Hopeless Romantic | ✔️

38| Incandescently Content

I had to take another breath, and I was still clenching and unclenching. All because I could feel my blood pressure rising and my heart rate increasing, and I wasn't going to let myself panic right now. Especially when the only other person around was Zach.

"You wrote slurs on my locker, accused me in front of our teammates, made me feel like my sexuality wasn't normal, which is why I hid it in the first place. I literally repressed all thoughts that I could possibly be gay because you made me feel like some kind of alien for it. And then you publicly outed me in front of the whole school at prom, and even if I rose above your bullshit then and embraced it, that doesn't mean I was okay. I didn't want it to happen like that, but I was forced into it. Alexander might have been glad that I came out, but I wasn't. I had to do it. Because of you," I explained. "And then you just stood there and laughed. You were always so smug, and you know what? I just don't understand why the fuck you did it in the first place. So maybe you can try to explain that to me, for my own curiosity, not because I actually care."

Zach took a deep breath and nodded. He took a sip of his coffee, then cleared his throat. "I didn't know my sexuality when I was doing all of ... all of that stuff to you. I mean, I probably did deep down, but I didn't let myself feel that. And I know that you get that. Because you repressed it, too. Alexander told me–"

I interrupted. "I don't give a shit what Alexander told you, and quite frankly, he shouldn't have had the right to tell you anything. Our experiences weren't the same, Zach, we're not gonna be all buddy-buddy just cause we both repressed our sexualities and were assholes about it. I was an asshole to my sister and Jesse, and my family pretty much, but you were an asshole to me in different ways. Don't compare our experiences just cause you're looking for a way to get me to sympathize with you. Because I won't. Because I don't care what you went through, and deep down, I know you don't care what I went through, either."

He sighed. I didn't give a flying fuck about his sighs.

"Right, well ... I guess I was just doing it because I was a dick. I didn't really have a reason for doing the things I did to you. I've seen a therapist, and I've learned that probably, since I was unconsciously pushing away thoughts of my sexuality, I decided to take out those repressed feelings on you. And Alexander," Zach explained. "But ... mostly you. Maybe it was, deep down, because I knew you were gay, and that there was something going on with you and Alexander. Because of the locker room, and overhearing shit."

I nodded. Right, so Zach was just a dick. I knew that already. It wasn't news to me. I let my fists unclench, and I took slower breaths to calm myself down. I wasn't going to let him affect me in the way he always had before.

"You just couldn't help pushing your way into my business," I said. "As always. Is that why you feel the need to 'clear the air' now, Zach?"

"No!" He sat up taller. "I ... I wanted to clear the air because I've felt shitty for what I did to you, for all the dumb shit I pulled. And–and I'm with Alexander, now, and we talked about it, and we both agreed I should try and clear the air. Try to make things right. So that we could, I don't know ... put it behind us and forgive."

I leaned forward.

"You can't just ruin someone else's life because you're lacking something in your own," I said. "There's no putting anything behind us, and there's no forgiving you. There's sure as hell never gonna be a way that I like you, or could even agree to be acquaintances. That's not something I have in myself to do, and you've gotta understand that. If someone ruins your life that bad, they don't deserve your forgiveness.

"You might have gotten Alexander's, and that's beyond me. That's his thing. He can forgive you, he can be with you, he can suck your dick all he wants, and that's his choice." I shrugged. "I didn't come here to forgive you. I'll never truly forgive you. But for the sake of Alexander, and for the sake of the fucking basketball season not sucking so bad every time I see your intolerable face, I can put it behind me. As long as you just stay the fuck out of my life. And I think that's a pretty reasonable request, besides the basketball run-ins, considering how much I still despise you. Considering how much seeing you, remembering what you did to me, still makes every muscle in my body tighten up. You make my blood boil and that hasn't changed for years, and people who make you feel like that ... people who never cease to make your heart race in the worst way don't deserve to be forgiven. You might be good now in Alexander's eyes, but you'll never be good in mine. And that's all I'm ever gonna give you. Deal?"