Dreamland Community's review archive, open to view different reviewers past works :D
If you are looking to request a review, please head over to Dreamland Reviews!
Cover: 90/100 Truly fantastic! I love the misty kind of mysterious vibe given off by your cover. It immediately lets people know that they're in for both a book about wolves, as well as a whole lot of fantasy. The only thing I can critique though is that the cover is very blue. You can clearly see the glowing wolf and the forest around him when you have the cover up close, but when it's zoomed out (displaying the image that Wattpaders will see while scrolling by), the whole cover kind of just looks like one big mass of blue. I recommend changing up the color scheme some, and really making the wolf in the center stand out. Also, just an inconsistency that I noticed: Your cover states that this book is part of the Wylfven Trilogy, but a piece of the blurb at the bottom says it's part of the Deathwisher Trilogy. Maybe you just forgot to change one of them… but you might should clarify.
Blurb: 100/100 There are not many blurbs that truly deserve a 100 as much as yours does. It's relatively short—one of the most important aspects, in my opinion—it provides some information about your plot and character, and it evokes curiosity. What is the rising darkness? How will Thirty-Four save the world? I guess I'll just have to read this book to find out!
First Impressions: 90/100 Do you really need a review? I mean, come on, this book is spectacularly written! I loved the vivid descriptions, the amazing tumble scene between Thirty-Four and his cousin, the snobby aunt and Thirty-Four's disappointed father. I noticed a few comma errors here or there, but nothing major, and a few lines where the wording could be improved. Here's a few from the first chapter:
Original: "He was content for his father's attention to remain on Doren…"
I'm not quite sure what about this sentence makes it sound unnatural, but the wording seems a bit off to me.
Fixed: "He preferred his father's attention remain focused on Doren…"
Example 2:
Original: "...in the perfect way they should illuminate such a model pup."
Fixed: "The rays caught his orange fur in the perfect way they should, illuminating this perfect, model pup."
Sure, I only made the tiniest edit to this sentence, but the flow of it improves from the original. I felt that should illuminate didn't really work for this sentence. A few words really do a lot, so keep this in mind as you examine each and every sentence in your story to improve it.
Example 3:
Original: "If possible, Doren's stance sank even lower."
Fixed: "Seemingly impossible, Doren's stance sank even lower."
Word choice also plays a big role in the flow of your sentences. Be mindful of it, and optimize your sentences so that your readers really understand that it seemed impossible for Doren's stance to sink lower, yet it did.
Comma Usage: You obviously know how to use commas, whether in descriptions or dialogue, but here are just a few instances where your comma usage can be improved:
Original: "His father loved to leave a pause, to build anticipation, then release all he had to say."
Fixed: "His father loved to leave a pause, building anticipation, then release…"
The phrase, 'loved to leave a pause to build anticipation' doesn't need a comma. In fact, the comma only adds an unneeded stop to this sentence that really throws off the flow. Try reading any in-question sentences aloud, and if there is no natural stop or the comma you have in the sentence doesn't flow right, reconsider the comma placement.
Example 2:
Original: "Within its depths, yellows and blues and greens and all other colours…"
Fixed: "Within its depths, yellows, blues, greens, and all other colours…"
I feel that in this example, the lack of commas and the repetition of and was purposeful to illustrate the many colors in this lake. But with all the ands, this sentence becomes quite a mouthful, so I'd recommend changing them to commas when listing these colors.
Further Analysis: 98/100 This truly a well written book! Your worldbuilding, detailed sense of description, character development, plot, pace, everything… is absolutely perfect. I feel kind of incompetent not being able to find some kind of issue to write about…
So I'll just invent one! Jk, but there are just a few teeny tiny suggestions I'd like to make:
Throughout the first chapter, Thirty-Four kind of has this off and on mindset of being a failure. He goes back and forth from thinking he's a total disappointment, to, I'll show them! I understand that this indecisive mindset is probably a character trait of Thirty-Four, but maybe you can try to make it a little more consistent.
I also think it's amazing that Lexil's such a hypocrite when it comes to being late… 🙃
The only other thing I'd like to point out is that there is a whole lot of information provided in chapter two, a lot of which is a bit difficult to process without a little more context. Maybe see if you could break this up into multiple story telling sessions, which in extension might help readers grasp the Shadewylf's history a little better. I also think it would've been cool if, somewhere in the story telling, there was a hint to the surrounding fear that Thirty-Four and Doren felt in the forest.
Just some food for thought. Again, I thought it was practically perfect the way it is!
Final Notes: 95/100 Overall, this is an epic fantasy tale that I can't wait to read the rest of. I'm waiting for the rewritten version, of course, because I don't want to spoil it… If you fix some of the phrasing and grammatical issues (I found more as I read chapters 2 and 3, so proofread some more!!!) the quality of this story will reach its absolute peak. If you'd like me to and you feel your story is missing something, I'd love to review some more of it once it's written.
Again, I love it!!! Keep writing and keep these tips in mind. LMK if you have any questions!
