Dreamland Review Archive

Baulked From Love (P)

You don't have to use it. It's just a suggestion of something I think might sound better. You could bulk out the section about her and Axel to include something about their wedding, maybe? Remember that summaries are there to introduce a reader to your story and characters and entice them to read, not to ask deep questions about the meaning of love. You can do that when they get into the actual book.

However, from the summary it did sound like an interesting concept, and I was excited to get reading!

Hook

This might be my own personal opinion, but I'm not a fan of books that start with the main character talking directly to the reader. I much prefer to go on a journey with the character, rather than be told about it.

That said, it is a more hooking beginning than others I've seen of this style. I do like the quote, and your first line - I'd drop the ellipsis, but it is a great way to introduce your theme. The next few paragraphs work well too, and it's very interesting. Unfortunately, after that it got a little repetitive for me. There was so much of this questioning what love is that it kind of turned me off.

The event of Addilyn's husband-to-be never showing up is impactful, but I feel like it could be more so, if we weren't just being told it by the main character rather than experiencing it. I would suggest starting the prologue with her waiting at the wedding, anxious for him to arrive, and the reader can be with her as it happens. You can still tell it in first person, but instead of stating the events, showcase her rush of emotions, her anxiety, her fear that he'll never show up. Show her finally realise that he isn't coming, and she can cry, and all the readers will cry with her. That would be an excellent beginning, and a great hook.

You could then use a page break to skip to eight months later when she goes to the wedding of her two childhood friends - again showing the events instead of telling them - and then end as you do now, with her decision never to love again, and her declaration to the heavens, before we slip into Aphrodite's PoV. Either that, or you could make the section with her wedding the whole prologue, and then the first chapter could be her receiving the wedding invitation from her friend and going to their wedding? That might make the prologue less crowded and the time skip smoother. But it's up to you.

Of course, this might be just my opinion as an impatient action and fantasy reader. Maybe people who love romance are drawn in by that sort of opening. But I'd imagine that the experience would be more effective, and really make us feel and care for Addilyn.

Characters

I feel for Addilyn. I really do. She's been through a lot of romantic trauma, and I can completely understand why she decides to give up on love. I think I would too, in her situation.

I also love her sarcasm, and how strong she is in her beliefs. In the first chapter, I quite like how she scorns at the wedding taking place in front of her - it truly shows how she's forgotten what it's like to be in love. I can also tell that she's sure of herself, and not afraid to speak her mind.

I still haven't really seen enough of any other (mortal) characters to tell what they're like - the only one who has appeared is Reese, but her interactions with Addilyn were too brief for any real characterisation. They clearly get on well, though.

The way you write Aphrodite is interesting, and I do like it. Your version of her makes her seem competitive, and determined not to be beaten by Addilyn's challenge - yet she still has that goddess air about her in the way she looks down on the mere mortal. Her interactions with Eros feel realistic, too.

Writing Style

This sort of comes back to what I said in the Hook section. I think your main issue is that you tell rather than show most of the time, which can feel impersonal and detach a reader from a story. I do like your style - it feels light and easy to read, with touches of humour - but unfortunately it's the tell-y nature of your writing that puts me off. For example, there's moments like this, (from chapter 1):

"How is this even possible ?" I ask as I try to grasp the fact that Eros's arrow couldn't do my work.

The reader can easily tell that she's asking about why the arrow didn't work from the previous paragraph, so everything after 'ask' is unnecessary. You just need to make sure you're not stating information that's already been shown through dialogue, action, or a character's thoughts.

Also, on a separate point - make sure you're not leaving those spaces between the end of a sentence and a question/exclamation mark. I noticed that mistake a few times.

Another thing that's important is using actions to suggest a character's emotions or feelings towards a certain thing. Instead of Addilyn telling us that she likes the decorations Reese has put out, show it through her approving glances or have her describe the scene in a way that feels impressive. Try to weave her thoughts in amongst action, instead of having big paragraphs with her basically just stating all the reasons why marriage is unnecessary. As an impatient reader, I quickly got bored of that.

Moving onto grammar, there were a few issues I spotted. There were a couple of incorrect words used - such as "Did you listen that?" which should be "Did you hear that?" - but it was mostly good. You slip tenses a few times, so just remember to stick with either the present or past tense and not switch between, but that's an easy issue to fix through editing. I also noticed an issue with dialogue tags:

"She says that she will never fall in love again." He said pointing towards Earth.

Dialogue that is followed by a dialogue tag shouldn't end with a period, and the dialogue tag ('he said') must not be capitalized. So it would be:

"She says that she will never fall in love again," he said, pointing towards Earth.

I also added in a comma there - there were a few mistakes with commas too. Again, all these sorts of things are easy enough to fix when you edit.

If you'd like more explanation about how to use dialogue tags, there's a chapter about it in the Dreamland Guide Book.

One extra thing: I would advise against using multiple exclamation or question marks (e.g. !? or !! or ??). I don't think it's grammatically correct, and even if it is, it kind of ruins the flow of the book. It's fine to use them in text messages and such, but not a novel.

Plot

You do have a great plot so far, and I am intrigued to see where it is going. The ONC prompt you've picked was one that looked particularly interesting. Your take on it seems good so far, and fairly unique.

My favourite thing is the fact that you write from Aphrodite's point of view. We can see the two sides of the challenge. I do like the small peeks into the world of the gods, and from the way you write the goddess of love so far, I think I would enjoy seeing other gods as they come into it.

Also, the fact that Addilyn's best friend is a wedding planner feels so ironic. I love that aspect. It's a great way to show us her changed attitude towards love right from the start. And I found her comments to the statue really funny. She is a fantastic character - I just wish I could connect with her more.

Overall Thoughts

It's a good story, and really does have potential. You've got an interesting plot there and some great characters. Looking back, I was quite negative in this review, and I'm sorry about that - do remember that it's just my opinion and not everyone will agree with me. I do feel that you're close to having a wonderful book.

Though I don't usually read romance, this did feel like something more my style. If you can fix the issues I pointed out in the Writing Style section, I think this could be a book that I would really enjoy. :D