dan's mind was racing, his thoughts all over the place as he watched phil take off his jacket, flinging it carelessly in an unknown direction. even though phil's admission had helped him feel a lot more secure and a lot less anxious, there was a constant seed of doubt planted in his mind.
none of them wanted to loose this newfound calmness between them, without any agitation or delusion or paranoia, but none of them could simply ignore the elephant in the room. there was still so much to talk about and although dan kept telling himself that the answers could wait, the perplex side of his mind kept nagging him.
they had walked inside the house ten minutes ago, phil's mother greeting them with a warm smile, thanking them for getting her groceries and dan had kept the gift bag securely on the wooden dresser.
right now phil was making his way next to dan on the bed, flopping beside him and nuzzling his face in the younger's boy neck, to which dan just gave him a soft smile, wrapping his arms around phil's shoulder and pulling him closer.
they were making small talk, randomly talking about how cold it is outside to what they thought about christmas as an event. when phil was in the middle of whining about how he hated summers, he looked up at dan, noticing the lost look on his face. he seemed uninterested and tensed as if he was thinking about something that was bothering him and phil just reached out to grab his hand, lacing their fingers together to get his attention.
"what are you thinking?" phil's voice was soft, his breath ghosting over dan's neck as he spoke and dan just shook his head, squeezing phil's hand reassuringly before speaking.
"nothing in particular, it's not important," he lied, relishing the feeling of phil's thumb rubbing soothing circles over the back of his hand, where the red marks were fading into a soft purple.
"yes it is, tell me," phil protested, and dan just sighed out loud, his free arm tightening its grip on phil's shoulders.
"i-i was just thinking about us," dan muttered hesitantly and phil just shifted closer to him, kissing dan's cheek softly in the process.
"i love you," the older boy stated, not knowing how to answer and dan just smiled at him before reciprocating the words. they sat in a comfortable silence after that, dan's fingers drawing unknown patterns on phil's chest and phil breathing deeply into dan's faint scent.
dan did not want to ruin the moment, he really didn't. he did not want them to be distant and awkward and tense again.
but on the other hand he desperately needed relief.
subconsciously he was still stuck in the moment where phil was asking his mother to
whether he could come home, leaving dan alone without any context. he could still feel the heart wrenching betrayal and the acidic tears that ran down his face when he was waiting for phil's return in the isolated hotel.
he just wanted to talk it out.
he wanted to know where phil was when dan was suffering in the uncomfortably warm room, the sheets constantly sticking to his weltering body and his breathing irregular and strained. he wanted to know why phil left, why he started being distant, why he stopped trying.
because even though dan had told phil everything what was going in his mind, laying like an open book in front of phil, the older boy was still a chest full of secrets begging to break through. he just wanted to know what phil thought, what made him make the torturous decisions and what made him so insecure that he wanted to leave dan.
he didn't want phil to leave him helpless and dependant, all by himself again and so he just sighed out loud and let the words escape his mouth.
"what made you want to leave?"
--
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