Dear diary,
I wrote a lot about my day last night, because i had such a good day at work, but i didn't end up publishing it and im not entirely sure why. i just wasn't in the mood. Don't get me wrong, everything about work yesterday was good alhamdulilah, i was chilling with both my line managers, and one went home early so i was sat talking food and jewellery and other bits and bobs with my other line manager and sorting out shifts.
but i was still feeling a little low when i came home. i had to run an errand for my mum after work and that's okay, it was only an 11 min drive away from work, its by where iqsa lives so i was kinda familiar with the area anyways. but you know when you've had a long day, although in all fairness work went kinda fast for me. but i was extremely tired, never felt anything like it. at one point i was walking to a patients room with my eyes closed briefly just so i could rest my eyes quickly.
i came home, and i sat in the garden to chill, needed some fresh air. the antibiotics side effects is making me nauseous, i told my line manager cos obviously shes an experienced nurse so she gave me advice on how to counteract the nauseousness so she said ginger biscuits, the kitchen didn't have ginger biscuits so i goes to her "ill have any biscuit, any excuse for a biscuit" lol, they found that funny. i think they find me funny cs they laughed a few times.i was telling them about my food i had for lunch and the canteen staff and they laughed lol .
anyways so i sat outside and at this point its like 9pm. and im just chilling with nature. the sky, the moon. theres this rose plant in our garden and its blossomed and its so pretty and smells incredible. i had a few texts off my friends, 10 in total, and i really couldn't be bothered to even pick up my phone to text. so i go inside and im chilling in bed
Then I seen I had a missed FaceTime call of H and I texted her saying I'm not in the mood to talk really but if she wants to talk I'll listen. Like I just didn't wanna talk. We end up texting and I'm like it only makes sense to call since we are texting so we FaceTime and I let her mainly talk. I brushed my teeth whilst she spoke to me and things and then her mum called so the ft hung up, she called me again, then her mum called again and ft hung up which is fine. It took a little longer so I texted her asking if we could call tomorrow cos I'm really tired and she's like yeah that's fine. So I put on Netflix bridgerton to watch but I end up just listening to it as background noise I think I fell asleep. I woke up and decided to listen to a bit of music and chill on my phone but next thing I know I'm fast asleep. So put my AirPods away and honestly I don't even know how I fell asleep I was knocked out. I slept for 12 hours.
I woke up at 7am briefly, then 8am and saw I had a BUNCH of texts from H but I was still in and out of sleep so I couldn't quite make out what she had texted and then I fully woke up at 10. It's the most I've slept in ages. I really needed it. I think I've been through a lot lately, and my body fighting an infection and the pain and just everything. I really really needed it.
My right nostril bled a bit today, think it's cos I'm warm, cos I'm not too stressed atm.
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Outside Harisa's house right now waiting for her
She wanted and needed me
So I'm taking her out, get her mind off things
Such a last min plan.
My plans with tash changed last min anyways as she went to her boyfriends
I have no appetite once again I've lost some weight, the weather is too hot for me to eat and idk just stuff. Iehab said she keeps looking for Black Forest Cadbury and looks for the crepe cakes from that new bubble tea place in st David's cos I really want them bless her she's so thoughtful.
I told her about Tony's Ben and Jerrys cheesecake chocolate and she went and found it the other day.
I have had ice cream tho and blueberries and grapes for brunch today.
Think today is the last day of my period. Or was it yesterday. Idk.
H hasn't ate so I'm taking her for food, i need to buy water for my antibiotics, I've been struggling opening my water bottles lately 😭 I won't get food. I'll just get a milkshake or drink or something.
Spoke to iehab in the morning
We were gonna go out for iqsa bday today but change of plans as iqsa wasn't free.
I like my summer outfits lately. I've taken a coat for her if we get cold bc I might take her to b rock later, she hasn't been and I take my friends there to talk and chill. Me and tash have picnics there during the summer. I've taken my Polaroid too.
Basically idk much yet. So idk. All I know is, she left work today, she couldn't cope, she broke down crying, and wanted to see me.
Was such a spontaneous thing, I was sat outside in the garden and she called and I could tell she wanted to meet up , she asked if she could come To mine and I said my mum feels ill and she wanted to sleep so I'll come pick H up.
Work been asking me for shifts but I need to figure out what days and weeks I have placement
I'll upload yesterdays stuff later tonight. Think it'll be a nice evening day out today
I think I'm starting to know my way around places now. Been driving loads lately, taking my friends to and from places and other stuff. Although obviously I will still rely on maps still
Got the tunes on and it's such a vibe. I feel for harisa I do. I'll always try and be there for them whenever they need me. I love my friends and they're there for me when I need them.
14:26pm
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I'm home now.
So basically. Drove to hers and went to kfc in masgls to get her and her cousin food. I paid, she was gonna pay and she almost strangled me in the process 😭😂 (my phone literally just autocorrected process to princess and it reminded me of Persian princess 😭💀)
But anyways, I'm the one that picked her up so I wanted to pay for her food. Even tho I wannna save money, but I know she's going through a lot. And I know her entire family and I know that cousin, I've chilled with her before . I didn't want food cos I wasn't hungry I just wanted a drink but ended up getting the boneless bites from kfc. She said she'd transfer money but if she does I'll literally just transfer back to her 😂 so we drove back to hers to drop the food to her cousin, and then we went to McDonald's by my house cos I wanted a milkshake or a frappe (got the caramel frappe) and we parked up and ate and talked. Then I drove to b rock and she slept on the way.
She wasn't wearing a hijab. She doesn't wear one to work, and as she had come straight from work she didn't have one and she was fully out in public today without one. She said something at the beginning like this is so bad or pls don't judge , something along those lines but I'll never judge my friends. Who am I to judge. I was like no it's fine .
So we spoke a bit about what's been going on with her, it's too long to type, but it's things between her and F. But she mentioned something that broke my heart on the drive. And it made me wish I was awake last night but honestly I was knocked out. If I was awake, if I was on call with her, then she would never have done what she did. And I'm the only person she admitted it to. I almost cried when she told me.
She almost hurt herself basically. Don't wanna get into too much detail. She said she stopped herself
I remember where we were when she told me too. Driving off the motorway where its 50mph to take the exit down to my ends, almost by the traffic lights .
I have a weird memory where I can remember every little thing based off a song or what conv we are talking about. It's very specific. Think I have a good memory ngl alhamdulilah and mashAllah.
Anyways, she fell asleep almost instantly and I purposely drove a little slower (there were no cars behind me) so she could sleep longer. She said she felt comfortable around me and I know the exact feeling cos that's how I feel around A.
It's like you've gone through so much you just wanna shut out from the world and sleep where you feel comfortable. I know the feeling.
We arrived and if she was still sleeping, I was gonna sit there and let her sleep. I wasn't gonna wake her up. Honestly I was looking at her with nothing but love. But she did wake up when I parked and I was like if you wanna stay in the car and sleep I'm okay with that.
And that's when I realised this is what love is. Like I genuinely love my friends. Obviously I knew what love is before, and I always said I love my friends, but I really didn't care if I sat on my phone in silence whilst she slept. Even if I drove all that way. Opposite ends of town. I love and care for her, even if we annoy each other , I'll always love and respect her.
Before we left the car, I massaged her scalp, and played with her hair cos I know she finds that relaxing, and I put my palm on the side of her cheek, like I cupped her cheek, and she rested her face into my palm and fell asleep briefly, and it was such a raw act of love. The way I'm talking you'd think I'm a lesbian, but I promise you I'm straight lol, it's just how much love I have to give. I think I love unconditionally. And if I can make someone feel better, I'll try my best.
But she was like nah let's go for a walk. So we went down and walked and sat by the rocks where me and A skipped stones. Actually we sat on the log. The same log me and A sat on the very first time, where I sat on his lap.
But anyways. We talked for ages. I mainly listened and gave her my 2 pence when I feel like it was needed. Had a very long catch up.
That guy is breaking her.
I know F can be a good guy to her, but he's breaking her. And I felt so sad for her.
I carved my name into the log. Next time I go, I wanna see if my name is still there lol.
I spoke a little as she asked about me. She asked about my pain with the infection which I thought was thoughtful and I said it's getting better alhamdulilah. I think it's osteomyelitis? Not sure.
We spoke a little about love. What love is. What love means to us. How you should try and not see the flaws in someone you love bc when you love someone you should try and see past the flaws and see what makes them a great person. Just everything really.
But I didn't wanna make this about me. It's about her.
And then we drove back to hers and she fell asleep in the car. She was talking in her sleep and I couldn't make out what she was saying but she kept saying sorry for falling asleep and I was like it's fine lol. Sometimes I wouldn't respond cos I know she was sleep talking and I'd just let her sleep cos I was worried I'd wake her up if I spoke.
We parked up by hers and we spoke for a while and she went home and I drove home too.
She kept thanking me for picking her up, for talking to her, for food, for everything. And I kept saying it's the least I can do. When she got out of my car, I looked at her with nothing but love. I blew her a kiss and she blew me one back.
I almost had a nap when I came home cos I was really tired as well. My eyes kept closing when I was driving idk why I'm so tired. But I stopped myself.
I laid in bed and I felt a little spicy if you know what I mean. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's cos of all the stress lately and whatnot. But I allowed it. It wasn't an urge or a strong feeling, but it was there, if you get me.
Then I came to the garden, which is where I'm typing now. I had a bit of chicken when I came home. Not sure why I'm craving so much chicken lately. But I'm full. Had my antibiotic. I only have painkillers in the morning. I don't have any during the rest of the day cos I don't like taking much medication.
My dad went to see my sister today. My mum was gonna go but she felt ill and my sister wanted me to come but I asked her if I come, can we do anything because I feel like we don't do that much. Honestly sometimes I don't enjoy going. But my brother in law isn't there so I don't have to wear the hijab if I go. But she didn't have much in mind and it didn't sound too promising. So I decided to not go. I did want to see her and watch a film or something with her, at the end of the day she is my sister. But I just wasn't feeling it.
And plus, H needed me.
Not sure what my plans are for tomorrow. I'm gonna be checking up on H. I think I should start taking my phone off DND at night because I've noticed my friends need me sometimes. But I honestly needed the sleep last night and not gonna lie, even if it wasn't on DND, I don't think I'd have woken up cos I was in such deep sleep.
I know iehab wants to go to wingstop in cdiff as it opens tomorrow. But the queue is probably gonna be insane . Me and her always go to the new food places when they open. We went to Taco Bell. Popeyes like a few weeks ago. Afrikana. We've already been to wing stop in bstol and honestly ot was magnificent. Maybe cos I was extremely hungry when I ate it so it tasted nicer. My flabber had never been more gasted. (Flabbergasted) lol.
The menu is plain and simple not gonna lie to you, but it's the flavours that make or break it. And cos I'm in a chicken mood lately, I'll probably give in, if she wants to go.
To summarise today.
I'll always be there for the people in my life. As long as I'm around, they'll have someone to talk to, someone who won't judge them. Someone who will listen to them talk about the same issues a billion times. Ill make sure they're loved. I know it sounds cringe, but I think platonic friendship and friendship soulmates exist. We can sit in silence and not do anything. I just wanna be that person to them. To anyone really. Even to a stranger. I think I have a lot of love to give, even if I'm broken, I'll still wanna love, and il always care. I'm just not the type to unlove and I can't not care. I'll wanna check up on you, I'll wanna know if you've ate, if you're sleeping good, if you have had a good day. If you're upset or if there's anything I can do to make anything better.
I wish I was understood. I think there's only 3 people who understand me. Sometimes I think I'm misunderstood. Maybe I don't articulate my thoughts properly into words. I hope I never come across as rude or mean or a bitch. I just wanna love whole heartedly. I think the world would be a better place with more love. I wonder if I've ever made an impact on someone's life. I was thinking to sponsor an orphan for a few months like I used to a few years ago, but I need to save some money. I give to charity to Palestine or Syria online from time to time so I might do that until I have enough to sponser an orphan.
A patient told someone at work yesterday that I was really lovely and kind, and I feel like I'm just being me. I don't do it on purpose, I don't exaggerate things. I just do it cos I feel like, by nature, I can be kind. I try. And I think that's why sometimes I get upset when someone doesn't see the good in me, or doesn't see how hard I try at the other things. And it's only natural. But I've learned that I shouldn't have to prove to anyone who I am.
I do try at a lot of things, I think some things come naturally to me. Like talking to people and being a people's person and whatever. But things like, putting my emotions to the side when I've had a long day, is hard. Acting like I'm fine, is hard. Although I try really hard at it.
Studying and revising, when you've got a lot going on, is hard.
Explaining why you don't want to go to placement, is hard.
Trying to not be so hard on myself, is hard. I'm a chilled person when it comes to a lot of things. But deep down, I feel like I should be doing way more, I should be way better.
But I've learned life isn't a race. And I say that every time, but I'm still hard on myself.
I think I'm an easy friend. If you wanna meet me, I'm calm. If plans change last min, I'm calm. I only dislike it when it happens constantly. I'm chilled, and I've been told this a few times by my close friends.
But I believe in effort. I believe in loyalty. And I believe in reciprocation. It's a two way street. Everything is. (Unless ur on a one way road lol)
But I do start to doubt with certain people that it's me doing everything or me always reaching out. Or it's not being reciprocated. I give the benefit of the doubt a few times but then it becomes exhausting.
H also said my driving has gotten better alhamdulilah.
This was a deep heart to heart with this diary. But who else do I have to telll? There's a lot more I want to write about. But I just . Idk.
I wanna write about yesterdays canteen food cos it was funny 😂 but I cba for the time being lol.
I feel like I should have a chilled night, watch Netflix or Disney plus but I just can't bring myself to. Idk why. It's like I just wanna sleep. Or just sit outside and not do much. May has really been exhausting.
Normally don't get whipped cream with my drinks but I allowed it