Dreamland Review Archive

Rise of the Night Witch (DS)

Rise of the Night Witch by PASharp

Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to read your book. Please, keep in mind that my reading of your story is by necessity a subjective opinion. Your story is beautiful and important to you more than any other story you could have been telling. How I perceived it is very much a matter of my preferences

I read 13 chapters of your story available at this time.

Your book is tagged as urban fantasy, paranormal and horror so I looked first and foremost at how much the story stimulated my imagination and how important your main character had become to me; how much I wanted to figure out what's going to happen to them, the setting that told me that 'it could possibly happen this way', and if I would be able to remember your story a few months from now. In addition, I looked for the urban fantasy/paranormal feel—our own recognizable world, but with a twist. I am not a horror reader, so I am not doing much for that facet.

The title of your story puts witches front and center, which is a good thing, letting me see the genre right away. However, two other big themes of magic school and Halloween are not reflected, and I think either one or another could be beneficial for attracting interest. Both magic schools and Halloween are a perennial draw and I doubt interest in them will ever wane.

I think your blurb shows Marissa's inner conflict well, as well as escalating it from there AND giving a thrilling deadline—by Halloween. And the setting is clear, also rife with conflict, without being overwhelming. Well done! I really dig your blurb.

I felt that chapter 1a was where the story started for me, with a strong character voice and all the information I needed to go on. In this case, I would suggest eliminating the prologue because it only delays the good stuff. Chapter one has lots of interesting interactions, fun characters, a little conflict between friends, a build up of a couple of interesting questions—why she failed her admission tests to Witch Academy? What is keeping Simon?— and a demonic kitten. It's a great start.

I enjoyed the pacing of events going forward. Both the kitten possession and BFF situation acquired a twist in only two chapters. The lore trickled in, easy to decipher and fun/unusual. Plus, a couple of monsters showed up and Marissa slayed them.

Siris is a great addition to the cast, though he is a know-it-all. But his character is very cat. Previously missing Simon also enters the stage by chapter 5, seemingly rounding out the cast. Chapter 1.6 brings in a potential antagonist and a mentor figure as well. I like the speed of character introductions. I was even a bit worried when you called Simon a minor character before his interlude, because he at that point felt like the main cast member.

Marissa herself is a strong narrator, I find, though once in a while she plays the violin of self-pity a bit much. She seems to have good friends, but still complains a lot about bullies or her parents not paying attention to her. I feel that conflict between belonging to one world or another, and her worries about admission might be a less tricky character problem to dole out in just the right proportion.

I quite enjoyed the work Marissa has to put in to get measurable qualities of magical energy for admission, though there seems to be a contradiction with how much of a competition there is, and how low she is scoring. The link to mental health is a bit one the nose for me, but it is a consistent part of lore and it's unusual, so I am not sure. The rest of the lore build up I found enjoyable. Various forms of demons, mythology and scientific-like gobbledygook were very fun.

The first thirteen chapters have lots and lots of good under the hood. They carried me well all the way through. Setting, cast, first antagonist we saw, even the hint of attraction Marissa felt toward him—it really felt like the right stuff.

One thing I wished I read until was that Halloween deadline, but it didn't come up yet. Not sure where it occurs, but I would say, maybe a quick question mark here to see if it takes too long for this important hook/deadline to kick in. It might be hard to judge until you have the full story before you.

Sometimes, I felt that immersion could have been stronger, but I also believe it's not in the plot or characters. It's in editing and patience, I think, and in exposing more readers to it to pick out stuff that is cluttering the narrative.

What I would suggest definitely pondering on is using pop culture references. References are a wink-wink that takes me a bit out of the story, make it less of an immersive stand alone, and more like make-believe. In some cases, I am just lost. There are obviously examples of movies when it's used for effect and well, but I am just not sure you need it. It's already a chirpy story with a strong feel of parody, so reference galore seems a bit too much of a good thing.

If you decide to edit further, my other suggestion would be to listen to the story and check the transitions that way to make sure that actions or words don't precede scene setting and makes backtracking necessary to figure out what is going on. Or recruiting a person unfamiliar with the text to highlight parts that make them skim for your consideration.

Good luck with developing your story and hope these notes are helpful.