—Somewhere in between time—
I stood in the middle of the darkness.
I blinked my eyes and forced them to find any sign of any other presence anywhere around me, any glimpse of light to help me find out where I was.
I tried my best to look around and found nothing.
Nothing but endless void and pitch darkness.
And then there it was. A dot of light so far away, blinking between the darkness, calling me to come closer.
I couldn't feel my own footsteps as I walked ahead in small steps toward the blinking light, forcing my eyesight to gain a clearer view of what was waiting on the edge.
The blinking light itself was emitting a sound, undecipherable to my senses. But I knew that it was calling me continuously with soft hushes passing through the wind.
I recognized the faint, familiar sound.
Pain suddenly appeared in my heart as I was getting closer towards it, although the closer I felt I was coming to it, the more I felt the pain growing inside of me.
There was also fear. I suddenly felt so afraid of it, and I stopped midway feeling so hesitant on walking ahead towards it.
Another familiar sound appeared from somewhere behind me. Far away from the opposite side of where I was heading to.
It was the voice that had me feeling a deep longing for home.
I turned around to see another blinking light. Another faint whisper calling me through it with a beautiful tone that resided in my heart, filling it with warmth.
It was a peaceful warmth, the similar feeling of love that used to flow into my very own heart, and they slowly cured the pain away, replacing it with a peaceful bliss.
I started walking towards the new light, taking faster steps upon reaching it, now knowing how my heart longed for it, begging for its shelter. I wanted to run, I wanted to reach it as fast as I could. But the more I rushed towards it, the further the light seemed to be from where I was.
It was slowly fading away. Its light weakening between the dark as it moved further away from me.
No.
Please don't go.
Please don't leave me.
I gave every power that I had, trying my best to run for it, fighting the invisible weight that I felt wrapped around my legs and started slowing me down, pulling me back continuously no matter how hard I tried to push forward to reach it.
I opened my mouth to scream out for it and no sound came out.
I called and begged for the light to wait for me.
But it was already gone.
—St. Lucas Hospital, Special Treatment Room, year 2012—
It's time to wake up.
I felt as if I was being dragged slowly to wake.
I was being pulled from whatever dream I was in, feeling the air filled with the scent of disinfectant and soap almost instantly. It took me a while before I could open my eyes, fluttering my eyelids to open wide, only to find out that I was crying. My eyes were heavy from the flowing tears. They were still dropping onto my cheeks and all the way over the pillow beneath me as I woke up, finding myself in the same hospital room where I was in before. I gasped for air as I fight against the tightness in my chest and only realizing by then that I was still sobbing.
I blinked my eyes to gain focus, raising my hands to wipe the tears off my face. My hands were so heavy, its skin felt so stiff and numb. I could barely feel my own skin even when my fingertips grazed on my cheeks. I raised my hands in front of my eyes, staring at my own fingers and realized how different they were than how I remembered them. None of the dry skin and boney fingers that I had in my memories. Things were not making any sense.
But then again, nothing seemed to make sense anymore.
I was so immersed in my own thoughts that I failed to realize that I was not alone in the room.
"Hey—Are you okay?" I heard someone spoke out gently from my side, after I heard him clearing his throat to catch my attention. I looked over to see who it was, although the familiar voice already had me guessing before I even saw his face.
"Taehyung," I whispered to him weakly, still feeling the lack of air in my chest.
He was sitting next to the bed, staring at me with his concerned eyes while forcing himself to smile at me. Deep down I knew that he probably had been sitting there for a while, staring and feeling worried at my state while I was still unconscious.
"You're here," I sighed, probably showing too much of my own astonishment at his presence near me.
"Of course I'm here, idiot," he chuckled amusedly, taking my hand in his and lightly brushing his thumb over my weak knuckles. "Are you really that happy to see me?"
"You have no idea," I answered him with a relieved whisper, feeling my tears threatening to fall once more. "Have you been here long?"
He leaned forward, placing his long arms crossed over the bed so he could take a better look at my face now that his own face was much closer to mine. "Been here about 10 minutes. Your mother was here when I came. She looked really tired, so I told her to rest at the cafe downstairs for a bit and let me watch over you," he said. "How are you feeling?"
"I'm feeling—weird. I can't really explain it," I answered him, exhaling a sigh after I failed to rid of the cloud filling my head, rendering me completely helpless into digging into the vivid memories in my head. "I don't feel like myself, and nothing is making any sense," I said under my breaths. But from the way he tilted his head, I knew that he heard me.
I smiled at him, brushing his cheek with my palm, still hard to believe that he was sitting there next to me. So many things went through my mind, and I was contemplating about telling him everything. I needed answers, and if there was anyone I could talk to about anything in this world it would be Taehyung.
But would he believe me? Hell, I didn't even believe my own self even when I was going through it.
"Is something wrong? Are you in pain?" He asked me, placing one of his hand over mine. "You were crying in your sleep, were you dreaming of something?"
"No, I—"
Flashes of images suddenly appeared in my head. I couldn't distinguish between my dreams and my memories, both kept altering in my head in random sequences. But something was clouding my mind still, I couldn't make out which of those images were my actual memories. I wasn't even sure if any of them were real. There was only one way to find out the truth about everything, and I knew I wouldn't be able to do it all alone.
I closed my eyes for a few seconds, ridding the thoughts away since those foreign images were making the pain in my head to increase. It took me a moment before I could open my eyes again without the headache, soon finding my childhood best friend staring at me with a tight lip and a frown.
"Taehyung, can you help me with something?" I asked him, cutting him off when he was about to speak.
He lifted his eyebrows, still holding my hand and rubbing my skin softly. "Sure? What can I help you with?"
"I—"
My voice was caught in my throat when I suddenly started having doubts at myself. Finding myself on the verge of deciding that perhaps it might best to just keep all questions to myself. But I needed answers. I needed to know what was going on, and I needed him to be the one to help me, because he was the only one I knew would listen to me.
"Taehyung, I need to tell you something. But—can you please find me a mirror first?"
He let go of my hand, tilting his head. "A mirror? Why?"
"I—uh, I need to confirm something before—" I stared into his eyes, feeling myself drifting away once again when I tried my best to focus. I felt so afraid, suddenly wanted to rush things, suddenly feeling the need to get answers as soon as I could before I found myself falling back to a deep sleep. "Please, Tae. Find me a good sized mirror and come back soon, okay?"
He pursed his lips before nodding his head, brushing my hair away from my forehead gently, while keeping his eyes on me, trying to make sense of my words. "A mirror, huh?" He gave me another question to make sure, squeezing my hand that was still in his hold. "Promise to tell me anything that is bothering you?"
"I promise," I answered him quickly. Before I changed my mind, before anyone else entered the room and made it hard for me to share the most ridiculous thoughts that had been reigning my thoughts since the first time I woke up.
I must have fallen asleep while I was waiting for him to come back.
This time, my dreams were more vivid. I saw pieces of memories, old and new, in my dreams. And by the time I woke up those images were still there in my mind and still so clear, reassuring me that at least some of them were real. That at least some of them actually happened. I just needed to figure out which ones they were.
I glanced around and saw Taehyung standing right outside the room. His figure was visible through the gap of the half-opened door with his front facing me. He was speaking to another person, one that I didn't recognize, and his face was more worried than ever. He nodded a few times, before turning his head to look inside and saw me already awake. For a split second, he looked startled, immediately hiding the look in his eyes with a forced smile, before bidding goodbye to the person he was with and walked into the room.
"Hey, you're awake. I came back like 20 minutes ago and you were sleeping so peacefully, I didn't want to wake you," he said, smiling still while settling back into the seat he previously used before he left. "Here," he said, handing me a hand mirror with a curious smile. "I looked everywhere until I found a nurse who was using this. I figured a mirror of a compact powder case would be too small."
I took the mirror, giggling a bit when I imagined him running around the hospital asking for mirrors at every nurse he met on his way. "Wow, such an expert indeed, Kim Taehyung. Even knowing how to find a reasonable size of mirrors. I knew I can trust you."
He gave me a wide grin, releasing a relieved sigh while he spoke, "Good to know I don't disappoint. And you're laughing, thank God. I guess I've been doing a lot of good deeds today."
I replied him with a smile, before lifting the mirror in front of my face. I had prepared myself to see my own face, knowing that it might surprise me once I finally did so. Yet my breath hitched immediately before I had any chance to stop it, exposing my shock as I stared right into the face staring back at me. I struggled to move my body into a sitting position, in need of having a more clear vision of myself. I felt so weak and heavy, losing my breath and energy just by moving on the bed. Taehyung must have caught on to my struggle as he immediately stood off his chair to help me until I was seated nicely.
"What's wrong?" He asked, sounding even more worried. The curious look on his face was more prominent when he was much closer to me.
I didn't answer him, not knowing what to say and still so curious at the reflection in the mirror. All I did was lift the object in my hand once more after taking a deep breath to calm myself.
I stared at my own reflection without saying anything, doing my best to control my breath so my head would stop spinning and I could focus on recognizing my own face. I touched my own skin with shaky hands, feeling its foreign surface with my eyes staring at my reflection. The feeling of my own fingertips grazing skin to skin, the warmth I felt allowed me to confirm that this was not a dream. I touched lightly at my full cheeks, a faint blush appearing on its skin instead of the hollow shape and pale colours that I despised so much. My lips were pale and dry, yet there was still a faint colour of pink, instead of pale blue and the colourless dry lips that I used to hide with continuous bites.
I lifted my hand to touch the other parts of my face, not finding any wrinkles around my lips or eyes, or even any visible socket under my eyes, which were looking back at me through the mirror with a sharp stare under my hazy eyelids. I touched my hair next, still thick and long, with its natural colour that was similar to my mother's, none of the dried and thin hairline that was visible in sight.
Taehyung waited patiently while I stared amusedly at the reflection of my face. My teenage face. The face that was kept in old pictures with wooden frames that were hanged on the walls, or arranged on top of the low drawers on my living room. The face that was much younger than the one I memorized in my head. Many years younger than the face I saw looking back at me from a mirror in one of my dreams.
This can't be real.
I pinched my cheeks, my fingers leaving faint crimson marks as they left my skin. Taehyung reached for my hand, carefully lowering them down along with the mirror that I was holding firmly, and only then I finally realized that I was shaking in disbelief.
"_____. Tell me what's wrong. Please—," he whispered to me with a desperate tone, begging me to share him my thoughts. I turned my head to face him, looking into his eyes that were staring at me with not only worries, but also fear. He must have thought I was losing my mind. But then, what would he think if I told him?
"Tae," I answered him, gripping onto his hand as I made up my mind to tell him everything. "I need your help."
"Sure, I'd do anything." He smiled at me weakly, rubbing the back of my hand as if trying to assure me that things would be alright. Oh, how I hoped that they would.
"First I need you to listen to me carefully. Please don't laugh at me or be frightened, okay? Because what I'm about to tell you might not make any sense. And it might sound crazy."
He nodded, fixing his eyes to look into mine and I knew immediately that I could trust him.
"Okay—"