Dreamland Review Archive

Daughter of Twilight (DS)

Daughter of Twilight, by JessicaPowell481

***

Thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to read your book. Please, keep in mind that my reading of your story is by necessity a subjective opinion. Your story is beautiful and important to you more than any other story you could have been telling. How I perceived it is very much a matter of my preferences.

I have read 10 chapters of your story, as the chapters are quite long, so I felt it gave me a good handle on your storytelling and I rarely find teen fiction engrossing. However, I think your book will absolutely appeal to the intended audience.

Your book is tagged as teen fiction and high/epic fantasy, so I looked first and foremost at how much the story stimulated my imagination and how important your main character had become to me; how much I wanted to figure out what's going to happen to them, the setting that told me that 'it could possibly happen this way', and if I would be able to remember your story a few months from now. In addition, I looked for the staples that make fantasy feel epic and the high school element.

I think that the title of your story brings me to teen fiction straight away by mentioning Twilight. Twilight, to me, fits the paranormal or urban fantasy niche better, and, to me, so does your story. Perhaps changing your marketing strategy to appeal to the paranormal YA romance audience might be something you could consider.

Your blurb is pretty appealing, though I would suggest rephrasing at least some of the questions as statements and a bit of proofreading. Your blurb also sets me squarely on the path of teen and paranormal, except for the line that describes Avrora. In that line, I suggest including witches instead of the more generic term 'magic' to align it better with the para expectations if you decide to go this route.

Chapters 1 through 6 set up Elizabeth's story. I found that the story includes the key hooks I needed to keep reading. Her caring dad is hiding a secret. Her strange illness is untreatable by conventional medicine. The boy she saw in her dreams shows up in her high school (Isaac). Finally, the teleport to the magic realm is the fitting finale of this part.

I felt that you have all the good things in there, but you drowned them out a little in the mundane details that could be omitted to focus the narrative. I would have been more interested in the story if I didn't have to read about traditional breakfast (I've seen it many times), a mean girl and a few other things that seem like a filler... unless they impact the story later on, but I have a feeling that all these characters will just disappear. If you want to show Elizabeth's normal life, I would suggest using a short, interesting scene that introduces all the important, continuing characters only, if possible. Another problem for me is the repetitiveness with only slight variations, particularly with the dream sequences. I would suggest taking some of those dream sequences out.

In chapters 6-7 we transition into the magic realm of Aurora, and revelations come in fast and furious. Elizabeth's mother might not be dead. Isaac is a son of a good witch, who invites Elizabeth into the realm. And, as I have suspected from the start, Elizabeth is a powerful witch. She might have magic relatives, but they are shrouded in mystery.

None of it is unexpected in the genre, but it's fun and it is the reason people like reading the genre. The world of Avrora comes with a conflict, and Elizabeth is placed in the middle of it—that's great. A neat little twist is that Isaac escapes to the regular realm in secret, giving him a charming prince in disguise vibe. What I would suggest working a bit more on if you decide to edit is maybe looking to eliminate 'accidental' pile-up here. Elizabeth runs into the witch who accidentally is Isaac's mom, and Isaac just accidentally got into the school with Elizabeth on his joy rides to the regular realm. Perhaps you can move premeditation (Isaac coming to Elizabeth's school) that comes a bit later in the story a bit forward, to avoid the 'events just happen' feeling.

In chapters 8-10, the transition to Elizabeth's new reality happens, as she starts her training as a witch and her romance with Isaac blossoms. I was happy to see that she tried to contact her father and that you added a hint of danger when Elizabet is attacked during her night out with Isaac.

I feel that you have a good handle on what appeals to the folks in this genre, and the balance between the plot events and the romantic storyline. What I would suggest working on is adding a little of a distinctive flavor to the world (consistent window-dressing, so it doesn't feel so generic) and working on focusing the narrative by clever reductions as there is a bit of monotony to the story, a slight drag of pacing that stops the full immersion, which I think you can achieve with a bit of editing in the next draft.

Good luck with developing your story and hope these notes are helpful.