STEF POV
That night I couldn't sleep for my life for it was almost as if every memory good or bad kept replaying in my mind. It was now to the point where I would drift off to sleep and couldn't remember if my dreams were real, reality or a memory I had buried far in my brain. Aunt Fran and Debbie floated in them along with Callie, Diane, Lena, Frankie and Jude. Even my father who I had only met once in my life or more so I was told floated in and out. It was making me crazy and the only thing I wanted to do was just head back to Sacramento and forget the rest of this road trip. Nevada had been enough for me, talking and seeing my aunt and Debbie had been the icing on the cake and I was tired. No I was not giving up but I didn't want to make the rest of the trip. I just didn't.
Tossing one more time I felt Lena hold me gently as I couldn't take being in the bed anymore. With Franke on the other side of me I had no choice but to get up for I couldn't sleep another minute. No way because the anxiety was starting to creep up and I was almost going to have a full blown panic attack.
"Baby you ok?" Lena whispered as I crawled off the air mattress heading into the kitchen.
"Yeah love. Getting some water."
"I'm thirsty myself I'll get some with you." Nodding my head as we spoke quietly I poured her a glass along with myself as we took a seat at the tiny table. Running my fingers through my messy hair Lena looked right at me knowing how I was feeling. "What's wrong baby?"
"I want to go home. I don't want to do the rest of this trip love. I'm fried out and it's only Nevada. I can't do six more states of this Lena."
"Ok. You don't have to if you're not ready we can leave in the morning."
"You don't think I'm giving up. That I'm punking out?"
"No. This is not easy. This is very hard and being in Nevada this long is hard for you. I know you feel a sense of closure in regards to this place but maybe you don't need to see those other places. To relieve it. Unless you feel otherwise?"
"I don't know baby. Seeing my, seeing my aunt and talking to her just I don't know how I feel. It's like my reality was shifted and the reality I thought I was living in wasn't real. Maybe we made a tiny dent but I can't fully give my heart to her yet. I'm not ready."
"That's ok. That's ok honey. You don't have to. You take as much time as you need with that."
"I know she loves me I know Debbie loves me but I need to think and she understood that."
"She respects your feelings very much honey. Fran doesn't want to do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. She loves you and she wants the best for you. Just like you do for all your babies."
"That I do my love." I said turning to look at Jude and Frankie who were passed out on the air mattress. "I don't know if I want them to keep seeing me break apart like this. I don't know if this trip is good for them. Jude needs to be back with his friends, Frankie needs to figure out what she really wants to do. I want to go back to work and just live my life with you and them and I want to try to reconnect with Callie. Creating stability for them when I never had it is important. I want us to move on slowly in our relationship. So I, I need to go back home."
"Honey, feelings are natural. They just are and both your kids know what's going on. They do and they love you so, so very much and it's bringing them closer and us closer. But I will tell you if you want to go back home we will. If you want to go tomorrow we can go tomorrow. You tell me when honey." Gently she rubbed the top of my hand as I let out a relieved smile.
"Do you really think it's bringing us all closer?"
"Yes. It is. But we can grow closer whether we continue this trip or not. So you do what you think is best for you sweetheart. I am on your side. We all are."
"Thank you baby."
"Of course. Stef, this trip is meant for you and what you needed to find out. What you needed to see or heal from. It's not about me, it's not about the kids, it's about you. We are here for moral, and emotional support because we love you. And we want to make sure you get what you need. If you have gotten it ok that's fine. Even if you haven't and this is not the right time you got something. You are one step closer then you were before. If the rest of your healing happens in California then ok. And if you wake up in the morning and decided you want to keep going I'm there. Ok? Nothing is set in stone baby."
"You are really the most amazing woman I've ever met Lena. You really are." Softly cupping her cheek she smiled wide at me as I leaned in and kissed her lips.
"Well, that makes two of us baby. It really does." She said kissing me back and pulling away.
"I just can't sleep love."
"I know you can't. I have felt you toss and turn all night. You want to lay in my arms?"
"MM. That sounds nice. I think so."
"Ok. Come love."
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You think Stef will continue on the road trip or go back home?