softly. There was something bittersweet about what they were doing for me. "That's actually a good idea. Hmmm—twenty-five is a lot though. But I guess it can help distract me from thinking about tomorrow and pass the time."
"Yeah, it might. That's kind of one of the purposes of giving you this," he chuckled.
"Oh yeah? What's the other purpose then?"
He smiled, crossing his arms over his chest as he said, "Showing you all the reasons why you should be fighting all you might to get better."
I returned his smile before looking down on the note in my hand. I already had so many things in mind, all the things I missed out on, all the things I wished I could have and I still wanted to have, and I knew for sure that I would not take everything for granted.
Not in this lifetime.