Leo once again sat on the edge of the bed and gazed at the gradually thinning face of the unconscious man lying on the hospital cot.
"Is it really true that you, yourself, don't want to wake up, Sha Qing?" he whispered, "Why? Because of me? Because of your past? Or is it because of this 'fucked-up world' as you call it? Has this world disappointed you so much that you now disdain it to the point where you don't even want to open your eyes?"
There was no response.
But Leo always felt that it wasn't that simple. The truth was hidden in the deepest part of Sha Qing's heart, and he(L)had been searching for it from between his(SQ)ambiguous words, actions and attitude, as if groping for gold in the sands of the Ganges River. He knew that Sha Qing was skilled in disguise, acting, and reversing the truth between black and white, but he had a vague hunch that somewhere, at a small negligible place, Sha Qing left a slight crack in the door for him, a tiny gap to Sha Qing's inner world, just like the book "Bedside Whispers".
I will find that crack and push open that door. Leo said wordlessly to Sha Qing.
You won't be disappointed again this time. I will find you, who is hiding behind that door, and take you out.
He got up and left the ward, but didn't go to the office. Instead, he went straight back to his apartment in Manhattan.
Leo lied on the sofa where they once nestled together, and he felt like there was still a lingering warmth from that time.
He closed his eyes and quietly recalled.
Recalled the memories between him and Sha Qing:
--From the first time he heard that name...
--Every word...
--Every look...
--Every fight...
--Every bit of tacit understanding...
--Every love-hate confrontation between them...
It was like a long film scrolling past his eyes, each frame wiping the dust, polishing the memories so brightly.
It turned out that everything had been so deeply imprinted in his mind and heart, that even the fleeting details of the scene made his body tremble uncontrollably.
--How much of an idiot was he, that he had to spend so much time and effort just to realize how important that man was to him? To only recognize it just now that "God's is to God, Caesar's is to Caesar" were nothing but an absurd and ridiculous words of self-deception?
--If he truly loves him, he should have the courage to fight against the world, because every ounce of pain that person will feel, he'd feel it too.
--How could he have the heart to throw him into a dark and rotting prison and destroy that person's "freedom", the inherent right of every human, with his own hands?
Leo's eyes opened and tears rolled down his deep, inky blue eyes, flowing along his brow into his temples.
""
Then, the words of Sha Qing emerged from the countless memories- it was something he said right before.... before he force himself on Sha Qing, the incident that has been filling him with remorse ever since:
"By the way, have you received my belongings that were sent to your address? Please keep it for me for now and don't throw it all away out of anger, especially the phone..."
Especially the phone.
Yes, this is that tiny gap to that door of truth.
But how did he respond at the time?
I got up and tried to throw a fist to the bridge of Sha Qing's nose.
Leo curled up in pain, pressing his head tightly with both hands. After a long time, he was finally able to calm his gasping breath. He stood up unsteadily, staggered into the bedroom, then took out the BlackBerry that had been mailed to him by Sha Qing from the bottom of a drawer.
Due to prolonged inactivity, its battery had been depleted. Leo plugged in the charger, turned it on, and carefully browsed through its SMS, email, and files.
Soon, he found what he was looking for-a ten-minute recording, saved alone in the audio folder. He shrank his thumb as if it were burning with fire, and then without hesitation, he pressed the play button.
[Leo Lawrence.]
It was Sha Qing's voice. There was a brief pause, and then he changed the way he spoke to Chinese,
[I hope that the person who's listening to this recording is you, not some homeless man flipping through the trash can or a random kid from a second-hand phone shop. Of course, this is just my wishful thinking. Perhaps you'll really throw away this phone in a fit of anger- in a way, Leo, I have always failed to guess your mind.]
He chuckled softly, as if he was mocking himself.
[Now, I'm thinking about what motivated me to leave this recording for you. You know, I always plan things carefully, even if I have a whim, I have to think first and only then will I act. But this time, I really don't know what drove me to do this. But I guess when you hear this message, I should no longer be in this world.]
Leo winced stiffly and gripped the phone as a chill ran through his body.
[Haha, that gave you a scare, did it? I just wanted to try that distasteful manner of speaking. In fact, there's a good chance that I will backtrack just before our final encounter, kill you directly, and continue to get away scot-free.]
[Are you confused? Yes, I've already planned ahead of time on how we will settle all of these: It's either you die, or I die.]
[I've been thinking about why I've been teasing and provoking you for over a year, keeping your eyes and bullets fixed on me. As I said while we 're on the Luna Islands, it's a very interesting pastime, something where I could spend my leisure time outside of work, right? That was true, at least at first. I found it fun, and at the same time, I was also examining you. It was like carefully selecting a practical and powerful weapon from a room full of cluttered armaments, and out of a bunch of cops and agents, I chose you.You should feel honored by this, don't you think?]
[Especially when you told me with a serious face that 'One should always take responsibility for what they have done, we are all the same, no one can just do whatever they want'- I knew I've found the right person.]
[You know, there's a line you said that was so damn accurate: 'I know you hate them, but you're becoming like them, and believe me, you don't want to look in the mirror and see a self you want to strangle with your own hands.' ]
[Yes, I know that feeling, so clearly.]
[...Because every time I look in the mirror, I see a serial killer who wants to kill himself. Since the first person died in my hands, I became no different from them. The same bloody hands. The same chilling cruelty.]
[But I have never regretted it.]
[Sometimes, I think that when I die, I'll probably be reunited in hell with those serial killers who died in my hands-but of course, I don't mind killing them again. There's nothing more evil a place to go than hell anyway.]
[The more people I kill, the less I care, because the outcome was already predetermined. I decided that before I find Enjoyer for revenge, I will kill all the way through the bloody rain, and if I get the chance to send Enjoyer to hell, it'll be my turn next...]
The voice paused for a moment again, then it suddenly became gentle and playful. [My dear agent, do you know why I gave myself the codename 'Sha Qing'?]
Leo was stunned.
Sha Qing...
Last... Killer? Leo felt scared upon that realization.
[That's right. It's exactly what you think it is. Only by reading it in Chinese can you understand its true meaning--]
[I have eliminated so many serial killers, and the last serial killer I had to eliminate....]
[Is myself.]
An unusually calm voice.
A calmness that came from a heart as dead cold as ashes- the coldness of mercilessly abandoning one's own life like it was just a piece of broken shoe.
Leo finally understood where Sha Qing's strength and boldness came from.
Sha Qing isn't afraid of death- he even longed for it.
He not only kills his enemies with his knife, but also kills the warm and bright parts of his own soul with each slash, calmly facing the end he set for himself, which was also death.
From beginning to end, he was walking on that bloody road of self-destruction.
He wasn't a dark hero.
He's not someone who just loves playing with people's hearts.
Not even just a vengeful man with a heart of gold.
He...
He's a person willing to be on death row.
And I'm the one he chose to be his executioner.
--He(SQ)always provoked and angered him(L) indiscriminately, deliberately made him furious to the point where he couldn't help but gnash his teeth in rage, precisely because he(SQ) hoped that his life that had been eroded by darkness can be "put to an end" in the hands of a good, brave, upright, and bright law enforcement officer. It was the last vestige of the beautiful wish he had in this world, from the bottom of his heart.
This is the "truth" that I have been searching for.
Leo let out an indescribable groan from deep in his throat.
After a considerable pause, the voice resumed to echo, seemingly with a bit of ethereal confusion,
[And Leo, as for when exactly did your usefulness gradually started to fade away....]
[...I wasn't sure. But I knew that it wasn't a good sign.. It made me weak, inefficient, and sometimes, even caused me to give rise to unrealistic fantasies - fantasies that gave me a reason to continue living.]
Sha Qing sneered, [How naïve, isn't it?! Even though I knew that we're both so incompatible like fire and water, I still kept on testing if that was really true time and time again, and tried every means to make you remember me.]
[But we're like two celestial bodies forcing ourselves into the same orbit, and in the end, we'll only collide and destroy each other.]
[No need for that, Leo.]
[There's no need to destroy each other.]
[Just destroy me.]
[Just stay there, continue to shine, and watch the world...this fucking rotten world...]
[... for me.]
The recording ended.
Silence retuned to the room.
Leo stood motionless, as if his consciousness was still projected in another dimension.
In that dimension, he saw the serial killer, who was so good at scheming he even schemed for his own death, sitting on the sofa, holding a mobile phone, recording with a faint smile at the corners of his mouth.
What was it like to spend time with the person you chose to take your life, Sha Qing? How did you feel when you were chatting, laughing and fighting alongside him? If you have even the tiniest bit of feeling, just a little, of wanting to preserve your life, you shouldn't have lent him a helping hand when his life was at a critical moment!
Since you already sometimes fantasize about continuing to live in this world because of him, why didn't you tell him earlier so that you two could make that fantasy into a reality? Is it because he is always so slow, stubborn, and so methodical to the point that he was too late on understanding the whole truth?
Is it too late if, right now, he tells you not to destroy yourself, to not give up, and that the world isn't as bad and hopeless as you think it is?
You once saved his soul when he fell into darkness and pain, when his soul almost shattered. Now, he also wants to repay that salvation you once gave, and find a reason to continue living with you. Are you willing to accept it?
Sha Qing....Sha Qing!
After a long time, Leo, as if finally breaking free from suffocation, took a long breath, then sat down at his desk.
He took out a pen and paper, and without hesitation, started to write a long sentence...