Professor Lupin x Reader
Requested by an anonymous reader.
! Trigger Warning! Mentions: R*pe, drug abuse, self-harm, detailed anxiety attack
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All people deserve fanfiction, and no negativity will be tolerated.
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You trudge up the stairs groggily as you go to your first class. Your entire year has been buzzing with excitement for this class because the 7th Years get to see the new Professor, Professor Lupin, in action first. When it was made known that you were one of the ones that get to experience him first, many younger years cried out in outrage and some even glared at you in jealousy. You were definitely excited, but why was it so damn early?
You finally cross the threshold after trekking up those treacherous stairs. You scan the empty seats available and choose one of the ones near the back of the room. Unsurprisingly, in the last five minutes before a student would be counted as late, half of the class shows up. The mysterious Professor comes through the classroom doors on the exact moment that class is to begin.
You watch him as he crosses the room. His knitted, patterned sweater gives the vibe that he can be a safe space, but the crinkle of his eyes and the way he smiles screams that mischief isn't far behind his demeanor. He claps his hands loudly. Scaring some kids that tried to nod off already. The Professor spreads his hands as if he is presenting something elegant.
"Welcome to Defense Against the Dark Arts. As you may already know, I am Professor Lupin. Today is my first day teaching and we will be facing a boggart!"
Your stomach begins to churn as you feel the color drain from your face. No, you must have heard him wrong. There is no way he would let your class face a boggart on the first day of class. Your hopes are dashed as he begins to explain what a boggart is and how to expel one from you. You close your eyes and try to level your breathing as you realize what shape your boggart will take. Your last hope is that not everyone will have a turn with it. Your shoulders begin to shake as he announces that he will go in alphabetical order of the names on the class roster.
Your breathing becomes harder and harder to control as your peers stand and take their turn. The list is dwindling and he is getting closer to your name. You grip the desk with white knuckles as he calls the kids with the last name that starts with the same last letter as yours.
A shallow breath leaves you as his voice is heard saying, "Y/N L/N."
The class is silent as you slowly stand and begin walking to the front with quivering knees. Professor Lupin smiles at you warmly, trying to dispel your fear and anxieties, no doubt. But he doesn't know. The cupboard shakes violently, just as your body does. The doors slam open, just as your heart slams against your rib cage. A man steps out of the cupboard. He looks like an average, plain looking man to anyone else, but you're not fooled. As his eyes land on you, you breathing hitches. The man smirks arrogantly as he steps toward you. By now, it is quite obvious that you cannot breathe. Anyone near you can hear your wheezing. As he gets closer, the man begins to fiddle with his belt and unlatch it. You back away but your shaky knees betray you.
You fall with a thud as tears stream down your face. As the belt slide from his belt-loops one by one, your tears turn into violent sobs that tack your whole frame. The Professor finally steps in. The man looks at him before shifting into a luminous Full moon.
"Riddikulous!"
The Boggart screeches as he runs back into the cupboard with a thud of slamming doors. The Professor says something, but you cannot focus on him. Your body rocks involuntarily as you attempt to breathe and you fail. Your chest heaves as your sobs refuse to subside. You vaguely hear moving and look up to see the class leaving, most of them looking at you worriedly. You hear the doors shut followed by your heavy breathing being the only thing that can be heard.
Professor Lupin comes into eye sight, making you shake your head and scoot away from him. Without coming closer, he drops to his knees so that he is now eye-level with you.
"Y/N," he speaks softly. "I want you to look into my eyes, okay? Relax, breathe."
"I'm trying," you wheeze and your eyes involuntarily sway from his.
"Hey, hey, look at me. Keep your eyes on me. You're safe. You're safe. You're right here with me."
As you focus on his chocolate eyes and listen to his soft voice, your breathing begins to lessen. As he continues to speak calmly to you, your attack begins to subside. You begin to breathe a lot more even that just five minutes ago. You look at him in awe.
"How- you just- how did you do that?" you stutter out of your mouth.
He smiles lightly.
"I've mastered that gift when I was a student here myself."
You return his smile.
"Thank you, Professor."
He slowly sits on the ground in front of you before scooting to sit next to you and lean against the desk you are. He leaves approximately a food between you two. You watch as his hand begin to twist in his vest.
"So... I'm assuming that your boggart was an abuser?" he asks quietly.
You nod your head. He fiddles with his sweater but more tensely.
"Who is he? I just want to talk to him?"
You laugh.
"He's not in my life anymore. Even if I did give you his name, you probably wouldn't be able to find him. But yeah, that's my boggart- the man that r*ped me an innumerable amount of times throughout my childhood. The man that created such a gaping hole in who I am as a person that resulted in me trying anything to fill it- self harm, a few drugs you can name, and a few drugs that you couldn't name. I've tried for years to get over it, to not think about it, and it always trips me up when I least expect it."
You and he sit in tense silence before your eyes begin to let the tears stream down your face.
The Professor murmurs, "May I hug you?"
You nod your head and he pulls you into his side. He gently pulls your head to be cradled against his collarbone. At this show of affection, you begin to cry even harder. He keeps you wrapped in his arms securely as you sob into his sweater and he strokes your hair. Slowly but surely, you begin to hiccup rather than sob. You gently pull back from his embrace to see the damp spot you had left on his sweater. You smile sheepishly as your cheeks heat up.
"I'm sorry," you mutter.
He smiles lightly as he lifts his hand to wipe away a tear gently with his thumb.
"It's nothing to worry about, love. It'll dry."
Your eyes drop to the ground between you.
"Thank you, Professor. Thank you for listening."
You glance up to see him smiling warmly at you.
"Please call me Remus, Y/N. I'm sorry for making you face that today. I never expected someone to have such a dark boggart. I should not have assumed. Please forgive me."
"You didn't mean to, Remus. Of course I forgive you."
"Thank you, my dear."
"You're welcome."
There is a small silence that Remus begins fiddling with his hands during.
"Y/N, I want you to know that you can always come to me if you need anything. I can't promise to fix your problems, but I can promise that you won't face them alone."
"Thank you, Remus. Thank you so much. Do you mind if I sit in here for a while? I'm not ready to face the world just yet."
"Sure Y/N. I'll eve hermit in here with you."
You smile at him. "Thanks."
"No problem."
You hesitantly scoot closer to him and close the difference. You slowly lean into him and lay your head on his shoulder once again.
"Sorry that I made your sweater wet, Remus."
"It's alright, love. Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a cleaner view again." (Alex Tan)
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You and Remus become close friends in the months to come. Of course, he is Professor Lupin in the classroom, but when it was just you and him, the classroom became a warmer and more comfortable place with Remus. He became your safe place. Between the small smiles exchanged in class to the meaningful conversations after class, you had finally found your safe space.
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After class, you stay back as you usually do. Remus looks up from the papers on his desk, but he has a peculiar expression on his face. It almost looks as if he's nervous. He's fiddling with his fingers and his cheek is sunken into his mouth as he sucks on it. You cock your head to the side and look at him worriedly.
"What's wrong, Remus?"
"I want to talk to you about something, Y/N."
You knit your eyebrows together. "Okay, what is it?"
"You have to promise me that you will not get angry with me, okay?"
You smile assuredly. "Of course."
"I think you should face your boggart again."
The color drains from your face at the thought.
"No," you whisper harshly.
"Y/N, listen to me please. You shelter yourself, love. You are terrified around all men, but I seem to be the exception. I'm not saying you should do it today, this week, or even this month. Bit I honestly believe that it would be good for you to face it again."
You shake your head. "You don't know what you're asking."
"Yes, I do. I'm asking you to face your worst fear so that you can conquer it. Trust me, I know it hurts. But I faced my fear for you when you weren't ready. Once you become ready, will you face your fear for me?"
You blink at him through your tears. "Why do you care so much?"
"Y/N, love, you are terrified of men. That is unhealthy to live that way. Men make up 49% of the population."
"So?" you bite.
"So, as a man that's in love with you, that saddens me."
You blink. "You're- wait, what?"
"I care for you deeply and it saddens me to see you in turmoil over something that you are safe from now."
You grit your teeth. "So, what you're saying is you have personal gain in me 'getting over it'? I've fucking tried, Remus."
He blinks at you before standing, grabbing his wand, and walking to the door. His hand pauses on the doorknob before turning back to you.
"You just proved my point, love. Your hatred for men just eclipsed me telling you that I'm in love with you. I'm here for you whenever you get things figured out. I love you."
He opens the door and leaves with a hollow click that vibrates in your chest.
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You spend all weekend moping about what had happened Friday. By the time Monday comes around, you're excited and nervous to see Remus. You walk into his classroom early and sit throughout his lecture. He doesn't look at you throughout the period, but when he does happen to catch your eye, his falls to the ground and he finishes the sentence to the floor. When the bell rings, your heart pounds faster as each student files out.
When the room is finally empty, you move to the front seat that you always push up to Remus's desk. You quietly move the desk to his desk-side. You sit down.
"Hi Remus," you say softly.
"Hello, Y/N," he replies.
"So, how was your weekend?"
"Miserable. You?"
You smile. "Insufferable."
He wrinkles his brows. "Why?"
"Because I fought with someone I love on Friday, so my weekend ended up being absolutely insufferable."
The side of his mouth quirks up. "Someone you love, eh?"
You smile. "Yes."
"And who could that possibly be?"
You reach your hand across the desk and place yours in his. "You."
He smiles as he closes his hand around yours.
"Remus, I'm sorry. I should not have snapped. I was just terrified of facing my boggart again, and I took that out on you. I'm sorry. But this weekend made me realize how miserable I was without you and I want you to know that I will face it again for you. I would do anything for you. I'm not sure when I'll face it, but I will eventually. I just need time to prep myself. Thank you so much for loving me and being patient with me."
Remus smiles largely. "Of course, Y/N. I love you so much."
"And I love you."