At the time when the two of them met, Xing had been completely isolated. He had wished for nothing more than for a person to appear who could end his destitution. Tian didn't mention it but, actually, he hadn't been much different. He had watched his people die one after the other, even — or maybe especially — those who fought against their fate. In the end, only he was left and while their relations had never been all that close, their loss still came with a feeling of emptiness. He could see his own fate in them and he didn't like it one bit.
Xing's feelings mirrored his own, very much like Qiu Ling's and Jing He's feelings had resonated when they met: They were two lonely souls, weighed down by the expectations put on them that they barely fulfilled at the cost of their true selves. Naturally, they felt attracted to that commonality, and thus, fate took its course.
Tian did not think about the past further and instead looked out at the garden in front of him. "You are similar to him in this regard, although your loneliness differs. There are people who care for you greatly but you can't be open with them. Part of that is your own fear, part of it is their ignorance. What you wish for is a lover who will not require you to keep up that mask and will let you be yourself."
Jing He couldn't deny a single word of this. Yes, he indeed wanted to find a person like that. But he had, hadn't he? "The difference is that my father won't let me marry him."
Tian narrowed his eyes. "He indeed won't. Xing's father did not care while yours cares too much. Neither is good. But ..." He turned to look at Jing He again, his gaze piercing. "Why do you care?"
Jing He looked back at him, not sure what to say. That person was his father. Naturally, he cared about his opinion. "He ... is my family."
"A family you can't even be open with. One who will deny you what you want even if you gather the courage to tell him explicitly what that is. And you have to gather your courage to do so. You are afraid of him. Is that the kind of relationship you should have with your father?"
Jing He lowered his head, unable to refute. He didn't want to admit it but he had indeed come to fear his father even if it was just a little. Usually, this wasn't the case. Originally, when he met Qiu Ling, he had even thought that his appearance was a lot more impactful than his father's. He had the regal aura becoming of a king, something his father couldn't boast about. Most of the time, he just looked rather ... silly.
But with his father stressing again and again that he didn't want him close to Qiu Ling, something had changed. His insistence made him feel ill at ease. He would always have a guilty conscience that only got worse as his father's stance seemed to harden further each time he met Qiu Ling. Finally, he could barely raise his head due to his shame and he naturally started to suspect that if he dared to voice his true thoughts, he would finally be on the receiving end of his father's famed irascible temper which he hadn't yet experienced.
In the end, this was exactly what happened. He was caught with Qiu Ling and he dared to admit that he wanted to marry this man his father disapproved of. As a result, he was guarded tightly for several weeks and introduced to other suitors while Qiu Ling was kept away. His father's stance didn't soften in the slightest. Instead, there were hints of his anger erupting whenever he saw him not act as he wanted him to.
Yes, he was afraid. Afraid to disappoint his father, afraid to make him erupt in anger, afraid of what would happen if he still dared to resist his arrangements.
It was only at this point that he had realized how scary his father could be but that made it no less impactful. On the contrary, coupled with all the years of doing exactly as he had told him, he felt compelled to once again give in and follow the path that had been laid out for him. It was just ... that he also felt desolate while he walked this path as if at the end of it, his whole world would come to an end as well.
Jing He lowered his head even further. He knew all these things but that didn't mean that he could easily let go of them. "Nonetheless, he is my father. Even if I am unhappy with his decisions, even if the future he has planned for me makes me feel hopeless, does he not have my best intentions at heart? To ignore his advice, to actively go against him and be with the one man he has pointed out as unsuitable ... how can I do that?"
He finally raised his gaze again, completely lost. He had no doubts about Qiu Ling's suitability. There was no man he would feel better with. But his father couldn't see how excellent Qiu Ling was. And as long as he couldn't, there was only one path he could take: To choose his lover or to choose his father.
He ... could not easily make this decision. As much as both sides might hate him for it, he just could not forsake one person completely for the other. They were both important to him and he would feel guilty no matter who he disappointed.
To someone on the outside, it might seem obvious to choose his own happiness with Qiu Ling but ... he had grown up listening to his father and taking the bigger picture into consideration. To live for his own happiness, that was a foreign notion to him so it felt especially wrong to choose this path no matter how much others might believe it was the right one and no matter how much he wished it was.
In the end, Jing He could only clench his hands into fists and look up at Tian again. "It just seems like no matter what I do, all of it will be wrong. Just how ... will I ever know which choice is right?"